Behind The Wall of Pain
by starnormand
Summary: After a crash, Peyton completely changes her ways. Move over, Nice Girl; welcome back curls & venom and bye Luke! Just then L wants to be closer to P again. Their wants differ but L nor P can deny their sexual tension, which won't be without consequences.
1. Lady Evil

**A/N: **I come with a new fic. Beware that Peyton will be VERY bitchy. Think early season 1 and the Lindsey library scenes. And Lucas will have to undergo it.

Enjoy!

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**Behind The Wall of Pain**

Summary: After a car crash, Peyton decides to let go of Lucas once and for all as his clarity creeps up on him. Though whatever they want, Lucas nor Peyton can deny the sexual attraction between them and when they give in to it this time around, it will be impossible to ignore the consequences.

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1. Lady Evil

The sun laid a bright white blanket onto Tree Hill, where spring had just made its arrival. Everywhere you looked, you saw clichés: chirping bluebirds, lively green crests and children playing with their friends. Only one image didn't fit this utopia: Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer. She sat in her Comet, her state of mind dark as equally somber, loud music spread itself through the streets she drove through. The wind blew through her hair, causing it to hit her face. Whilst tucking her curls behind her ear, she looked at the seat next to her, where a bunch of CD's lay and wondered which one would fit her lately omni-present melancholy.

She frowned as she saw the blonde hair of Bonnie Tyler poking out from under her Metallica and Slow Runner CD's. What the hell, she thought, since everyone seems to be living in clichés today, I might as well. She pushed the disk in and as she heard the first piano tones, she began staring in front of her with glazed over eyes. She was falling apart too, she realized because she couldn't help clinging onto the past, where she and Lucas lived in happiness. It wasn't an unusual thing for her anymore, lately it was all she did: replaying wonderful times gone by and wishing for even better ones to come.

To tell the truth, she didn't really know where she was going. Not with her car and not in life. She had had some professional successes lately but had come at a dead end emotionally. Brooke had her new baby girl, Haley and Nathan had each other and their son and Lucas was still pining over Lindsey. She, she had nothing but unrealistic dreams and vain hope. A deep sigh left her lips as she felt a tear run over her cheek. She never had high self-esteem but she even knew she didn't deserve this. She deserved to be loved, no? She made mistakes, yes, but nowhere along the road had she betrayed her good character: she suffered in silence, she was integer, and she was a good friend.

Slowly Peyton bowed over to get herself a tissue. What happened then was another proof of the fact that she was last in line when God handed out luck. Out of the blue, a black Audi –beautiful car- sped her way. She felt the danger and looked up in terror. Before she had the chance to scream, the car slammed into hers.

The next thing she saw was light and images of her as a baby in her crib, as a little girl coloring Pocahontas, her mother laughing loudly as a seagull steals her ice cream; fast forward a couple of years, she's crying now by the bridge but Brooke's with her, attending music concerts, her first kiss Dylan, her first boyfriend Nathan, her first love Lucas, her second Jake, her dad's good-hearted lectures, music, the day she passed the SAT's, LA, Lucas' proposal, failure, hurt, Lindsey, pain, marriage, being left, being rejected, being denied. Being empty inside.

x

Brooke held her thumbnail in her mouth as she impatiently waited for more news about her best friend. She had been able to get a look in the surgery room, silent and sneaky as she could be. Of course she was immediately sent away but even though her glancing was very short-lived, the amount of blood her P. Sawyer had been covered with had been nothing but a severe shock. As the hours passed, Brooke was joined by Nathan and Haley.

"Lucas is coming too," Haley let them know.

Brooke swore a hint of shame sounded from that statement and she looked down at her feet. Though Lucas had been great to her and Angie lately, she wasn't sure if he should be here. Not because they had a complicated history and whatnot but because he didn't seem to care about her anyway. Deep down she knew that could never be: despite everything that happened she still believed Lucas and Peyton were meant to be, but the point is that _he_ hadn't believed it the past months or who knows, maybe even years.

Thus when Lucas entered the waiting room, all looked up, wondering what he was going to do or say. He didn't say a thing, none of them did and he only dared to lock eyes with Haley, as if he knew he wouldn't be finding support with Brooke or Nathan. Haley bowed her head and Lucas followed her example, feeling uncomfortable as no one seemed to be prepared to give him solace.

"How is she?" he mumbled.

Silence. Brooke, Nathan and Haley shared doubting looks.

"For God's sake, I asked how she is!" he raised his voice.

"We don't know, alright?" Nathan responded aggressively. Now that Peyton was in hospital he felt guilty for not having supported her more through the whole Lindsey and Lucas ordeal though he really shouldn't: he had had his own problems. It's just that he kind of saw Peyton as a sister he had to protect. "But I think seeing your face when she wakes up isn't going to do her much help."

"What's that supposed to mean?" It wasn't because he was pining over Lindsey that he didn't care about Peyton.

Just as Nathan was about to clarify, Haley rubbed his arm and addressed Lucas instead. "Nothing, I'm sure. We're all just stressed out and worried about Peyton."

A glimmer of hope appeared in Brooke's eyes as she saw the doctor who had told her earlier to wait, step her direction. Contrary what might seem obvious, she approached himslowly, afraid of the news he might bring.

"She's going to be just fine," he then reassured her. "She had internal bleedings but we've been able to stop those and for the rest…She didn't even break a bone, she has been very lucky. She has a mild concussion though so we will keep her here for some time. But all in all, she should be out of here soon enough."

Brooke laid her hand on her chest and heaved a relieved sigh. "Can I, huh, _we_ go see her?"

"Let her rest a couple of hours. Plus, you've all been waiting so long. Go home, eat something, take a shower and come back tonight."

x

The doctor had said she was going to be just fine, and for the first time in weeks she believed that would be so. Looking out of the window, she smiled. A sincere smile. When the car had hit her, it had been like in the movies: light and memories flashing in front of her eyes. Some memories were beautiful, others were not. The last ones she would've taken into death were pitiful, filled with Lucas, dark, mixed with Lindseyness, miserable and intensely sad. They were memories that had scared and scarred her deeply and she didn't wish to make anymore now that she had survived this car crash without serious injuries. It was like a sign from God, she was given another chance and she was going to grab it to avoid the things that made her grab tissues.

She was ready to live her life now, realizing what she had been missing out on and how difficult she had made things for herself wanting a man who seemed to care less about her. The only thing that had to happen for her to see that was a near-death experience but from now on, she was only going to think about herself, about what _Peyton_ wants, about what _Peyton_ needs. Being nice and humble had done nothing for her. From now on, she'd only be nice to the persons who deserved it, venom and curls style.

"P. Sawyer!" she heard and turned her head to the side, grinning widely.

"B. Davis…"

Brooke carefully embraced her and began to sob as she pulled back. "Damn you and your reckless driving. I thought I had lost you, don't ever do that to me again!"

"You don't get rid of me that easily," she reassured her friend.

Brooke smiled happily and then softly ran the tips of her fingers over Peyton's bruises and cuts. She might not have broken something but those nasty-looking albeit small injuries couldn't feel very pleasant either. "God, you look like shit," she then let out and they both laugh.

"Always the subtle one," Peyton said adjusting her position in the bed. "Ugh, everything hurts; I'm covered from top to toe in bruises."

"You got hit by one of those big Audis," Brooke informed her. "Beautiful car, ass of a chauffeur. But at least he got what he deserved, his car is completely ruined and he'll be paying you big time if I have anything to do with it."

"And my car?"

"Just the side, I think it can be fixed. Audi guy can pay for it."

She stared at the ceiling. The Comet. What to do with it? Did she want it to be fixed? It was just a car, yes, but she wasn't daft, she knew that had been the reason Lindsey pulled a Maggie Carpenter on Lucas. It was a sign of her and Lucas' love. However, that love had altered lately. Lucas didn't want her anymore and the car had become a burden.

"I want it to be destroyed," she let out. "I don't know how. I just want it."

Brooke was visibly taken aback by this. "But Peyton…That car means so much to you."

"It's just a car."

"It's your baby. You've had it since you were sixteen. You went to find Ellie with it. It holds memories."

"It's old. Time for a change."

"But _destroying_ it?"

"Then take it to the junkyard! I don't care, as long as the thing is gone."

x

"Hey Sawyer."

Peyton smiled at Brooke who disappeared and then gave Nathan a nod with her head, indicating he should come over and hug her.

"I've got some stuff for you from your car. I begged the police if I could take your belongings out of your car, I knew there must've been a shitload of CD's in there." He shook the bag and the sound deriving from the shaking was, as suspected correctly, plastic covers hitting each other. "Some of them are broken though, I think."

"Thanks Nate, you're a legend," she said happily and opened the bag slowly. The painkillers dazed her a little and so her reactions and actions were in slight slow-motion.

One for one, she took the things out. Indeed a lot of CD's. Then she came across her wallet. Opening it, she saw the picture of her and Lucas at prom and took it out. She had never been able to throw it away.

"I'm sorry…" he sighed.

People feeling sorry for her? No more. She bit her lip, closed her eyes and tore it in two. Then in four and if she could've, she would've torn it in eight pieces too.

"Peyton," Nathan gasped.

"What?" she bit.

"Nothing…" He didn't dare to say she looked like a lunatic right now. She had been so fragile lately and he didn't want to hurt her.

"OK, what's more in the bag," she acted like nothing had happened and buried her hand between the CD's to find An Unkindness of Ravens, one of the last books she had and that she had hid from Brooke when that one had urged her to burn them all.

As if it's the most normal thing in the world, she opened it in the middle and started to wildly tear pages out of it, using all the strength she had that her painkillers weren't taking away. Destroying his book felt like a heavy burden falling off her shoulders and at the time she had reduced the book to fifty pages, she felt the most content she had been in ages. She peacefully settled her back into her pillow again and threw the book in the garbage can resting alongside her bed.

"Have you gone crazy? I thought the doc said you were fine! Seems like that concussion is more serious than we think."

"Nate…" she began reassuring. "Something happened to me."

"I can see that."

"A part of the old me is back."

"Which part, Sawyer?"

"The one who doesn't take anyone's shit," she responded seriously. "I realized life is too short and I'm sick of spending it sulking and depressed over a guy who doesn't seem to care whether I'm alive or dead anyway."

"P-"

"No. I want to live. I've been dead for too long."

"You're graceful and people appreciate that. You don't have to change over him."

"Bullshit!" she cried. "Bullshit… People don't appreciate me, Nate, because they don't understand me. You know, I've _tried_ to change for so long, six years almost and now I see that people never changed their opinion of me."

"That's not true."

"It is. I'm still that depressed, broody, dark girl to them. The girl who doesn't have a family and wants a guy who is chasing someone else. Do you know how sick of that I am?"

"I understand but-"

"And things like grace and purity and whatnot, they are all fine but they don't change your vision on life. They didn't with me and this car crash _did_. My life flashed in front of my eyes and all I saw was misery and I realized…It's all my fault."

"Peyton…"

"No, it's OK. I'm just glad this happened to me now, before it's too late. I've never been so eager to change my life around. I want to change. I want to look at things from the bright side. I want to look at _myself _from the bright side and I can't do that if I'm surrounded by people who treat me badly. So I shall avoid those people from now on."

"I understand," he nodded. "Am I one of those people to avoid?"

"No," she smiled. "As long as you haven't eaten any frog legs when I'm around… Dracula would've drop dead if he had smell you then." About a week ago, Peyton had gone to eat at Haley and Nathan's place and had almost fainted every time Nathan had talked to her. He had made his very own frog legs and drowned them in garlic.

"Hmmm, frog legs… I'll make you some when you get out of here."

She laughs. "I bet you will."

He cracks another smile. "Glad you're OK, Sawyer. I wouldn't know what I would've done without you."

"Have a lot more uncomplicated life, I can imagine."

"I love my life with the complications you bring to them."

She tilts her head to the side. "Thanks for being such a great friend, Nate."

"You're welcome."

"Now…" she changes the subject and grabs a Beatles CD. "I want to hear Let It Be."

"Is this part of the 'changing my life' thing?"

"Yes, I want hope, I want joy."

In no time, Peyton was humming along.

"And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me,  
shine until tomorrow; let it be.  
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,  
speaking words of wisdom, let it be."

Nathan had to kink his eyebrow; it had been so long since he had seen Peyton somewhat carefree but now, as she had been hit by a car, she ironically seemed to be freed of whatever chains life had encircled her with. "Are you even religious?" he asked amused.

"Ugh, that's so totally irrelevant," she waved his comment away.

He dug this new side of Peyton. She reminded him of when they first got together and he forced her into a rollercoaster. She now was like she had been half-way that ride, content, with a smile on her face. He hoped for her she'd find happiness now, because she deserved it after all that had happened. He had heard stories about people turning their lives around drastically after a near death experience and he saw it with her too. Still he couldn't resist but ask:

"And Lucas?"

Before she could answer with an evil eye that he just _had_ to stab her with some negativity, Haley showed up asking if it was alright if she could visit Peyton now. Peyton nodded; glad that she didn't have to reply to Nathan's question. That one pointed shortly at her. "This conversation isn't over."

The petite brunette sat herself down on the chair Nathan had been sitting on minutes ago. Seeing the pieces of torn picture, she kinked her eyebrow. Then she noticed a bunch of pages of An Unkindness of Ravens, not in the book. It was like some gremlin with a paper obsession had snuck in here to destroy it all. So Peyton was angry with Lucas, big surprise there. She opened her mouth to say something but was cut off.

"Before you say anything Haley, I need to get something off my chest."

"OK."

"I …don't like the way you've treated me lately."

"Peyton…" she sighed out bowing her head. She felt ashamed but also a bit shocked of her directness.

"I love you, you know that. You're my music buddy and I feel we just connect. I understand that you're Lindsey's friend too and I don't have any problem with that but I didn't appreciate your judgment when it came to me and Lucas. I wasn't the only one at fault. Everyone always told me how I and Lucas are so complicated so…I don't get where that act came from like you knew everything about us and what we had."

"I-I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I just wanted to keep things the way they are. I mean, it took me so long to find some stability in my life and Lucas was a part of that stability, together with Lindsey. You came back and everything changed again and I couldn't really handle it after all that happened with Nathan. But I understand you, and I apologize."

"I accept your apology."

Haley burst out in tears and hugged Peyton. "I'm just so glad you're alright. I promise to never judge again."

"It's in your nature."

"But still I'll try to just listen and I don't know…find solutions instead of disapproving."

They pulled back and Haley calmed down a bit, rubbing her moist cheeks with the palm of her hand. "So what's up with the book tearing? Pissed at Lucas?"

She turned her head, gazing at the wall opposite her bed. "Yes," she responded calmly. "Or no…I... I'm still figuring it out."

"I can imagine this accident made you realize yet again how much he means to you."

Alertly she yanked her head back to Haley. "Actually …_No_."

"What do you mean?"

"I…don't want to be with him anymore. At all."

Haley kinks her eyebrow non-understanding. "I don't get it."

"Like I told Nathan, I've changed. I want to love _me_ now. Lucas makes me want to _slap_ me. I don't even want to be _around_ him anymore."

"Huh?"

"I've loved him, Hales but…at the same time I've accepted the fact he didn't feel the same and that he hasn't for a long time. And you know, I didn't mind or at least I don't mind _now_ but…there's one thing. Kissing me and than proposing to Lindsey? I…"

"That was-"

"Low? Disgusting?"

"Yeah…"

"I never held it against him because I loved him. But I _should've_. Now knowing that I didn't have enough self-love to merely ask him where he was coming from makes me feel bad. And now recently…All that stuff he spews in front of me about loving Lindsey…Total lack of respect for me on his part." She saw Haley was surprised at her openness. "I know this might sound like I'm egocentric-"

"No Peyton, you're right. He hasn't really been himself lately…Ever since you came back."

"Yes," she nodded. "But I don't care anymore now. I mean, I _can't_ care anymore. I feel like I'm ready to start over new, without him. And I've got to confess…" She fell silent.

"What, Peyton?"

"I feel so bad saying this but as that car hit me my life was flashed in front of my eyes. And I saw Lucas' face, and I saw it again when I woke up. Haley, it made me feel...unwell. Every time I think of him now I'm remind of all the shit he did and how much it hurt me and it's like a knife in my heart." She teared up but suppressed her tears with a deep breath. "Yeah...Sounds heavy. Feels that way, too."

"Wow."

"So I'm going to move out Tric, you know, settle my office somewhere else. Before Lucas gave it to me and before I earned all the money with Mia, I had my eye on this cool office space near the Cat Street." The tone of her voice gets more upbeat. "It's expensive but I think I can afford it now."

"You just…don't want to spend ANY time with Lucas anymore?"

"That's right. Not even see him. He has been inside my head for too long and my brains feel like mousse."

"That's because you had a concussion…"

"Emotional mousse, Haley. It's time to think of _me_. And I did, the whole afternoon. I'm planning to establish a second Red Bedroom office in LA so I'll probably split my time between LA and Tree Hill."

"You're being so drastic."

"Yes! I'm being drastic in changing my life for the better. He's a rotten apple in it."

Haley's face deforms in shock as her friend seems to have lost all her subtlety. "Peyton!"

"That's me from now on, Haley," she lets her know. "I'm sick of hiding my thoughts feelings to satisfy others. It never got me anywhere anyway. Six years of trying to better myself only to be left empty-handed. Well, I'm done with it."

"But your thoughtfulness is one of the reasons why people admire you."

She shrugged. "Tough shit."

x

Haley went back to the waiting room not knowing what to think of what she had just heard. Peyton seemed to have made a 180 degree turn. She was glad about her moving on from Lucas once and for all but she didn't appear to be joking about not wanting to see him anymore, at all, either. She was cutting him out of her life. She didn't want him anymore. It was such a strange thought: Peyton didn't want Lucas anymore. She truly felt taken aback by it.

"I'm going to see her now…" Lucas announced as he saw Haley appear. He had been waiting the longest and the more he just sat there twiddling his thumbs, the guiltier he felt for the way he had treated her. Before his best friend was able to stop him, he was halfway through the hall. He arrived at her door in no time and entered her room.

She gave him a quick glance and then turned her head, wondering why Haley hadn't said she didn't want to have anything to do with him. "I'm tired Lucas, could you please let me rest?"

He cracked an insecure smile. "Peyton…"

"Lucas, I asked you nicely…"

"But the others visited you!"

"Ugh…Did you NOT understand me? Get. Out."

He stepped closer to her bed. "I know we've been on the outs lately, with Lindsey and all but I do care about you and I think we should try to build up a friendship again," he said as Peyton felt steam leaving her eyes and nose as a matter of speak. 'Care about you?' 'Friendship'? As if.

"Get the fuck out I said!! I know you don't attach too much importance to what I say but at least respect my wishes whilst I'm in the _hospital_! I do not want to see you. I don't want to be your friend. I just want you to leave my life so that I can build it up again. You got what you wanted. I don't want you anymore and I don't love you anymore. Yay for you!" Alright, that last thing was a lie, she'd still love him for a long time but she felt like she had to say it. It would surely make the moving on process easier.

"What are you saying…?"

"I thought it was obvious?"

"You're being a drama-queen!"

She yanked her head his way. "If I wasn't in this bed right now, I'd slap you so hard your head would stick to your back, you inconsiderate jerk! What I'm fucking saying is that you're a _poison_. You've poisoned my life. I can't and don't want to see you anymore because I'd like to save what's left from my mental health. But you don't want to let me be. You seem to enjoy seeing me cry and be unhappy about you. I bet it gives you some sick thrill."

"Look," he tried to preserve his calm. "I'm sorry for what happened between us but if _anyone_ is a life-poisoner, it's _you_! I and Lindsey were so happy together and then you came and you trampled on it."

"Don't you know any shame!?" she cried appalled.

"It's not because you're in the hospital that gives you the right to be a bitch for no reason!!" His head turned a rather unhealthy red. "I never did anything wrong!! It's not my fault I love Lindsey and wanted to marry her. It could've been _you_ if you hadn't been so scared of commitment. I refuse to apologize for choosing a perfectly normal, happy, caring girl over someone who gets bored when in a relationship after a year or so."

She felt like screaming but held it together. "You're DELUSIONAL and PATHETIC. You _yourself_ screwed up your life. You LET me trample on your perfect wonderland; it's not my fault you can't seem to keep your girlfriends."

"Shut your mouth!"

"You shut yours! It's so sad how you can't handle the truth that I almost feel sorry for you. Except I don't because you deserve every inch of the pain you're feeling now. Your pain is your own doing, Lucas. You screw up relationships and you string along people. You're a bad, bad person and so you'll end up alone."

"Stop it!" he roared.

But she was on a roll, completely riled up from him saying she ruined his life with perfect, sugar-sweet Lindsey. "So that's why everyone leaves you! That's why nobody wants you! You're a bad seed! Like Dan!"

"You take that back!" he screamed pointing his finger violently at her.

She chuckled coldly. "Just get out, you sad little man."

Still fuming with anger, he stepped closer to her bed and put his hands on either sides of the mattress, lowering his body so that it hung over hers. She got scared having him hovering over her, his face now pale with intense rage. His face was very close to her, in a threatening manner. She felt his breath on her lips and turned her head away. This was too close and she felt caged. "Get out…" she ordered again and hoped he wouldn't notice her fear.

"Relax, I'm not going to choke you," he said in an almost mocking way. "I just wanted to say I'm… _disappointed_."

"Is it like the disappointment I felt when we first slept together?" she asked venomously. She didn't mean it and he probably knew but still it felt damn good to say it.

Lucas almost groaned in frustration and felt like shaking her back and forward when he saw an evil flicker in her eyes. It reminded him of the time in class when they were sixteen and she used 'choke' to describe him. He couldn't believe they were at this point again. Her hating him. Him trying to get a mere hint of kindness out of her.

"God…" She let out a mirthless laugh. "How can someone like _you_ still have such a big ego? With all the shit you do to people one would at least expect a bit of humility from you."

He looked down at her and saw a look in her eyes he hadn't seen for a long time. In six years to be exact. It was a look of complete emotional isolation. "Why are you being such a _bitch_?"

"-"

"Don't get me wrong," he continued like she wasn't about to speak. "I've known you since you were sixteen and I know you can be one, a bitch." He frowned with masked sadness. "I know you're capable of saying those kinds of nasty things. I just didn't think you would ever say them to _me_."

He looked at her in silence; expecting regret to make itself present in her hazel eyes but her face remained emotionless. "You thought wrong. And I meant what I said. All of it. It has been an intense ride, Lucas, but this where it stops. So…Goodbye, farewell, goodbye, farewell…Just pick one and go."

"It doesn't have to be like this."

"You're little visit just proved it _does_. You make me feel angry and inferior. So…_Farewell_."

x

Haley bit her lip as Lucas came back from her room. Silently he sat himself down on one of the chairs, almost physically having to recover from their little conversation.

"How did it go?" Brooke asked.

"It was like talking to her sixteen year old self, only ten times worse. Was it the same with you guys?"

"No," Haley shook her head. "She was really pleasant company with me, Luke."

He shifted his gaze to Nathan who nodded, indicating she had been kind to him too, and Brooke who gave him the same reaction.

"Goodness gracious, Nate, she was meaner to me than you were in high school."

"She told me she was going to cut you out of her life," Haley admitted silently.

"Honestly, Lucas, I can't blame her," Nathan said seeing his brother's shocked face.

Lucas bowed his head. "I once told her I was never going to cut her out of my life. We were just friends then but I really, really meant it. This is all her fault anyway. She said 'no' to my proposal. I moved on, which is no reason for her to be pissed."

"You know as well as I do that girl has EVERY right to be pissed so don't say that kind of nonsense," Brooke butted in. "And she said 'someday', not 'no'. Then **you** cut her out off your life…"

He was ready to object but then nodded almost invisibly. It had seemed the best thing to do at the time, cutting her out of his life, since everything had reminded him of her. He simply had had to bury his feelings and mere liking for her in order not to go completely insane.

"Well, now she did too," Nathan pointed out. "Can't hold that against her. Why the double standard? Because you're the one hurting now?"

"She was vicious," he still said stubbornly. "There was no reason to be vicious."

"Did you listen to her?"

"So if she says 'get out' I should just get out?"

"Yes! You should've."

"No! This is ridiculous. I refuse to let it end this way."

"Why?"

"Because it's absurd! I'll talk to her again when she's out of here and it'll be a calm conversation. We'll figure this out."

Brooke, Nathan and Haley all thought the same, that there was no chance in hell with the way Peyton was now, that she'd be interested in clearing things out. "Respect her wishes, Luke," Nathan said in a slightly annoyed tone. "You owe her that much."

"No, no, no!"

"Why the fuck not?"

"Because she's Peyton."

He stood up pissed at his friend's disability to understand where he was coming from. Without saying another word he left the hospital.

"Because she's Peyton?" the guy sitting behind them asked. "That doesn't make any sense."

Haley looked behind her surprised and slightly annoyed the man had been listening to their conversation. "Trust me," she then sighed. "It makes all the sense in the world."

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	2. Cruelty and the Door

**A/N: **Thanks for the GREAT response, it really nice to see guys like it. I think this story will be about 8 chapters, which might seem quite short but my updates are usually +5000 or even + 6000 words so that definitely compensates I think. Anyway, keep hitting that review button LOL.

But most importantly, enjoy. ;)

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2. Cruelty and the Door

Peyton's eyes glimmered admiring looking at her new toy: a long, shiny, equipped-with-the-newest-GPS- technology '49 Mercury. In black, of course. Since she had seen Rebel without a Cause she had dreamt of owning the same car James Dean had sat in. She loved the laid-back yet edgy atmosphere that surrounded the late actor in the film and always thought that without the stunning car, that atmosphere would've been different or at least less. If she was going to be edgy from now on, she needed a car oozing that new way of life.

The Comet she had sold for 3000 dollars earlier this week to a local garage. It had cost her father a lot more when he had given the Comet to her on her sixteenth birthday but since the car through the years had run thousands of miles, had been stained by dozens of memories of Lucas and of course lately it had also been damaged pretty bad in the crash, she should probably feel lucky she still got three grand for it.

Stepping up the stairs of Tric, she soon stood at the entrance of her office. She bit her bottom lip slightly looking at all the men picking up her belongings and dragging them downstairs to put them in the moving van. Though she felt relieved to move on, it also scared her a bit. She was really starting over new this time; it wasn't just empty words anymore. Since she had come home from the hospital a month ago, she had also already signed two bands and one solo artist: Deus, Error and Bram York, all three bringing in quite some cash already.

"Thanks you guys!" she said seeing two young men puffing away as they picked up her desk. Then her eye fell on another worker, who brushed too close to the record-filled closet she had installed not long after getting this office. "Watch it!" she warned slightly panicky. "Those are my precious!"

In the meanwhile, outside, Lucas arrived at Tric, wanting to see for the billionth time in a month if Peyton had calmed down already, and saw one of the coolest cars he had ever seen. He recognized the brand immediately: this was the same car James Dean had driven in Rebel without a Cause. Curiously he gazed through the car window and was surprised to see a fluffed animal, shaped like a beautiful red ladybug resting on the space next to the driver's seat. It was Peyton's last present she had gotten from her mother.

He remembered the story well: Anna and Peyton had gone to play at the luna park at the fair. Peyton herself hadn't won a thing but Anna had managed to exchange the little points she had gathered for a rather silly fluffed ladybug. Since she had felt sorry for her daughter for being left empty-handed, she had given her the little toy. The next day Anna got hit and died, and the ladybug had never left Peyton's side. It was always in her purse, in her room or in her _car_.

Looking up, he saw Peyton's desk disappearing into the moving van and took a deep, aggravated breath. She was pushing this too far. He had put up with her behavior for two weeks now, hoping she'd mellow and not be so cold towards him anymore but obviously the hope had been in vain: she seemed to be more determined than ever to erase the memory of him. He didn't feel like he deserved it, he had done nothing wrong. You can't blame someone for wanting to marry the girl he loved just because that girl didn't happen to be you the second time around.

He walked upstairs and entered Peyton's office. She was just sending a worker who was standing by her records away and began putting them away in a cardboard box. Lucas stepped up to her. "I see you got yourself a new car."

"Hmmm…"

"How much did it cost?"

"Look…" she tucked a curl behind her ear and only shortly looked up before concentrating on the alphabetization of her music collection again. "I'm sort of busy now."

"I'm not asking you to give me an elaborate answer."

"While you're here…" she acted like he wasn't talking to her. "…I've got something for you." She walked across the room and picked up a medium-sized box. Stretching her arms, she approached Lucas with it. "Here you go."

He looked down at the content of the box and frowned slightly sad and shocked. Love letters addressed from him to her, the bracelet he had given her once upon a Valentine, mixed tapes, the little Monopoly shoe and boat they always were, the silly yet sweet 'I love you' bear he had gotten her in a distant gas station, the rose he had given to her after their first night together she had dried… It was all reminders of their relationship. The last ones she still had, probably. Now he did realize he was being selfish as he hated the thought of her wanting to act like they had never happened.

He had wanted it at a certain point, he had to admit too. Right after he had proposed to Lindsey and she took his head between her hands as she begged him not to marry her. How he had wanted for her to let it go. She wasn't an option; she wasn't safe and she should've just known then all the pleading in the world wouldn't have helped. Lindsey was so effortless. There were no troubles or insecurities with her, just rainbows and sunshine as a matter of speak. Proof? She had cried tears of joy upon finding the engagement ring whereas Peyton had nearly run away screaming while pulling her hair out in panic. Slight exaggeration? Perhaps, but you get the point.

"What's this?" he asked.

"Now?" She shrugged. "Nothing. By the way, I know this building is your property and all but I really don't have time to chat with you about, huh, anything, nor will I have ever again. Or better: I don't _want_ to talk to you ever again. I honestly thought you would've understood that by now."

"I don't want this back," he said feeling himself get slightly sick at seeing all the stuff. It brought back some memories that clashed with his current conviction: that he didn't love Peyton anymore and that Lindsey was the love of his life so of course the box had to disappear out of sight at once. The feeling disappeared as he pushed the box back in her hands.

Her face deformed in frustration before she abruptly turned around and simply let the box drop into a big black garbage bag. "So. Right were it belongs."

He clenched his jaw. Right where it belongs? He had loved this girl so much; he still had his Peyton box and didn't plan on getting rid of it. Their relationship might've turned sour, but those memories were everything. "You're heartless," he then grumbled.

"Oh, God…" she let out. "What about 'go away', 'leave' or 'I wish you would stop trying to make me like you again' do you not understand? I could be civil to you if you, let say, accidentally bumped into me during groceries. Not when you're hanging around me while I ask you time and time again to leave me alone."

"That's not an option for me! We've known each other for so long and you know I care. Why are you doing this to me?"

"Not everything is about you, this –as it happens- is just about me. And you care? Don't make me laugh. You …want _everyone_ to love you through your words but guess what? The actions don't match the words, and so doesn't the attitude. I've been ignoring you calmly this past month but you're seriously skating on thin ice here, Luke. "

"I want us to be friends."

"I don't!" she raised her voice, her eyes flaming. The ice had cracked and Lucas would fall right in the sharp cold. "Friends are a reflection of yourself and the thought of me being a reflection of you makes me sick to my stomach! Don't you get it, Lucas? I don't want someone like you hanging ominously above my efforts to be successful and happy. I wish I had NEVER met you. In fact I had rather run through that red light in junior year if that had meant I never had to see you again. I wish you had kept your hands off me during the school shooting so that I would've never had to listen to the brainless shit you spew again. THAT" she pointed her finger at him heated "is how much I despise you."

The workers who had been listening to their conversation looked at Lucas wondering what he was going to respond to these extremely harsh words. Very alert ones would've noticed the panic in his expression and the dulled sadness in his eyes. Slowly Lucas glanced around him and the workers looked away at once, feeling humiliated in his place. Without another word, he turned around and stepped away.

Peyton felt eyes burning into her and blatantly gazed back. "Booh."

x

Lucas sat alone on the Rivercourt, staring down at the concrete and ran his hand over a freshly sprayed-over spot. If he hadn't known she wasn't kidding by now, he would've known _now_: Peyton had sprayed her name away. All his friends were immortalized on the Rivercourt, but Peyton was gone. She refused to even be a part of his symbolic world anymore. This felt worse than his public humiliation earlier. Though he realized how much she detested him right now, he could soothe himself with the fact that she at least still felt passionate about him. However, she obviously wasn't planning on staying that way as she now also _silently_ detracted herself out of his life.

"What's up, bro?" he heard behind him. Nathan came dribbling next to him and as he saw the blank spot, he stilled his ball and pressed his lips together.

"Why is she doing this…?" Lucas asked confused as he felt tears sting in his eyes. "Why can't we be friends?"

"OK…I'm going to play shrink," he sighed and sat himself down next to his brother. "Step one: are you willing to admit you broke her? Not just her heart, but her entire being?"

"She didn't want to marry me! I moved on!" he yelled.

"She realized it was wrong of her to not marry her though if I had the chance to do my teenage years over again, I wouldn't have married Haley. I would've waited until we'd be both successful, until we had both chased and succeeded in our dreams before marrying and starting a family. Don't get me wrong, my life is beautiful but there's still this feeling somewhere I missed out on a bunch of things. Peyton didn't want to feel that. She wanted to explore herself first and you made her feel like shit over that."

"I loved her, Nate. She broke my heart."

"She didn't mean to. You just had a different interpretation of the word 'someday'. And wanting to marry Lindsey would've been OK, if it hadn't been for the fact you and Peyton kissed."

"It was in the heat of the moment!" he defended himself. "It was never my intention to go back with her." Realizing what he had just said, he looked down, right at the empty spot again.

"Now see how bad that sounded?" Nathan asked almost in disbelief. "You strung her along and for a while, she didn't want to believe that. Now she does and she resents you for it."

He swallowed thickly. "…Let her go?"

"Yes. Just let it go. Didn't you say you wanted to concentrate on Lindsey anyway? She should be here any second. Who knows what you're able to get out of her at the party? You know it's probably your last chance…If you're really love her as much as you say you do, you should be at home getting ready instead of gazing broken at a grey spot"

Lucas nodded. "Yeah…"

x

Peyton gazed at herself in the mirror, running her fingers over the last practically faded mark on her arm and smiled brightly. Since she had left the hospital; she had started to one, move out of Tric and two, make plans for a second base in LA. Lucas had bugged her during the move. If she said she didn't want to see him, she reasoned, he should just back off. But Lucas didn't seem to understand the concept of the word 'no', just like he didn't understand the concept of 'someday'.

"Wow, P. Sawyer, looking sizzling!" Brooke cried out.

She did. For the occasion of Nathan's birthday party she had put on a short, layered navy blue dress made out of cotton. Under it she wore red pumps, which she had been uncertain about at first but looking down at her feet, she had to admit Brooke was the absolute fashion brain. Her hair was down in her natural curls. She rarely straightened them lately as she had noticed the natural look made her stand out more. She simply got more looks from men and though she mightn't be ready to jump in bed with one just yet, it was nice to know she wouldn't have too much trouble getting one.

"Thanks, you look beautiful too Brooke," Peyton complimented her friend, who had a deep-cut emerald top on and classy dark jeans.

"Let's go, hottie," Brooke smiled.

"You don't feel too bad for leaving Angie alone for the first time?"

"No, she's in good hands with Deb," she nodded. "…I think."

Peyton laughed. "Come on, beautiful," she then said and hooked her arm into Brooke's. "We're off."

x

As Peyton and Brooke stepped into Tric, the murmur that had been taking over the place just seconds ago, died out completely. Peyton looked at her beautifully decorated, former work place and saw all the people she knew gaze at her estimating. Though she would stand by what she said about her not being at fault for Lucas' failed marriage, most of the Tree Hill residents saw that differently and so also a big part of the guests at Nathan's party. Peyton was evil in carnation for having torn that perfect girl and her writing boy apart.

The flaring up of the marriage debacle took place because Lindsey was here, by the way. Just as the storm had calmed. Peyton breathed in deeply. "Ding dong, the witch is-"

"Doesn't fit here, P."

"I will have been murdered in a bit, it'll fit then."

Suddenly a welcoming figure emerged from the crowd in the form of Nathan. "Thank God," Peyton sighed relieved. "I thought they were about to ambush me, like in The Simpson movie, with torches and pitchforks."

Nathan laughed. "No things are just a bit tense with Lucas and Lindsey both here, you know? Since you are the comet of destruction-"

"Yeah, yeah…" Peyton cut him off.

"Anyways…" Brooke began and Peyton showed off her brightest smile as they presented their gift. "Happy birthday, Nate!!"

"You guys…" he blushed. "You shouldn't have done that. What is it?"

"Open it…"

He tore the wrapping paper and ribbon off and his eyes instantly widened at the huge amount of sex toys. "You two…" He shook his head. "More Brooke's doing, I can imagine?"

"Yeah," Peyton nodded. "But I suggested the dices."

"Don't worry," Brooke said with a wink. "We got something more decent for you too."

* * *

Lucas just stood at the bar, staring around. He also looked at Peyton, yes. Maybe a bit longer than at other people but that wasn't a crime, was it? It didn't mean she was the love of his life. It didn't mean the book was about her. It just meant they were going through a rough patch and that he'd like to talk to her. Feeling someone slide next to him, Lucas looked at his side. He smiled softly yet couldn't mask his somberness. Damn that grey spot.

"What's wrong, Lucas?" Lindsey asked with genuine care. It wasn't because she couldn't marry him that she had stopped loving him. She'd always hold a special place for Lucas Scott in her heart.

"I don't know, maybe the fact that my fiancée left me in front of the altar." He looked to his side and very faintly curled his lips into a smile, hoping she'd feel for him and believe this time he loved her more than Peyton.

Lindsey gazed back for a couple of seconds. "No…" she then shook her head calmly "it's not that."

"Lindsey, I miss you," he sighed out. "Trust me. I pray every day for you to come back to me."

"That I could still believe, but I know it isn't the reason you're looking so…tired of life."

"What do you mean, tired of life?" he asked almost annoyed.

"When I left you," she began "you had an intense sadness in your eyes but there was always this spark of life. Like, whatever would be thrown your way, you'd survive. Hope. Now your eyes just seem… dead. You've lost your passion."

They fell into a silence.

"Been writing lately?" she then asked.

"No Lindsey," he responded shortly. "I didn't really have time to write since I have been too busy wondering why you couldn't stay with me."

"You know why." She pointed across the room. "Little hint, it's wearing a blue dress."

He followed the pointing of her finger to Peyton and quickly hid the wave of sorrow and regret washing over him. "I don't love Peyton," he said bitterly. "I love _you_. What do I have to do to make you understand?"

She breathed in and out heavily. This wasn't easy for her too; she loved Lucas and would have wanted nothing more than to be his wife if it hadn't been for that curly blond. "I…I want to be able to make your eyes be dead," she said with glazed over eyes. Slowly she shook her head. "They're not dead over me." She sighed deeply and suppressed her tears. "Haley told me Peyton completely cut you out of her life and how she's a witch to you. You're hurting so deeply and you're too stubborn to admit to yourself it's about _her_."

"My eyes are not dead!"

"Stop it, Luke!" she hissed. "Stop embarrassing me. Stop insulting my intelligence! I refuse to be your refuge any longer."

"You're not, I wanted to marry you, I wanted you to be my WIFE! Peyton asked me not to marry you but I still wanted to because I love you!"

"What if you didn't? Love me?"

"I don't get what you mean…?"

"What was your other option? You're too scared to go back to Peyton. I was the only option really."

"That's not true," he contradicted his statement of earlier this day.

"It is! And you don't have to spare me, I can handle the truth!"

"Well, I can't!!" he roared. "I-" Further at the bar, he saw Peyton ordering a Cosmo with a very handsome bartender who was blatantly studying her and shifted his eyes in frustration noticing how Peyton had seemingly turned into a sixteen-year old again. What did she have with bartenders?

"There's the spark again," Lindsey let out slightly angry.

"What?"

"The spark. In your eyes. How dare you profess your love to me and then get jealous over Peyton talking to a guy?"

"I'm not jealous," he mumbled. "He's just …not good enough for her."

"WHAT?"

Lucas bit his bottom lip. O-ow.

* * *

Peyton softly bit her bottom lip, not being able to handle a guy staring at her anymore the way this cute bartender – Rafael, he was Italian, green-eyed with raven black hair and just gorgeous overall, was doing. She was startled slightly when he laid his hand over hers. It annoyed her how much physical contact with another man immediately made her feel like she was betraying her love for Lucas and so she ordered herself to get over it at once.

"My shift is up," he told her. "Can I invite you for a dance?"

She blushed at the gallantness of which he asked her to the dance floor with and nodded. At this point, she still doubted if any dance with a man would ever surpass the ones she had shared with Lucas, but she was open for whatever and whoever would happen to her right now. Rafael didn't give her the same feeling Lucas did when they danced, but he was a good start. She loved how she could feel the passion in his movements and touches; it was probably the Mediterranean blood. She roamed the room as she danced with him and shook her head slightly when she saw Brooke giving her the two thumbs up.

"What is it?" Rafael asked.

"My idiotic friend who thinks you'll ravish me right here on the dance floor."

He chuckled. "Well I wouldn't mind b-"

She let out an appalled yet only half-serious sound.

"But I think dancing is just fine for now," he continued.

"I think it is too."

"You know…" he then said. "There's a couple over there that seems to have been fighting about you for over ten minutes now."

"How do you know?"

"I'm a bartender; I'm practically a mind reader."

"Yes, well…" she said dreadfully. "Bitching about me is their favorite hobby."

He pulled back and gazed at her confused.

"Don't worry about it," she reassured smiling and pushed herself closer to him again. "It's just a whole lot of drama I no longer want to be a part of."

* * *

"Then look at them," Lindsey cried for the hundredth time. "Watch her dancing with him! If you aren't jealous that shouldn't be a problem."

"Stop it, Linds," he demanded.

"LOOK AT THEM!"

He yanked his head Peyton's way and caught himself looking down at once, not wanting to experience the bad taste her dancing with that guy left in his mouth. "I looked at them…" he muttered.

"…And proved my point," she finished for him. "I don't know how long it will still take but you're going to wake up one day and realize how much you love _her_. The sad thing is… she might wake up the same day, but to realize she _doesn't_ love you anymore. Seems like she's well on the way, too. All I know is that I'm glad to have escaped the madness that is Lucas and Peyton. I had almost gone crazy too, dying my hair blond…"

"Lindsey, please…"

"No, I'm done," she shrugged. "I have been since I left you at the altar. I just felt like having this conversation to see what the difference is between _me _leaving you and _Peyton_ leaving you. To reassure myself I made the right decision. And now I'm certain I have."

She stepped away to the other side of the room and Lucas bowed his head, exhausted. He didn't have the strength to follow her and beg her to stay. He didn't believe in the perfection of their relationship anymore either. She didn't want him. Two years wasted. Because of one girl, who had destroyed it but who now stood on the dance floor acting like no-…Wait. Where had she gone?

He scanned the place attentively and finally noticed her in a dark corner, where no one would notice her unless they were on a mission to find her. He saw how the bartender pinned her against the wall and bowed over to kiss her. His hand went from her back, lower and lower until she reached behind her and put it higher again. She then placed _her_ hand on the back of his head and brushed her fingers through the hair just above his neck, occasionally shifting her hands to cup his face. It made Lucas sick to see her kiss this nobody the same way she used to kiss him.

The envy coursing through his veins drove him mad not only because he felt possessive but also because he wasn't supposed to feel this way about her under any circumstances. He downed another Martini, turning more annoyed, angry and sad with the second, for Lindsey refusing to let him live sheltered and Peyton abandoning him and kissing strangers.

Five minutes later Peyton finally came back for air and mumbled something to Rafael. Further she walked towards the bathroom. Lucas slid of his tool intoxicated with his eyes narrowed to splits. Just as she was about to enter a cabin, he raged towards her.

"YOU!" he cried.

"Not again," she groaned. "I was just having fun, figured you felt the need to crap all over it."

"You ruined my life!!"

She sighed. "Can I please go to the bathroom without being shunned?

"I'm not joking," he warned and stepped closer until she was trapped between his body and the wall. "Lindsey doesn't want me anymore because of you," he hissed in her ear, his gestures aggressive. "You should just go back to LA and continue to screw over people there, SHREW."

"Get off me, you lunatic." She flattened her hands and pushed him away hard so that he stumbled back.

She quickly opened a cabin and just sat herself down on the cover, her bottom lip shaking out of fear and also slight shock of what he said. She had said worse things to him, she knew that but she couldn't help but be a bit hurt herself. She _knew_ she should just let his words slide off her. Besides, he had been drunk. Drunken persons are stupid anyways. Her body jolted in anxiety when she heard his fist land on her door.

"Come out!" he cried. "Coward!"

Her eyes widened before she jumped up off her seat. "You're crazy!!" she yelled. "Go away!"

"You hate me, Peyton?! Huh??" he screamed through her door. "Well I hate you too!! _I_ HATE _YOU_."

"Lucas…" she calmed herself: he wasn't going to push down the door, he might be strong but not that strong. As long as she was in the cabin, she was safe and so she decided to act normal. "Now this kind of behavior is what made Lindsey leave you," she let him know. "No one likes a madman."

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?" he screamed so loudly his voice grated. "IS THAT WHAT THIS ALL IS TO YOU? A BIG JOKE?"

"No that would be you in bed," she continued provoking him. "Probably another reason she fled. I can imagine the vision of a marriage with a lunatic who's on top of that bad in bed isn't very appealing."

Lucas began pounding harder and harder into her door, his face scarier than that of Jack Nicholson in The Shining; every girl or woman we wanted to go to the bathroom immediately changed her mind seeing him. Peyton suddenly burst out laughing imagining how ridiculous he must look hitting the door with his fists frantically. She knew the situation was far from funny and she didn't know how despite her imagination she could laugh with it, yet she simply couldn't stop. Her body jolted quickly as she laughed until she turned purple; it was like an emotional breakdown, only more pleasant than 'normal' ones. She was laughing with her own misery because she didn't have any tears left to cry.

However, her reaction made him lose it completely: his life had fallen apart, his fists hurt like hell and were bleeding, and yet she was roaring with laughter, every little chuckle she let out felt like a cruel slap in his face. "Come out!" he cried. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!" he repeated this, reacting to her attitude like a child who didn't get things his way. "COME OUT!"

In complete irrationality, he went to sit on his knees and put his hand under her door, reaching up and moving it like a claw, making Peyton let out a high-pitched scream. Though he couldn't touch her like this in a million years, she felt scared simply because he was acting like a complete disturbed maniac. She wouldn't be suprised at this point if he'd climb over the toilet wall to choke her; he seemed to hate her with the fire of a thousand suns. "You're mental! How much did you drink, for God's sake?!"

He groaned and stood up. "That's your doing!! Saying 'no'," he yelled and hit her door again. "Being a JEALOUS COW and not even approaching me at my book signing," he continued, giving her door another hit. "And then your finest moment: coming back in my life, ruining it and chasing the one person away who loved me unconditionally. I was SO DAMN HAPPY until you came back..."

An absolute quietness followed.

"I loved you unconditionally too," she then broke the silence. "I-"

"LIAR!" he yelled. "If you had, you would've said 'yes'. At least be courageous enough to tell those kinds of lies to my face and COME OUT!"

"No way, Johnny, I'm staying here."

"That illiterate bartender is waiting for you Peyton," he hissed. "I doubt you want to stay here when you're able to act like a slut out there!"

"I can't believe this! A slut? You're unbelievable. This is only the third guy I've kissed in a year. And one of the three was you so do the maths and see how slutty I've been."

They fell into a silence as Peyton awaited a response. Lucas breathed in deeply. It was as if an invisible fist curled itself around his heart and squeezed it. He could just not handle her behavior. He wanted for her to keep loving him despite everything. Maybe, it had crossed his mind once and very briefly before he had suppressed the thought again, we would find our way back to each other and when we did, she'd be waiting for me with open arms. Now she was throwing a second layer of earth on the one _he_ had buried his hope under.

Five seconds passed, ten, and then out of the blue he gave her door one last heavy punch. At that very moment, Brooke entered the bathroom. Her jaw dropped seeing the blood on Lucas' knuckles and on the white toilet door. Lucas looked at her suddenly having the posture of a boy being caught doing something he knew wasn't right. She gritted her teeth, hoping she wouldn't be right about what she was thinking.

"Peyton?" she called.

"Brooke?"

"GET OUT!" the brunette than roared at Lucas, unable to believe he was hassling her like this. He had gone insane.

Lucas first shuffled, then speed-walked his way out of the ladies' room. Purposeless, he began walking through Tric and suddenly tripped over his own feet. Saintly as she was, Lindsey ran over to him, though after a deep sigh. As she picked him up, she noticed his bloody hands. "What happened?" she asked. Then she smelled the liquor in his breath. "Oh djeez." She laid his arm over her shoulder and took him to the back, where she laid him down on the couch in the space reserved for performers. She pushed his hair back and looked down into his watery blue eyes.

She turned her head away from him thoughtful. "I'm just going to…" She didn't finish her sentence but walked to the sink to wet her handkerchief. Softly she grabbed his hands and dabbed his bloody knuckles.

"I'm so sorry, Lindsey," he suddenly began to cry. "You deserved better than having me happen to you. I'm so…so sorry…" His crying got worse, almost reaching hysterical proportions. He couldn't speak for five consecutive minutes, completely overcome by emotions.

"What happened?" she asked calmly. "How come your hand is bleeding?"

He shook his head. "I can't tell you…"

"I know it has something to do with Peyton," she simply replied.

"So sorry," he repeated in a sob.

"So…"

"She was so mean again, and I had a fist fight with her toilet door."

"You still love her, don't you?"

"No..."

"You do."

"NO!"

"You love her, Lucas. You love her so much it's driving you MAD!" she raised her voice. "Her NOT loving you has resulted in this PATHETIC version of you, you LOV-"

"OK! I DO! But DAMN I don't want too!! You must believe that, Linds. I HATE IT. And tonight reminded me why I don't want to love her; I was completely out of control," he acknowledged. "Completely mad. Oh God…" he then sighed. "You shouldn't be listening to this. Just get the duck tape or something."

"What did she say?"

"She said I was a lunatic nobody wanted. Is that true?"

"I left you because of this, Lucas." She showed him his hand. "It's quite unbelievable what that woman can make you do, I knew that from the second you started writing again after she was back for, like, three seconds. If I had married you it had only been a matter of time before you had an outburst like this and slept with her or something instead of fighting a piece of wood."

"I would've been faithful…"

"As long as you believe that…" she said with a kinked eyebrow, obviously not believing that for one second. "So what are you going to do about her?"

"I don't feel like talking about this with you."

"You're already doing so, genius."

"Nothing. Me and Peyton are completely over," he shook his head. "She hates me. And I hate loving her."

"But it'd be such a shame if you left it like this."

"Why are you saying this?" he grumbled. "You're weird. Why do you want me with her? I was supposed to _marry_ _you_, for God's sake! Did I mean that little to you?"

"Lucas, I love you to death but…" she began slightly upset. "I lived a lie for so long, convincing myself I'd once mean as much to you as her yet here you are, three years after your break-up, bleeding and drunk over her. And I left you because I knew she has this kind of power over you. However I wouldn't have ran if I had known you wouldn't have done anything about your feelings for her anyway. You mustn't let my sacrifice be in vain."

A short, loaded quietness suddenly veiled the room.

"Linds…" he frowned. "You know-"

"Yes… You're sorry. I am too."

"I don't know what to do. I'm scared of her. Not only because of the fact that she's supposed to have this 'power' over me but she's really vicious." He gazed at the ceiling. "And…Am I really bad at sex?"

She let out a laugh and he immediately yanked his head her way annoyed. "Oh, calm down…" she said. "You're great at it, why?"

"She said I was a joke in bed," he mumbled.

Again Lindsey laughed but ceased to do so when he gave her a death-glare. "Well Lucas… Sounds to me she's just trying to hurt you and succeeding wonderfully." I knew she could be a bitch ever since she made me that little song in the library, she thought inside.

Lucas looked up into Lindsey's kind, grey–blue eyes. "Oh, God, I'm so sorry," he sighed. "And believe me when I say I never wanted this. You've been such a great girlfriend and I love you still. Always, probably."

She felt her eyes glaze over again. "But… It doesn't exactly compare, does it?"

"Almost," he let out softly. "Almost."

"You have to tell her you love her…This is killing you mentally."

"I can't," he muttered. "What should I say? 'Why, Peyton, I know I ignored you these last months and that only you treating me like shit and cutting me out of your life made me see how much I need you but here it is, I love you'? I can't do that! I just… can't." He breathed in and out, getting drowsier. "She wouldn't take me back anyway…"

Then all of a sudden, he fell asleep. Just like that. He had given up his inner struggle and found some peace it appeared. He didn't look happy, no, how could that be when Peyton was slapping him verbally every chance she got? But she hadn't seen him sleep so _relaxed_ in years.

Lindsey sighed; feeling liberated herself and stepped back into Tric, closing the door so that Lucas wouldn't be disturbed of the noise. She noticed the bartender Peyton had been kissing earlier had returned to his work and Peyton was now just sitting down with Brooke by her side. She walked over to them. The two best friends looked up non-understanding.

"Lindsey, what…?" Brooke began.

"I'm going back to New York…Lucas is OK, by the way. I patched up his hand."

"Wait…You think we're interested in that, why?" Peyton asked.

"P…" Brooke said disapproving.

"Go easy on him, Peyton," she said.

Without another word, Lindsey left.

"Do you believe that?!" Peyton cried. "The guts those two have. I don't know WHY she left him; they're PERFECT for each other." She sipped her Bacardi. "Selfish people," she then mumbled. "'Go easy on him'. It's not even like I'm randomly mean, he just doesn't stay away."

"You're the flame to his moth. And honestly Peyton, you were too for quite some time, going to see him even though he had rejected you."

"Sure, yes, I admit that. But the other way around? I don't think so; he has made it very clear Lindsey is his flame or whatever-not that I care. And even if I _was_ his flame…You know what happens when the moth comes to close? It gets hurt. I got hurt, a lot. Plus, he feels my anger, Brooke, trust me, and he's not a bug. He's choosing to have these burns himself."

Brooke didn't say anything anymore, knowing it was in vain but she had recognized the serenity Lindsey had over her earlier. It was the same feeling she had radiated when she had heard Peyton and Lucas had become a couple in senior year. She had feel strangely relieved when she had found out he had stopped pushing away his feelings for her friend, because it had meant she hadn't been seeing ghosts. She had been right: Lucas loved Peyton, and more than her. Lindsey was right to think Lucas loved Peyton more than her.

She didn't know how things would go from here but she did know this would be a second beginning for Peyton and Lucas despite the fact that her friend had sworn at the hospital. Why? Because they were Lucas and Peyton. Her comet, though with some unfortunate victims like herself and Lindsey getting grilled in the process, would always find its way back to him. It was only a matter of time.

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So, what did you think? I tried to make Lindsey a bit deeper than we've seen on the show and I hope I succeeded.


	3. Pudding and Goodbyes

**A/N: **Thanks for the reviews! I appreciate it A LOT. :)

By the way, to the person who mentioned it: I don't not hate Lucas BUT from what I've seen this season, he has been a spoiled little brat. He's not going to stay this way in my story because I, like all, LPers I think like him better when he's the good guy. However, I can't have him treating Peyton like he should yet because he hasn't for quite some time. It's _kind of_ changing from now on though. ;)

One last thing: this chapter has **M rating** so yeah...If you don't like don't read LOL.

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3. Pudding and Goodbyes

Peyton let out a deep sigh as she stepped into her house after a week of being in LA. In that week she had bought an office space interviewed a bunch of candidates, realizing that with two buildings, she'd have to hire some people. Now that she was back in Tree Hill, she'd have to start interviewing here too. Whilst in LA, she had given the direction of Red Bedroom records in Tree Hill to Haley but since it's impossible for her to continue to combine it with her job as a teacher in the future, Peyton would have to find new staff. After she would've done that, she'd go to LA for six months to start the office up.

If all went well, she should be able to sign a couple good bands and than she'd leave the LA management to Taylor. She had met him here in the city two years ago but he had been working for another record company then. However, for the same reasons as her namely integrity in character and music, he had quit to search for a challenge, which he had found with Peyton. He had a lot more experience than Peyton, though as his father stood at the head of the biggest record company in New York and so he had grown up in the business.

All of this made Peyton one-hundred percent sure her record label would be in perfect hands with a guy like him at the top.

Hardly a second after she put down her suitcase, her cell went. "Peyton Sawyer," she answered it.

"Hi, Peyton," she heard Haley's stressed out voice.

"Hey, what's up? You sound like you're being chased by wild hounds."

"I feel that way too. Peyton, I know you only must be back for like a minute but I have to ask for a favor."

"Sure. Anything for you, Hales."

"I was wondering if you could look after Jamie this afternoon. I have to go to this teacher's meeting, then manny is sick, Brooke is as you know in New York for Angie's heart surgery, Nathan is with Quentin and Lucas…Well he's God-knows-where. Lately he just sits around town brooding."

"No prob," she reassured her. "I'm on my way. It's about time me and him spent some time together anyway, I'm not even sure the kid knows my name."

"Peyton-"

"Just kidding," she cut her off. "I'll be there in ten."

She jumped into her Mercury and sped her way over to Nathan and Haley's. Opening the door she saw Jamie running around like a madman with his paper-made airplane and new this was going to be an animated afternoon. "Peyton!" he cried and ran up to her. "Momma said you'd be taking care of me this afternoon, is that true?"

"Yes it is…Where's your momma?"

"She left five minutes ago and said I had to wait in the couch until you came but I wanted to play."

"Oh, alright…So what do you want to do?"

"Basketball!"

"But I-" She saw his expecting blue eyes and gave in. "I'll try."

An hour later they were sitting by the pool. Peyton had gotten tired of playing basketball quite quickly and Jamie, who was very considerate for a four-year old, had instead suggested he'd swim. Peyton sat by the side of the pool making sure he wouldn't drown. Suddenly he crawled out of the water and ran up to Peyton who took a towel and dried the little boy.

"Tired already?" she asked.

"No, it's time for Days of Our Lives."

"What?" she laughed.

"Me and momma always watch it together."

Then he batted his hand in front of his mouth. "O-ow…That was a secret."

"It's safe with me," she reassured Jamie and together they walked inside to settle themselves in front of the television with a bowl of popcorn, which Peyton had made to come in Jamie's 'cool' book.

The boy explained her everything there was to know about the characters and their relationships. "Hand, hand," he suddenly let out.

"What?"

"They're kissing on a bed!"

"Oh…" Peyton held her hand in front of the little boy's eyes. "Does your momma do this too?"

He nodded. After the sex scene, they continued watching and as always in a soap series, Peyton couldn't help but find the long squinty looks the characters gave each other absolutely ridiculous. Give them glasses already, she thought inside. "That's how uncle Luke always stares!" Jamie let her know. "You sometimes don't even see his eyes anymore, just his lashes!"

"Jamie…" Peyton said in a dismissive tone. "That's not very nice."

"But you don't like uncle Luke," he reasoned. The boy had been thinking about the similarity between his uncle's looks and the characters of Days of Our Lives' for a while now but had never dared to say it out loud since his momma loved his uncle and might be hurt. But Peyton didn't like his uncle Luke so she should agree and think it's funny.

"That doesn't matter, Jamie. _You_ should respect him, he's your uncle."

"Why don't you like him?"

"Huh…You're too curious!" she avoided his question.

"I love my uncle." He looked up at her with his innocent blue eyes. "Is that wrong?"

"No, you're definitely not wrong in loving him. You should love him. He has always been good to you so he deserves that."

"Has he been bad to you?"

What the two blondes didn't know is that another one was standing behind the corner and had been for five minutes now. Lucas often randomly paid Haley and Nathan a visit since they were basically his only support right now. He hadn't told a living soul -except for Lindsey- he still loved Peyton though, he was too scared and proud for that. He hadn't known Peyton would've been back so soon by the way, he had expected her near the evening.

Peyton sighed. "You're not giving up, are you?"

Jamie shook his head.

"OK…" she took the boy on her lap. "You know you told me about Elise earlier?"

"Yes…" Elise was the girl in kindergarten Jamie had had a crush on.

"You liked Elise, yes?"

"Uh-huh."

"So tell me again what she did when you told her that. When you told her you liked her."

"She took her rice-pudding and turned it upside down on my head and it was all over my hair and face."

"That hurt you, didn't it?"

"Right here," he pouted and laid his little hand on his heart. Peyton cuddled the boy briefly, endeared by his cuteness but also feeling for him: heartbreak isn't fun at any age.

"And now you don't like her anymore, do you?"

He shook his head vehemently. "She's a naughty girl, my momma says."

"She definitely is. And that's what happened with me and your uncle Luke."

"He also put rice-pudding on your head?"

"A whole bowl," Peyton nodded.

With genuine sympathy, Jamie threw his arms around Peyton's neck. "I'm sorry, Peyton."

Rice-pudding, she thought inside. If only it had been just that.

"Uncle Luke!" Jamie then cried all of a sudden, the tone of his voice suggesting he wasn't pleased with what he had just heard. Peyton looked over her shoulder and had to do her very best to not let her face take on a repulsed expression as she didn't want Jamie to see the disdain she felt for a person he loved. "Why did you put rice-pudding on Peyton's hair? That's naughty!"

He bowed his head. "Because I was bit stupid." They fell in a silence wherein Peyton literally had to bit her tongue to keep her calmness, a very hard task around him. "Could you please go upstairs and play with Chester for a moment, Jamie?" Lucas asked.

"B-"

"Jamie, please." Feeling the tension, he jumped up and ran upstairs like his uncle had asked.

"What are you doing?" she hissed. "I'm supposed to watch him!" she said angrily after the boy had disappeared upstairs. "If you're going to bitch about me ruining your life again and tell me you hate me, save your breath. I've heard it enough now."

"Peyton, I didn't mean that, I just had had a lot to deal with lately. I could never hate you…I'm just still hoping you'd change your mind about us being friends."

"Well I'm not," she simply said. "Is that all?"

For a couple of moments, Lucas just looked at her and to be honest, he despised the fact that he felt his heart sore. Even now he wanted Lindsey had simply believed him. It was cowardly, yes, but he couldn't help but think that dating a girl you love but don't open up to completely was a safer, better bet than giving his heart to Peyton with the risk of being hurt. The only problem with that was that dating other girls didn't make her disappear; instead the girls disappeared as soon as they were faced with Peyton, not being able to handle the intensity he shared with her.

Now he was here again, aching over the girl who had the tendency to reject him over and over again but he had surrendered to it, having realized once and for all that as long as Peyton Sawyer walked this earth, none of his other relationships would succeed; it didn't matter how hard he tried to make them work. He could deny all he want and convince himself of his undying love for others but those others never quite believed them. Because no girl could make him weep, scream, laugh, give him dead or alive eyes like she could.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked almost rolling her eyes.

"At Nate's party, it hit me that I…" He gathered all his courage. "I won't ever love anyone like I love you. And when I look at you, it just keeps hitting me. Peyton-"

"Duck," she simply said, not believing what he spewed for a second.

"I'm too tired to duck." He shrugged. "I remain standing straight to look you in the eyes. I love you."

"OK, let's clear something out here… I'm _Peyton Sawyer_, not _Lindsey Strauss_. You got the wrong girl."

"I know who you are…" he replied. "But me and Lindsey are over and I don't want her! I want _you_."

"Correction. _She _doesn't want _you_." She let out a bitter laugh. "You want me now? Awesome. It turns out I'm not only the black sheep but also second choice!" She raised her hand, waving his comment away. "Just get out, you can come back later when I'm gone, I seriously can't stand being in the same room with you."

He clenched his jaw. "When are you going back to LA?" he asked as he knew this wasn't going to lead anywhere and he wasn't about to cause a scene while Jamie was around. It was obvious she wouldn't believe in him, his love for her and his good intentions any time soon and if she did, she probably wouldn't accept of for a much longer time.

"Next week," she bit. "And-" Suddenly she saw Jamie sitting on the stairs with tears in his eyes.

The viciousness of Peyton's tone and words and Lucas' trying to persuade her had reminded him of the tensed, dark period he had gone through a while ago, watching his momma throw insults at his daddy, even wanting to divorce at a certain point. He ran upstairs upset.

"Jamie!" Peyton called him before pointing her finger at Lucas accusingly. "All your fault." The next two hours she had to comfort Jamie and after apologize to Haley for fighting with Lucas while her son was in the house.

x

One week had passed since Peyton had returned from LA and she was already going back tomorrow. For six whole months. This last week had been heavy for her as the pressure to find good staff had been high, but all had worked out and she was confident in the people she had hired. Wanting to say goodbye in style, Haley had invited her for dinner tonight and was going to make the best dishes she could. Peyton had said it wasn't necessary but she wanted to do this for her, because it's just the kind of thing you do for a friend.

"What's this?" Lucas asked entering the kitchen. He saw chicken with carrots as garniture; the dish looked so beautiful it seemed to come from a catering service. "Special guest?"

Haley bit her bottom lip. She hadn't exactly told Lucas about the goodbye dinner, also because he really, REALLY couldn't come. Peyton had demanded it and even if she hadn't, Haley knew better than to let him come. Literally every time they had bumped into each other this week, Peyton had gotten so angry Haley had half-expected her to burst out of her clothes like the Hulk, upon which Lucas had become frustrated because all he wanted to do was for her to soften her attitude and give him another chance, even if it was only as a friend.

"This is for Peyton," she replied somewhat apologizing. "We're having a goodbye dinner for her tonight."

"What… I'm not invited? What a surprise," he said with bitter sarcasm.

"Lucas, please…" she sighed. "You know how she gets around you. I want this evening to be something we can cherish instead of something we have to forget because it was such a drama."

"You're saying I'm drama?"

"You _know_ you're drama."

"Haley…I love her."

Her eyes widened. "You WHAT?"

"She didn't tell you I…?"

"Not a thing."

This confirmed his belief that she didn't talk about him anymore either. "I've been so wrong," he shook his head. "But I do, I love her more than I can express in words."

"Lucas, I wish I could attach some true value to that but I don't know…It sounds so familiar. I heard it hardly three months ago and then those words were reserved for Lindsey."

"I love, Lindsey, I do… But goodness Peyton…" Haley glanced at him estimating. "Look at me, Haley…"

"You look tired," she noticed.

"I'm going fucking crazy. I mean it; I can't eat, I can't sleep… This is what I was afraid of, this is why I didn't want to love or be with her. Some people don't get a pet because they're scared that it might die. It's the same with me and Peyton. If I had gone back to her, and we wouldn't have worked out again, I wouldn't have survived, not a second time around."

"What changed your mind?" she asked still surprised he admitted it finally.

"Do you have to ask? First Lindsey, who I tried to convince with all that I had that she was the One for me. And… I don't think she even _considered_ believing it. Deep down I knew why and I didn't quite believe it either."

"Wow."

"Two… Peyton treats me like a nasty leech that sucked the joy out of her and has to be killed. I know she has her reasons but it isn't easy. Not being in her life made me realize living without her is even worse than living with her the way she is now. I'd rather see her and be insulted than not being around her and have nothing."

"Because you're handling her remarks, insults and put-downs so well," she said sarcastically.

"She makes me angry-"

"Angry? She makes your head turn lava-red."

"I know, Hales but it's better than to feel dead."

"OK, that's great you've accepted you love Peyton but you're simply not coming tonight, no matter what she does or doesn't make you feel. It's her night and I doubt she wants you here," she said. "Besides, you guys gave my son a crying fit earlier this week, I don't want that again."

"So you're all going to be sitting here cozily without me? What about _me_?

"Kentucky Fried Chicken?"

"Hales!"

"You have dinner with us all the time, Luke."

"But _she_'s not always there."

"I'm sorry, Luke, but the answer is 'no'. She doesn't want you here during her goodbye dinner and that's that."

"What if _I _ask her?"

x

"Excuse me?"

"Come on, Peyton… I know I'm not your favorite person right now but I just want to see you before you leave for LA. I want us to grow closer."

"If you say that one more time I'll just pull my hair out. I mean it."

"But-"

"GET THE HELL OUT!" He took a few steps forward. In fury, Peyton took an edition of Rolling Stone that lay on the desk in her new office and threw it at his head. "OUT, OUT, OUT."

His face turned red in anger but he listened: with a loud, frustrated scream, he left her office, slamming her door in the process. The first thing he did after was find a bar to drink his pain and wrath away.

x

Peyton put her key in the lock and turned it to open her door. After closing it, she took of her coat and threw it in the couch before she let her own body fall into it, feeling intoxicated by the fair amount of pink champagne she had drunk. Absently she turned the little lamp standing on the cupboard next to the couch on and gazed at the huge shadows on her ceiling and walls as if they were the eight world wonder.

Just as she was thinking how she wished Brooke had been here to say goodbye, she heard an impatient knock on the door. Frowning, she stood up from the couch and walked to the door in a rather crooked line. Opening it, she saw Lucas standing in front of her, again seemingly furious with her. It was really getting old. "What are you doing here?"

Without answering, he stepped inside. She backed away, slightly uncertain what to do. "Huh…Could you please go?" she asked. He remained standing in the middle of her living room, lightening her with his eyes and making no preliminaries to do what was asked of him.

"Fine," Peyton let out. "Don't go then. Stay there looking creepy." She stumbled her way to get herself a glass of water. Before she reached her kitchen, she very suddenly felt herself being violently pressed against the wall, upon which she gasped loudly.

There was no space between her body and his, none between hers and the wall. He grabbed one of her hands and pulled it up to raise it above her head. She was instantly sober and scared, too. She tried to keep her hand where it had been, near her waist but it was in vain, he was much stronger. So now she stood there, with her body, under arm and hand pressed against the wall hard. There was nothing but silence and breathing for the next couple of minutes.

Occasionally Lucas shifted his head: from looking up, eyes raised to the ceiling, resting the side of his head against hers to almost placing his chin on her shoulder. She had never felt him more unquiet and it alarmed her; he was not his usual self, whatever that was right now. "Lucas…Let me go, please," she let out softly, hoping if she'd talk in a nicer way, he'd calm down.

He let out a bitter chuckle. "So now you can speak in a normal tone?" He grabbed her other hand and violently turned her around.

She gazed in his eyes, which stood aggressive and were glazy. "You're drunk again," she accused him, not seeing the use of being kind if he saw through her anyway. "It's quite sad actually, to turn into an alcoholic just because Lindsey left you. Shows how weak and spineless you are."

"I'm not that drunk, Peyton; I can walk in a straighter line than you can right now." Not that that was saying much; Peyton was quite tipsy as well. "And yes, Lindsey left…" Lucas almost shed tears out of pure frustration. "…because of you, b-"

"I-"

"No...I'm not angry at you anymore, I just want you to give me another chance." He ran his hand shortly over her face. "Peyton... You said you were going to wait for me; I believed it." She yanked her head away and his face deformed into frustration again.

"Why would I wait for a pathetic drunk?"

"You love me!" he let out furiously.

"No, you were right all along, I don't think you're good enough for me," she lied. "You're just a small-town coach with a semi-successful book, I'm holding out for something better now."

Under normal circumstances, he would've burst into tears, but these were drunken circumstances. He bowed his head, which had been so close that it brushed along her cheek as he pushed his body so close she could feel his heart beat. His hands, which were still wrapped around hers, trembled with anger. "You sure got a lot of nerve," he hissed. "You'd think a woman in this particular situation would be a little more humble."

"How much did you have?" she asked genuinely surprised he hadn't fled after what she had said.

"Enough."

"Not enough for you not to find you way over here," she spat.

"I always find my way to you." He removed his right hand from the wall and slowly slid it up and down her side.

She saw his pupils growing even larger than they had already been in this darkness, her harsh words of earlier seemingly forgotten. "Get your hands off me," she ordered and slapped his hand away. "And control yourself."

"I can't stop loving you, Peyton," he let out. She clenched her jaw and slapped him hard. He touched his cheek scowling and wrapped his arm around her waist very tightly. She whimpered as he shook her firmly. "You'd rather have it if I acted like you?" he asked as he looked into her fiery eyes. "Telling you you're sad, pathetic, inferior?"

She swore her hand was going to be pulp if he pressed it against the wall like this any longer. "Let me go," she whimpered. "You're scaring me!"

"You're afraid of me? That's a first."

"You're an ass! A lying, drunk, evil ass!"

"Your insults do nothing for me anymore." He moved his head closer again and leaned it against the side of her head, smelling her hair softly. "Tell me you hate me, I don't mind. I know I love you. I love you…" he husked.

He felt her hand rise again to slap him and without pulling away his head from her hair, he took her hand and pinned it down next to her side, holding it tight until she gave up. Instead of protesting now she just wondered what the hell he was doing. Then suddenly she felt his lips on her and yanked her head the other way, which only resulted in him moving to the spot where he did have liberty to kiss her neck.

"Stop, Lucas," she ordered in a whiney voice when he his lips left her skin. Though she felt his breath on her skin, she thought maybe he'd listen and pull back as he just stood there doing nothing for a couple of seconds. Her thoughts were proven wrong as he bowed over, now also sucking her skin and moaning against it.

He finally let her hand loose. She didn't try to slap him again or push him; it made him feel she wanted this though she wouldn't show. He pulled away and tried to kiss her mouth but she twisted her head in all possible positions to not have her lips touch his. "I said stop…" she let out breathily, not firmly enough to make him listen at all.

After a couple of attempts he groaned annoyed, cupped her face with one hand and turned her head roughly towards his before he kissed her hungrily. She growled in frustration as he pulled back to place his forehead against hers. "I hate you," she let out still dazed of all the alcohol she had downed tonight. "So much."

When he bowed over, capturing her lips again, she bit his bottom lip hard. He pulled back growling and brushed his lip with his thumb, noticing a bit of blood. It only got him more heated and he kissed her rougher, pushing his tongue against her teeth until she couldn't but open her mouth. He thrust his tongue inside and Peyton moaned, scolding herself for it immediately. His hands slid over her body and one of them began to stroke her breast through the material of her green dress before blatantly massaging it. Whilst he did so, he pressed his hips against hers; she felt he was fully aroused and it hit her what this was leading to.

"No…" She pulled herself away from him and also pushed his hand down.

But Lucas hadn't really understood the meaning of that word lately and slid his hand behind her back instead, trying to undo her zipper. However, it was a tricky one- Peyton had had trouble with it herself- and it got stuck. Frustrated Lucas grabbed the pieces the zipper had already separated and simply ripped her dress in two. It fell off at once, leaving her in only her lacy black underwear and heels.

"You're going crazy," she cried non-believing. He had ripped her beautiful dress in two! She stumbled back against the wall with a death glare, refusing to let him see her breasts, which she had covered with one arm. "Crazy!"

Lucas simply took a few steps forward, content the dress was no longer an obstacle, and slid his arm around her waist. "You're not rejecting me again," he told her and slipped his hand under her arm, to her breast to gently tease and taunt her. She gasped loudly and a couple seconds later, lowered her arm; her resistance was broken. He pulled away from kissing her neck and stared admiringly. He was breathing heavily, slightly licking his lips whilst he softly placed his hands on either side of her upper body. "Three years…" he let out.

She wished her body wouldn't react to him the way it did. However, every sign of her want for him was there, and he saw it. She crumbled completely when he bowed over and began to kiss, lick and suck her breasts. "Oh God…" she moaned as she put her hands in his hair and pushed him closer. Though she wouldn't admit it, three years had indeed been too long.

She caught her breath when he stopped but there wasn't time to recuperate as he almost immediately slid his tongue in her mouth again to war with hers.

"Tell me you still love me, Peyton," he said sighing, between kisses. "That you need me."

"I don't..." she lied. It wasn't about her being physically aroused or not, both knew damn well she was but he wanted her to give him a verbal sign she still wanted him.

Suddenly she felt his hand slip in her underwear to only a second later, feel his finger enter her. She opened her mouth and groaned in pleasure. He bit his bottom lip feeling how wet and tight she was for him. "Liar," he breathed. He kissed her again, sliding another finger inside of her as _she_ felt his attitude changing, growing softer. The kisses he dropped on her collarbone and shoulder were passionate and hungry but tenderer than before.

"This doesn't change a thing," she quickly mumbled as she rocked her hips to the movements of his fingers. She didn't know if what she was saying got through to him though: he seemed so intoxicated, not only with alcohol, but also with her.

Peyton felt the heat building in her, arching her back as his fingers moved inside her frantically, his thumb stroking her into ecstasy. He removed his fingers reluctantly and slid both his hands to her thighs as she wrapped her arms around his neck. He lifted her and she hooked her legs around his waist tightly. When he had made his way to her bedroom, he laid her down and then took his clothes off rather fluently for someone who had a couple double scotches too many; he wanted this badly. Slowly he slid his hands over her legs and stopped at her thong, pulling it down. He crawled so that he was hovering over her, fully ready to be inside of her.

"Kiss me, Peyton," he demanded. He just wanted to feel she still loved him, that this wasn't just sex. But she didn't kiss him, instead she looked up to him, her eyes saying 'as if'. He got angry again, realizing he wouldn't taste her lips unless he made the initiative. "I love you so damn much," he hissed before crashing his mouth into hers again, violently. She wouldn't give him love but he'd take what he could get now. He moved her legs further apart with his knee and penetrated her, groaning loudly as he did so. He only got louder when he finished sliding inside of her and began to move. "You feel so good," he let out.

You do too, she caught herself thinking inside but would rather die here then tell him that. Truth was, he wasn't bad in bed at all. In fact, Peyton had never quite understood the beauty of her own body until he had helped her discover. If she felt good about her body, it was because of him, because of the way he stared at it when they made love, the compliments he used to give on how a certain outfit suited her when they used to date and the way he touched her.

Lucas smiled hearing her breathy sighs turn heavier with each thrust until they were loud moans. To him this felt like coming home. If he said he hadn't been in love with another woman before, he would've been lying. But she was a class of her own: being inside her body, moving with her, feeling her legs around him felt extraordinary. He tried to forget all the bad that happened and just focused on her beauty, watching her: closed eyes, parted lips, heaving chest and her cheeks rosy with arousal.

He shortly bowed his head. "I love you, Peyton," he smiled against her skin. He picked up the pace when she began to move faster; it had been so long since he had felt her like this and he couldn't get enough.

She gazed in his eyes, which had lost that dazed, glazy look. He seemed clear. At that moment, she hated _herself_. All that talk about taking care of herself and here they were, moving as one. Looking up at him moaning on top of her, she felt a million of feelings run through her so quickly and chaotic she couldn't even recognize one. All she knew was that with everything she had sworn and promised, she was now betraying herself.

"Do you love me?" he asked breathily and despite their frantic movements placed a soft kiss in her neck.

"Fuck you," she let out frustrated yet quite appropriately seeing the circumstances.

His hopeful expression changed into a pissed off one. What was wrong with her? He cursed himself for loving her, for loving her even when she was this cold and he cursed _her_ for rejecting him yet again. Roughly, almost animalistic, he pounded into her over and over, going faster than he had during sex in ages. Just as he thought he couldn't move faster, harder or rougher, he did. "Damn, Luke!" she cried. He looked down at her and could see just from her face she was about to come. Seconds later she screamed and he soon followed her in her climax, exploding inside of her.

Her whole body shuddered as he collapsed on top of her, trying to catch his breath. He stayed inside her, feeling good there. He sensed one of her arms resting on his back and wondered if she did that consciously or not. She gazed at the ceiling as it seeped through what she had just done. Her thoughts were interrupted by his lips brushing over her collar bone, his hand touching her breast as his other stroke her thigh. He hardened inside of her once more, the expression on his face becoming one of pure lust again as he settled himself straighter, with the intention of having her for the second time this night.

"Luke..." she whispered. Once? Heat of the moment. Twice? Not so much. "Pull out." But she didn't have the heart to push him off and it wasn't like she was cold-blooded: a naked man –a naked _Lucas_- laying on top of her, inside of her... She knew she was fighting a losing battle, which was proven when he reached his hand between them and stroke her. Breathing heavily, she wrapped her legs back around him, pushing him even deeper inside her; they both moaned.

"…nothing…" she let out. Though she still loved him so much despite everything, she'd be damned to ever show it again. Lucas knew what she meant with 'nothing': this was supposed to be just a confused night of sex, nothing more. However, he didn't care at this very moment as he started to move inside of her once more.

When it was over, she again kept her eyes on the ceiling, feeling awfully low about herself. All the efforts she had done to avoid him, start a new life and now she had just let him take her not once but twice. She didn't say another word but rolled away so that she wasn't facing him anymore and curled her body in fetal position. Briefly looking over her shoulder she saw Lucas had already fallen asleep, but she felt too mentally weak now to send him away.

x

The next morning, when Lucas opened his eyes, the first thing he did was look around him to see where Peyton was. He remembered everything about last night, also the fact he had had the best sex in ages but more importantly, she hadn't stabbed him in his sleep. Putting his boxers on, he left her bedroom and began to walk through her house, looking for her.

Hearing noise in the bathroom, he walked to the door. Briefly he just remained standing looking through the crack and his eyes lit up seeing her. She was putting her earrings on, looking very concentrated as she did so. Being the professional she was lately, she wore a black suit, though with skirt. There was still the occasional rock accent here and there in her clothing but mostly, he knew, she wanted to radiate money and power now.

She was soon ready and walked out of the bathroom causing Lucas to take a couple of steps aside. She completely tensed up after she had opened the door and saw him standing there half-naked. She hid her insecurity. "I'm going to the airport. Last night never happened," she let him know. "It didn't mean a thing except maybe that you were chasing your…thing and I was too horny and drunk to protest so I'd like it if you wouldn't mention this to anyone."

His face dropped. "I wasn't chasing my, huh, my thing; it was more to me than just sex."

"Please, you were like an animal."

She began walking past him and he grabbed her arm carefully. "If I recall correctly, that's the way you wanted it. Emotionless." He moved so that he faced her. "_I_ wanted to make _love_ to you."

"Let go of me, Lucas," she ordered with hard eyes. "I mean it this time. And I'm completely sober."

He looked at her sadly.

"What had you thought?" she asked. "We'd wake up and be together and happy? That's not possible for us. Ever again. We've had a lot of beautiful moments together, but those don't match up to all the crap you did the last months. It was more than just rice-pudding." She gazed at him protruding, hating the feeling he gave her, that she was doing him wrong. "Do you have ANY idea how much I loved you? It's you who destroyed that love, Lucas, not me. I reached my limit and there's no going back now. One night of drunken sex isn't going to change that; you're delusional for thinking that."

"But Peyt, I felt y-"

"No," she cut him off aggravated. "I don't see myself with you now or in any kind of future and you need to accept that. I'm not going back to you as it would be the biggest mistake of my life, and that's saying something, 'cause I've been pretty messed up all my life."

"So this is it? He asked releasing his grip on her arm, hoping she'd say 'no' or at least be torn.

Peyton stared at him silently for a couple of seconds and then stepped further to grab her suitcases. "There's coffee in the kitchen if you want." He shifted his eyes nervously as it now only hit him this had indeed changed nothing. "When you leave, could you please see if everything's locked up the way it should be?" she asked seemingly indifferent. "Thanks."

With those words, she closed the door behind her and headed for the airport. She cried in her car with a sad anger. She despised him. But what worse: she loved him more; much, much more. It wasn't easy knowing she would probably never feel about anyone the way she felt about Lucas. However, at the same time she realized all too well this was the man who had treated her like a sick old dog one was tired of. So, yes, she loved him more than anything but not during any time last night or today did she even consider going back, ever. It had to due with self-respect –something he had destroyed and that she had to build up again-, with knowing better and with protecting herself.

Soon she'd be in LA, though, and then all would become easier.

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Tell me what you think!


	4. Prince Charming and the Doctor

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**A/N:** Thanks a million for the incredible response. If this was fanforum I'd put a hug smiley here LOL. Anyway enjoy the next chapter!

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4. Prince Charming and the Doctor

It was seven o'clock in the morning. With her usual cappuccino in her hand, Peyton went to sit at her desk and switched on her lap-top. She yawned deeply since she hadn't had much sleep tonight. She had been in LA for about three weeks now, and was slowly getting used to the routine. Thought 'out of sight, out of mind' wasn't apt for Lucas in her case, she had lately been able to not think about him as much as she once used to. There were whole hours when he didn't cross her mind; it made her feel hope for the future. She was looking forward to the day she'd forget about Lucas with whole her heart.

As usual, she opened her mailbox yet this time she felt a stab of pain seeing one particular mail. It was a message wherein stood Lucas' new novel was now available for pre-ordering. She deleted the mail. She didn't want to read it. He had always been good with words, there was no denying that and though she knew all too well the actions didn't match them, she felt incredibly scared she might be sucked into that black, angsty world of Lucas Scott again. Not pre-ordering the book and hence not reading it was in her case the only way to go.

"Good morning, my little ray of sunshine!"

Her body jolted. "Djeez, Taylor. Don't scare me like that."

He chuckled. "What were you doing you didn't even see me coming in?"

"Oh, right…Because you're so gorgeous you're surrounded by a big white light every time you step into a room." Taylor wasn't only an excellent business man, but the girls lay at his feet. If he wanted sex, all he had to do was snap his fingers and a whole herd of the female race would come running his way.

However, ever since he had met Peyton, he had reduced his bed-hopping. It was no secret he had a major crush on her as he did things for her other, lower ranked stuff should do like making her copies or just blatantly asking her to go out. Peyton had up until now stayed unaffected by his flirtation but still she couldn't deny he was smoking hot: if he had been a celebrity, he would certainly appear in some Most Beautiful People List with his black curly hair, deep-brown eyes and tall, broad built figure. So she had checked him out, yes, but if she'd say she was swooning every time he'd came near her, she'd be lying.

Despite her disapproving tone when it came to his promiscuity, she did enjoy his company: he was arrogant but incredibly witty and kind too. He had reduced her to tears more than once during their coffee breaks, and not because he was saying she ruined his life but because he could talk about simple every day things with a great passion and sense of humor. She hadn't really told him about Lucas, though. He must understand he caused her a lot of pain, but that was all. She hadn't even mentioned his name; Peyton had pulled a Brooke Davis and called him 'guy without a soul', 'my trauma' or simply 'him'.

"No…But I slept with someone once who bought me a pair of glow-in-the-dark boxers." He smiled seeing Peyton's puzzled face. "Anyways, I want to ask you something."

"What?"

"Go out with me." He asked her this ten times a day.

"That sounds like an order."

"If it's an order, would you go out with me?"

"Huh, no, seeing as I'm not a robot."

"Peyton, you're killing me here," he groaned.

"How so?" she kinked her eyebrow. "You're easily injured then. I think you're simply not used to have a girl say 'no' to you. But guess what, I'm not any other girl an-"

"I know you're not. That's why I want to go out with you. And not to some rave, I'd like to, you know…The flower thing, restaurant, doorstep…" He got slightly shier. "I really like you, and not only for your body." He shifted his eyes nervously. "Huh, I mean, I've been working with you for only five weeks, I know but during lunch breaks and just moments like this… I'm just really falling for you. For your passion, your strength, your -"

"Stop," she ordered calmly and nicely, as she stepped closer. "First of all, I don't think you know what being in love is. You're just baffled you don't simply see me as a sexual object you want to 'boink' right here on my desk but as someone you respect as a human being."

"Who says I don't want to 'boink' you?" he asked teasingly.

To be honest, she had been quite blind to all the male attention ever since she had slept with Lucas again. That's just the way it was: every time she came too close to him she needed time to recuperate and dismissed the thought of a man looking at her like Taylor does every time she walks in a room might mean he's interested in her. This man, though, planted the thought in her head over and over again so that there was no denying possible around him.

"Secondly," she ignored his comment "if you were really falling in love, I'd suggest you'd put a stop to it somehow. I come out of a very 'tragic' love story. I'm traumatized, not completely over what happened and hence a really bad catch."

"I'm fucked up too."

"B-"

"Look, do you still want this guy?"

She fell silent. "I …still love h-"

"I'm not asking you that. We all still love our exes in some way don't we? Well, me not really but you get the point. I'm asking you if despite the trauma, you'd go back."

She then shook her head. "No I wouldn't. That's why they call it a trauma, genius. Even the mere thought of going back to him gives me anxiety attacks."

"Then I don't see you being a bad catch. You don't always catch a girl who gets anxiety attacks thinking of her ex. There should be _more_ like you so all those sweet, good-hearted guys around are sure not to be cheated or left."

"Taylor…"

"And I'm not some sex maniac. I've had a real girlfriend before," he nodded, trying to convince her.

"You probably only lasted three weeks with her."

"Two actually," he let her know without bashfulness "but that doesn't matter. What matters is that I treated her like a fucking _princess_ those two weeks."

"It's too soon…" she shook her head. "You know what I was doing when you came in?" She turned the screen his way and revealed the book webpage. "It's supposed to be about me." Thoughtfully she looked down. "It just seems that everywhere I turn I see his face or am reminded of him in some way. It still shakes me. Until that isn't so I don't know if I can start a relationship."

"Relationship?" he let out. "You're getting ahead on things. I was just thinking of a date and _maybe_ more ones if it'd work out. I'm not asking you to marry. Hell, I probably never will, I'm not that kind of guy. I just like to see things from day to day; you saying the word 'relationship' scares the living shit out of me."

She bit her bottom lip thoughtfully.

"Please," he begged folding his hands as if he were praying.

Seeing that, Peyton could only think about how this must be the first time he has to beg a girl to date him. It was nice somewhere thinking that, that she was something unique to him. The first reason she'd give in was their good bond and the fact that she enjoyed being around him a lot. The second one was that completely nothing about this guy reminded her of Lucas. Lucas and Taylor were like black and white, day and night, earth and sky: inside and out they were so different that the idea of ever being more with Taylor didn't unsettle her at all. In fact it calmed her: if he was so different he'd never hurt her like Lucas did.

She looked at him, into his eyes, which were the darkest brown ones she had ever seen and sighed. "Ugh, OK…But I'm so not sleeping with you on the first date. _Or_ the second, or the third, or-"

"I get your point," he cut her off and then backed away smiling. "I'll just go, plan then? Friday?"

"Sure."

When he disappeared out of her office, Peyton caught herself smiling. She was so proud of herself she was turning her life around, even stepping into the dating world again. Maybe everything would be alright after all; maybe one day she'd go to bed and not think of Lucas.

x

In complete awe, Peyton gazed around Taylor's limousine. It was already their second date after the first one had been a huge success. It seemed like Taylor was determined to introduce her into the world of the elite: a couple of days ago he had taken her to a Broadway première and the VIP party afterwards and _now_ he was again taking her somewhere she suspected was quite exclusive as she was sitting in a million-dollar vehicle. She had never sat in such luxury and you could definitely tell, to the amusement of Taylor and his chauffeur.

"If you push this button," Taylor began. "A freshly made crème brûlée will pop out."

"Really?" she asked with big eyes but hit his arm insulted when he began to laugh at her naivety. "Don't mock me!" she ordered.

"I'm not mocking you; I just think it's cute. Under all this toughness, you're just a simple southern girl."

"I'm far from simple, rich boy. Trust me."

"I know…" he smiled. "Have I told you already you look gorgeous tonight?" She was wearing halter-neck black dress that clung around her body. Since Taylor had made such a big deal about her having to look her absolute best, she had also chosen to wear her mother's old diamond earrings. They were gorgeous and sparkled just like she did.

"You did," she replied. "If I recall correctly you said 'I'm glad you're looking so beautiful, I wouldn't have want to have an embarrassment attached to my arm'; it was really romantic, I was touched."

"You know I was joking…And I only say that kind of stuff because I know you can take it. You're not like the other girls who'd burst out into tears or get all insecure. You're stronger than that, more confident." She smiled at his kind words. "Anyways, I got you something," he then said and showed her a black velvet box.

"What's this?"

Without waiting for an answer, she opened it to see a diamond necklace. "Taylor," she gasped out. "This is so beautiful, so gorgeous, I can't…I can't accept that."

"Sure you can."

"But it must've cost a fortune…"

"I own a thousand times that fortune," he said. "Without bragging of course."

She gazed at the jewel with slightly open mouth and wide eyes; she was mesmerized. "I don't know what to say…"

"Nothing. You don't even have to wear it now…"

"What?" she asked confused as she finally tore her eyes away from the necklace.

"I see you're already wearing diamond earrings and they're not exactly tiny. Now I don't want to put you down but I know that though you loved your ex, he doesn't drown in cash and yeah, I'm well aware you've come a long way since you left LA but still I don't think you can afford those already. If you _would_, you wouldn't buy them for yourself."

"What an analysis," she smiled amused.

"There's sentimental value, isn't there? They were someone else's before they were yours?"

"They're my mother's," she nodded. "My dad saved for them a long time and gave them to her on their fifteenth anniversary. She left them to me when she passed away."

"They're stunning, Peyton," he smiled laying his hand over hers. "You wear them like only you could and this necklace, how new and expensive it might be, wouldn't do your beauty the same justice. So just …keep it for later."

"Thank you, Taylor…" she replied blushing. She was charmed beyond belief by his sensitiveness tonight. "So where are you taking me?"

"A restaurant."

"How…Original," she teased.

He gazed at her slightly kinking his eyebrow. "Ever heard of Spago?"

"No way!" she said with big eyes. "You're taking me to a two-star restaurant? I heard that if you go eat there, like, dessert and everything, you pay five-or six hundred bucks."

"That's true."

"Are you trying to buy my love?" she asked with a cheeky smile.

"Is it working?"

She sighed. "It doesn't matter to me if we go to Spago or McDonalds, you know?"

"Really? Let's go then. I'll ask Stephen right away if he'd turn around. Milkshake or coke?"

She tapped his arm. "As if. You _are_ taking me to Spago."

"But I thought you said it didn't matter…"

"You know what I meant with it. You don't have to do this: diamonds, top restaurants… Despite the perverseness and the arrogance, I really like you, and I would've still liked you if you were poor. Of course I would've been bummed out if you had bought me a Happy Meal but only because that would've been a lack of effort, not because it's cheap."

"I know what you mean, Peyton. And I'm glad because…"

"Because?"

"Because if I'm quite honest with you, I have to admit I'm willing to give up scr- huh, bed-hopping."

"Translation?"

"I wouldn't mind giving up my one-night stands and whatnot for you, because I think –and don't laugh at me, I don't usually do this- I think my feelings for you are genuine. I really like you, Peyton and when I think of you, the word 'relationship' doesn't frighten me anymore."

"It doesn't frighten me anymore either," she smiled. _Day and night_, she kept thinking. He was so open and courageous enough to let her know he felt something for her. He's all she wanted Lucas to be.

He laid his hand on her cheek and her heart raced a bit safer. He wasn't Lucas and she had accepted that she'd never feel that way about anyone again but Taylor did make her _feel_ again. He was like a witty, slightly arrogant Prince Charming and she was enthralled. He didn't kiss her but just looked at her, seemingly very nervous to come nearer.

She slid her hand in his neck and pulled him into a soft kiss. He deepened it slightly before the pulled back. It wasn't fair to him but Peyton immediately thought about Lucas again yet it wasn't necessarily bad. She just couldn't get over the fact that even his kiss was completely different. The bartender's and also Jake's kisses at Trick had been a poorer version of Lucas'. The Taylor kiss wasn't poorer because it wasn't comparable. Complete and utter opposites; it made her feel so safe.

"That was nice," she smiled.

He nodded. "Want to do it again?"

x

There was a nice sun as Haley stepped onto the Rivercourt with Jamie attached to her hand. She had taken him here on his own request; he had wanted to shoot some hoops alone, to practice. However, it seemed he wasn't going to be able to do that as Lucas sat on the concrete again, staring down at the empty spot. Sighing Haley at herself down next to him; Jamie remained standing straight next to the adults.

"I don't think she'll ever forgive me, Hales. I talked to her today; she still hates me and says my voice makes her want to hurl."

"That happens when you hurt people's hearts," Jamie butted in, placing his hand on his chest.

"James Lucas Scott!" Haley let out in disbelief. "This is grown people talk. Little children shouldn't speak about these kinds of things."

"Peyton gave him the rice-pudding comparison," Lucas explained.

"Oh…" She sighed, thinking back about that day, where she had to comfort her son whole evening. "Well I understand you feel sorry for Peyton, but you can't say those kinds of things to your uncle Luke. He wasn't nice, he knows that now and so when you say he hurt Peyton he hurts too." She smiled. "You get that?"

"U-huh…Uncle Luke you know I don't want to hurt you," he pouted and took his hand.

"I deserve all the hurt I get," Lucas sighed.

Jamie looked up at his mother, now knowing what to do with that answer. "Jamie, what about you go …sit on the bench?" she sweetly suggested. He listened and went away, feeling a lot more lighter again now that he wasn't in the middle of a serious conversation.

"Haley, what if this is it?" he asked as she sat herself down next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. "I call, she hangs up on me. When she picks up I'm reminded of how much I screwed up and how it's irreversible. With each day that passes she seems to despise me more and more." He paused. "You think there's someone else?"

She sighed; deciding to tell him what she. "Yes. There's this guy, he runs her company with her. They're taking it slow but she says he's treating her like a princess, Luke," she admitted not daring to look him in the eye. "He buys her flowers and diamonds, he holds her door open for her, he takes her to the most luxurious restaurants…She told me he makes her feel worthy and special again and in all fairness Luke…That shows quite some contrast to how you treated her the last months. I think she's rediscovering love doesn't always have to be pain."

Tears stood in his eyes.

_"Oh no, I am an idiot!" she cried. "No, you know what? Scratch that, __you are an idiot! I didn't know any better."_

_"What are you talking about?" he asked genuinely surprised. _

_"Lucas, you guys have been together what? Just a couple of hours and you're in the car with me? Why didn't you tell me? I wouldn't have even asked you to come."_

_"Peyton, I made you a promise," he simply answered. "Besides, you should be able to turn to me for help. I love being that guy for you!"  
_

_"Well, does Brooke love you being that guy for me?"_

_Sure, he cared about Brooke but even though he realized the stupidity in going on a road trip with Peyton while his girlfriend was insecure beyond belief about the two of them, the most important thing for him at that moment was helping the blond next to him through life. It had been the most important thing since he met her to be frankly honest. All he had ever wanted was for her to be happy, preferably because of him._

Instead of caring for her these past years, _his_ insecurities and fear of abandonment had been her way to destruction. Realizing that made him feel very much guilty, worthless and sorrowful. "But I'm bettering my life now, Hales…" he looked at her reassuring. "I want to make her happy; I don't want to be this guy anymore. I just feel so awful."

"I didn't mean to be so harsh…" she said soothingly, her hand rubbing his upper arm "it's just that she has given no sign she still loves you since her crash. I'm not saying she doesn't – I know she does- but I don't think she has any intention to ever get back with you, especially not since she met Taylor."

"That's his name?" Lucas asked. "Taylor," he let the name fall off his lips again, the word leaving a bitter aftertaste. "And he's rich?"

"Filthy," she confirmed. "His father owns Black Heaven Records; he's a millionaire."

Lucas clenched his jaw, recalling what she had said the night they slept together.

_"No, you were right all along, I don't think you're good enough for me." Her words were like swords cutting into him. "You're just a small-town coach with a semi-successful book, I'm holding out for something better now."_

"What is he doing with Peyton then? Why couldn't he just work in his father's company?" he asked hurt.

"They strive for the same thing: integrity in the music-bizz. Why?"

He shook his head in disbelief. "I should've never come out and said I still loved her. I had my reasons and now they're confirmed. She doesn't believe in me. I'm not good enough for her. My job's not good enough." He fell in a short silence. "But I guess she has found what she wants now. I should've just-"

"No. I don't want to hear the name 'Lindsey' just because Peyton rejected you. That would be a lack of respect towards her and you'd be going in circles. Besides, you're talking nonsense. If Peyton decides to be with this Taylor guy, it's because she likes him and not because his rich. That wouldn't be like Peyton and you know it."

"Hales, she told me she thought I wasn't good enough for her and that she was holding out for something better…"

"And you believe that? Come on. She's just angry with you and knows your weak spots. Peyton doesn't feel that way about you. Though she probably wants to."

He sighed. "I don't know, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and especially with him in the picture. I don't know if I _should_ even fight for her anymore, I feel so ashamed and just laughable compared to him. I mean, he sounds wonderful and I...am just the screw-up who treated her like a piece of dirt. It's like he's Batman and I'm one of the random cons he overpowers. I can offer her nothing, he _everything_."

Haley remained silent because if she was frankly honest, that's what she was feeling too. Peyton would be crazy to go back to Lucas at this point and she had never seen her so clear when it came to Lucas since the crash. For the first time in years, she truly believed this could be the end of them.

x

Peyton sat down on the chair in front of the doctor's desk, waiting until he was finished doing his thing in the back. She hoped he'd what she had caught quickly because she'd have to be back in her apartment at seven as Taylor was coming over to cook for her. Well, not just cook, they were most likely going to have sex. Since their first date, she had held off the 'sex boat' for about a month until she was surer. Now that she was she didn't feel like wasting any more time. Plus, it was kind of a strange thought but she figured he must be pretty good after all the girls he had.

As the doctor came back, he sat himself down and looked at Peyton from over his glasses. "What seems to be the problem, Miss…"

"Sawyer. I made an appointment this morning with Ms Jones. You're a gynecologist."

"Ms Jones got sick just this morning and asked me to take over her appointments this afternoon," the doctor informed her. By the way…Gynecology is a specialization, Ms Sawyer," he pointed out a tad insulted. "It definitely doesn't mean I can't do routine examinations."

"Sorry," she apologized a tad sheepishly.

"It's alright," he smiled. "So how exactly are you feeling? Is there coughing? Sneezing? Fever?"

"No…I feel sick. I've felt sick for a couple of weeks now."

"I see…"

"And I have these hot flashes like I'm in menopause or something." She cracked a smile but the doctor's face stayed blank as he didn't seem to find the thought of a twenty-two year old woman being in menopause as funny as Peyton, instead he seemed to be a bit troubled. "OK…Anyway, what do you think? The flu?" she wondered out loud. "But wouldn't that be a bit late? It's already April, you know?"

"I don't think it's the flu."

"So…What's the diagnosis then? I mean, I don't want to nag but I have somewhere to go…I met this guy and I really like him. He's going to cook for me." She smiled at the doctor who gazed at her as if she was slightly mental for telling him all of this. "So fix me, doctor, I want everything to be perfect tonight."

She suddenly felt another wave of nausea come over her. "Sick…" she let the doctor now. "Seriously, I'm…" She held her hand in front of her mouth as the doctor pointed frantically at the sink. She puked until there was nothing left; taking the cup of water the doctor gave her to rinse her mouth and then plumped herself down again. "See?" she let out exasperated. "It's been like this for quite some time now. I certainly don't want that to happen with his food. That would be neither polite nor attractive."

"How do you feel now?"

"OK, I always feel sort of _OK_ after but then it comes again."

"Miss Sawyer, when did you last menstruate?"

"Oh…" She felt uncomfortable with the direction this conversation was going and didn't dare to reply because she knew how ominous her answer would sound. "It has been eight weeks," she mumbled. She wasn't regular but even she knew deep inside eight weeks without a period was very long; she just hadn't wanted to face even the mere possibility but this nausea and all the other symptoms that have taken over her body could no longer be ignored.

The doctor gazed at her protruding, as if he was saying 'dumb girl, haven't you even considered the possibility?'. "So let's name sum up our symptoms: hot flashes, morning sickness, falling away of the menses and let me guess…Tender breasts, fatigue, headaches…?"

She bowed her head slightly embarrassed to admit the following. "And I have to pee a lot."

Slowly the doctor shook his head. Frequent urination occurred only from six to eight weeks after conception. "Turns out you landed the right kind of doctor after all."

"What do you mean?"

"Ms Sawyer, it's highly probable you're pregnant."

"I can't…It's not possible," Peyton shook her head panicky. "I can't be pregnant. Just, no."

"Unless you haven't been sexually active lately, that is _very_ well possible."

"NO."

"Let's take a test," he sighed. "My second appointment of the day cancelled anyway."

What he saw here was a typical case of I-know-I'm-pregnant-but-prefer-to-live-in-denial-because-it-doesn't-fit-in-my-life. He gave her a urine test since Peyton hadn't had any time for a blood test, which would show the result only after an hour. Peyton took the test and after ten minutes of waiting, the doctor took the strip between his plastic-glove protected fingers, showing her the 'plus' symbol that had appeared.

"It could be wrong," Peyton said stubbornly.

"I'd like to perform a pelvic exam on you," he simply replied. He didn't know what was causing this girl to act this way but ignoring a pregnancy was just absurd to him.

"Now?"

"It doesn't take that long."

She nodded. He took his gear and ordered Peyton to go lay down. She glanced down as he gazed between her legs thoughtfully. She had always hated pelvic exams, having someone gaze at her down _there_ as if it was an abstract work of art didn't do anything for her. He inserted two fingers to evaluate the size of the uterus, tubes and ovaries.

"Doctor…What if I'm pregnant?

"It's not a matter of 'ifs', Ms Sawyer, the real question you should be posing is 'How long have I been pregnant?'." Suddenly he removed his hand and took off his gloves, helping Peyton out of her awkward position. "You're seven weeks along, Ms Sawyer," the doctor announced before rolling his chair to the sink and wash his hands. "Despite your stubbornness."

Shocked, Peyton disappeared behind the curtain again and took her underwear and pants off the little chair she had laid them on earlier before putting them back on. Further she went to sit on the seat in front of the doctor's desk, dazed, as if she had been hit by a sledgehammer. Her world crumbled yet again.

A baby… She was going to have a baby. But not just _any_ baby. _His_ baby. Lucas Scott's baby. She saw his face flash in front of her eyes, his face of that night that had spoke of determination to _ravish_ her and clenched her jaw. If he had been here she had slapped him senseless. She was angry at him for coming over that night, at herself for giving in and at the universe for being a menacing bitch. How could she get over him when it stood in her way?

The doctor's eyes widened when he suddenly heard a loud crying begin behind him. "It's the wrong guy!" she let out. "I thought I was doing so well forgetting him, liking and dating someone else and now I'm pregnant with _his_ baby. Even when he's not here, he manages to creep his way back into my life. It's not fair!"

He now rolled his chair to Peyton's and patted her back. "There, there…" he comforted. Not knowing any better way to offer solace, he asked her if she had used any birth control.

She reflected. She knew she had stopped taking the pill a little while back when she had been convinced her life was over and nobody would want her anymore. "I quit taking the pill a couple of months ago, I didn't think..." She didn't finish her sentence. She just really hadn't thought at all.

The doctor then asked her if her partner had used a condom. She went back in time and replayed their night together. No, they hadn't used a freaking condom. She remembered she had thought about it fleetingly but since she had been somewhere between drunk and tipsy, with him being all controlling between her legs, ready to take her like she was the last woman on earth, she hadn't exactly been too busy pondering about it. The next morning she had been too caught up in shunning herself to think of taking the morning after pill.

"We didn't think about it."

He shook his head. "How could you not have? You seem like a sensible, level-headed young woman and there are warnings _everywhere_."

"You weren't in the same position I was…"

She began to sob even louder and didn't stop to do so for the following twenty minutes. When the doctor had calmed her down, she could finally exit his working space. She had hardly put her heel on the sidewalk when her cell went. Absently she picked it up, wiping her tears away with her free hand. "Peyton Sawyer."

"Peyt, it's L-"

"Didn't I tell you to stop calling me?! DIDN'T I, LUCAS?" she yelled so loudly passer-bys looked up. Images of him and her having sex kept flashing in front of her eyes. If he hadn't been so aggressive and horny, she wouldn't be dealing with the dilemma of keeping a baby or not. "And if I remember correctly, I asked you to STOP calling me 'Peyt' too."

"I'm just getting really scared. I love you, but I-"

"You listen right here," she hissed upset, angry and hurting. "Even if I did believe even for a split second you weren't spewing shit, I still wouldn't be affected by that. You said the same GODDAMN thing to Lindsey for MONTHS so either your words don't mean a damn thing or you see me as a second choice-"

"You know you've always been my first..." He sighed. "Peyton, I don't what to say to convince you, I though you always knew I'd come to my senses because you know me better than myself and that's why you said you'd wait. So how can you not believe I love you now, how can you not believe I NEVER loved anyone as much as you?" He paused and softened his voice. "It's been so many years, and I still want everything with you."

"You can't see it from here, but from where I'm standing in LA I can see a pig fly above the Starbucks."

"Don't be so inexorable…" he paused. "Is it because…?" He went silent and decided to change his choice of words. "I hear you've been seeing someone."

"That's really none of your business."

He knew what he was going to ask was risky but did it anyway. "Does he make you feel the same way I do?"

She felt another wave of nausea rush over her and ran in an alley to throw up. Now that there was no denying anymore, she experienced every sign of her pregnancy fully. She was sick, her breasts ached, she was tired and it seemed like an elephant –just a baby one though- was dancing on her head. It made her furious; everything, just everything, was the fault of the one at the other end of the line.

"Peyt?" he kept repeating her nickname worried.

"WHAT?"

"What was that? What happened?"

"YOU! YOU HAPPENED," she now cried, tears falling off her face. "Now leave me the FUCK alone."

x

Hearing a knock on the door, Peyton stood up, wiping her tears eyes. However, that was in vain as she immediately began to sob again seeing Taylor in the door opening with his ingredients. He may have been promiscuous but he was such a good guy; he didn't deserve to have to deal with these kinds of things. He had told her a couple of days ago she was in many ways his first love and now she had to drop this kind of bomb on him.

"Hey…" He wrapped one arm around her. "What's wrong?"

She pulled away from him and went back to sit in her couch. He followed her. "Are you that worried about my cooking abilities?"

She let out a short laugh but then resumed crying at once. "I'm pregnant."

"Pregnant?"

"Seven weeks."

"Wh-What are you talking about?"

"I… I have to tell you something."

"Let me take a wild guess…" he began frustrated, he couldn't help it. He felt with Peyton that he had found someone to step into a serious relationship with and now she was _pregnant_, for God's sakes. "You had sex with _him_ before you came to LA?"

"I didn't mean to…" she cried. "You have to believe me! And I just found out two hours ago, I didn't know, or I didn't want to see. I just…attract bad luck."

"No, it's the decisions you make," he replied firmly. "You made the decision to sleep with him and now you're pregnant. Bad luck doesn't have anything to do with that. One makes his own luck, good or bad. If there's anything my dad thought me it's that."

"I didn't mean for it to happen!"

"And you _love_ him…" he scoffed, ignoring the last thing she said.

"Please…"

"No, wait, let me get this straight: you love him, you slept with him and now you're having his baby?"

"I told you I'm NOT GOING BACK! That didn't change. I'm done with Lucas. A baby doesn't define what we did or didn't have. A baby doesn't define _me_."

"So you're keeping it?"

She bowed her head sighing. "I know you mightn't want to see this right now, but look…" She held up a printed picture of a seven week old fetus. "It's just…not nothing anymore. You can see fingers. Yes, they're a bit ET-like but they're there. I just can't get rid of it; it's mine. It's growing inside of me. And I have the means now…"

"But Peyton, don't you get it? It's not just yours, it's _his_ too! If you weren't before, you're _now_ connected with him forever. How…I…"

"Taylor…"

"I need to get some air."

x

Still sitting on her couch, Peyton reflected on today. If you had told her three months ago she'd be having a baby and that Lucas would be the father, she'd have been jumping with joy. That was until she realized he wasn't the good, caring guy of the past anymore. Until she realized she had lost her self-esteem over him. Now that she had gained it back and was also starting to fall in love with someone else, she finds out that damned Scott super-sperm did it again.

She immediately ran towards the door when she heard knocking. It was Taylor; she was pleasantly surprised he had come back. "Peyton, we have to talk."

She didn't say a thing but turned around and they went to sit around her coffee table, in different seats. "Tell me about Lucas," he demanded. "Everything."

Biting her bottom lip, she nodded and told everything from A to Z. From him fixing her comet to him writing about her comet. Or simply about her. Then she told him about what changed her mind about him, the crash, and the night of impulsive sex.

He was silent for a long time after that. "I'm not outright opposed to be with a pregnant woman," he told her. "No wait, scratch that. I'm not outright opposed to be with _you_ pregnant." He paused. "But …I read his books-"

"No, why would you do that?" she sighed.

"I can understand why that Lindsey girl ran."

"Pff…"

"Peyton, I know you say you aren't going back and I believe you, but he just basically admitted to the world you're what he wants. He'll show back up, he'll pursue you and he'll want to be a family with you. It's why he proposed to you in the first place, he isn't going to let that go, especially not during the pregnancy," he spoke logically. "_I_ wouldn't let you go, especially not while you're carrying my child. No man who still feels that way about a woman the way he does about you would. And I can't deal with that."

"So what are you saying…?"

"We can't do…_this_. You know how I feel about you but still I can't be with you romantically. I do want to be there for you as a friend. It's not going to be easy for me but I want to help you; you shouldn't do this alone. I'm just glad we didn't stand any further, that we only had a couple of dates or I probably would've never been able to look at you again. I know that might sound h-"

She shook her head with tears in her eyes. "No. I meant it with you too, you know? I could really see us being together. If you had pulled something like this –I mean I know you can't pregnant but you know what I mean and…What I'm trying to say is that I'm just so sorry. You don't deserve this."

"Well," he sighed. "You told me you were a really bad catch. At least you weren't lying."

She was briefly shocked but then poked him with her elbow. "Hey…"

He smiled at her with masked sadness. There wasn't any use in being angry or burst into tears; she was pregnant and that wasn't going to change anytime soon so he'd better be supportive instead of shunning her. "So when are you going to tell him?"

"Never."

"Seriously, Peyton."

"Seriously? You know we're going to New York next week to check out Beta Clones?"

"Hm."

"Yeah, well, he's there for a book signing. I'll contact him."

x

It had taken her two days before she had been able to gather her courage and call him to make an appointment. Yes, she called it an appointment because she was going to keep this as informal as possible: she'd tell him she's pregnant, that she isn't going to go back to Tree Hill earlier for that and that despite the fact that she doesn't exactly enjoy his company, she'd allow him to see the baby once it was born because that was the right thing to do.

"Are you going to be alright?" Taylor asked. Though they had gone back to just being friends, it was obvious he was still in love with her. Every chance he got, he was touching her hand or giving her a kiss on the cheek or head.

"I am."

He nodded, placed a kiss on the back of her hand and left her alone so that she could make the call. She held the phone at her ear, the dialing tone only making her more nervous.

"Lucas Scott," she then heard.

After a couple of seconds of silence he began to repeat 'hello?' until she dared to open her mouth. "It's Peyton," she spoke. "We, huh…We need to talk."

"O-O-OK…I-" He simply couldn't believe she was talking to him out of her own free will; it confused him and got him excited at the same time.

"Not now. Next week, in New York."

"Y- You're going there? For wh-"

"Doesn't matter. I'm going there, you're going there and I need to talk to you."

"Sure," he said immediately. "Give me a time and place."

* * *

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So tell me what you think guys! I know the pregnancy storyline is done a lot but I hope to give my own twist to it. ;)

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	5. Keep On Falling

**A/N**: Thanks for the reviews, the response to this story has been great and it just makes me glad I see people like it. :)

Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

5. Keep On Falling

Like Lucas had come with her when she had first met her brother, who had turned out to be a psychotic stalker, Taylor would now stay one step behind her as she'd go to the restaurant to meet Lucas later. He had insisted since he was worried about her emotional stability when it came to Lucas. The last thing he wanted was for her to start screaming or crying in public.

Right now, though, Peyton was at his book signing. It had been stronger than herself. She wasn't going up to him nor would she somehow make her presence known but something in her still felt proud of him. She had known him for so long and was despite everything glad his dream to be a novelist had come true. She didn't wish him bad; she just couldn't get close to him for her own sake.

She saw Lindsey was there, in the background. It made her heart feel heavy but she stayed where she was, looking at him from behind a bookcase.

"So did the comet come back?" a girl asked as he signed the book.

Lindsey looked the other direction, this being much harder than she had anticipated. Lucas threw her a cautionary look as he, in a sober state, still felt incredibly awkward talking or even thinking about Peyton. "Huh, I guess it did…" he whispered. "But it left again."

"I'm sorry."

He nodded, acknowledging her sympathy. He gave the book back and briefly looked away from the crowd to unexpectedly lock eyes with a pair of hazels. She immediately backed away, turned around and left. It took all he had in that moment not to desert the mass and just run outside, after her. The thought that he'd talk to her later eventually stopped him from leaving his seat.

To Lindsey's annoyance, Lucas was distraught the rest of the time. She was living a much easier, carefree and simply more enjoyable life since she and Lucas had put a final point after their relationship but that didn't mean she had to go shake with pompoms now that he had lost the strength and willpower to hide what he truly felt about Peyton.

x

'Nervous' wasn't the right word to express what Peyton was experiencing right now. It was more than that; in fact the pressure on her felt like it could cause a heart attack. When she all of a sudden saw him standing at the arrival, she almost dropped her glass that she hadn't been able to leave alone for the past ten minutes, to the floor. She didn't understand how this could be so nerve-wrecking. People had babies all the time and it didn't necessarily mean they are in a relationship. They were no different. They'd both raise the child –if he wanted-, only separately. No panic was needed.

"Hey," he almost inaudibly greeted.

She looked down at her plate. "Hey."

So far, so good, he thought. "I…I saw you at the book signing. I was so gl-"

"I'm not here to do small talk, Lucas." That, and she wasn't exactly keen on telling him she cared about how he was doing.

"Of course," he nodded albeit disappointed.

"I went to the doctor's Friday."

He frowned worried. "Is there something wrong? Are you sick?"

"No, I'm not sick," she snapped.

She scowled at him but all he noticed is how she was glowing. It wasn't something he noticed because he loved her, it was just so, even with the very business like outfit -black heels, skirt and white blouse- she had on.

"I'm pregnant," she quickly threw the words out of her mouth.

"What?" he asked with dropped jaw, a broken expression on his face. Then he frowned angrily. "You're something alright. You wanted to meet up here to tell me you're pregnant with some guy's baby?"

His reaction was impulsive but lately he had truly believed she had found her Prince Charming in Taylor, wanted to marry him, have his babies and live happily ever after. _Him _she had just invited here to take pleasure in the devastated look on his face. It was the same devastation that had been splattered across Peyton's face when Lindsey had showed her ring that night.

"Some guy? I-" Peyton began confused but was cut off.

"That Taylor-"

"Shut up, you idiot," she hissed irritated. She couldn't believe he thought she was expecting a child with a guy she had known for two months. "It's yours."

There time stopped for him and he didn't hear the next words she spoke which were 'Unfortunately. Me and him…We've never had sex'. All he had heard was that Peyton was having his child. They were going to have a little baby together. "It's mine…?" he asked touched.

Without thinking about it, he reached for her hand which she immediately pulled back from the table, shooting him a death glare in the process. At once his face dropped and he couldn't help but put up a defense mechanism. He felt embarrassed that she had pulled her hand away: he wanted to share joy with her while she just seemed to think of this lunch as a formality. He took a moment to get himself together.

"If you hate me that much," he couldn't help but speak bitterly "then why are you keeping it?"

"Yes, and that's what I came to tell you," she replied practically. "I'll love this baby with all my heart but it certainly isn't any reference to you. You can see it once it's born, I won't keep him or her away from you but the contact between us _will_ be limited to the bare minimum."

He sighed in desperation. Though he might be hurting now he saw she was too, underneath this mask. However, for the first time in his life he didn't have any clue how to break through her wall. "Don't be so cold, Peyt…" he pleaded. "I don't get it. A couple of months ago you were st-"

"I made an ass out of myself," she cut him off. "So I really don't want to be reminded."

"But you didn't," he objected. "I did love you too, I just couldn't go back. You broke my h-"

"So you had to break mine so much worse?!" she spat out. He bowed his head as she took a deep breath, calming down. "But that's in the past. Things have changed now. I won't make any mistakes concerning you again."

"I know I haven't been who I once was in a while but I'm trying to be again. If we're having a baby… I mean, when I saw myself in the future with children, you were always there, beside me. I want you to please give me another chance. Give me another chance so that we can raise this baby _together_."

"You saw me there MY ASS, you saw _Lindsey_ there."

"I was WRONG! I love _you_, I want _you_. Don't you get it? You're all I think about ALL DAY. I can't handle it and you being so cold makes it all the worse."

"Now you know how it feels," she said simply. "And like you didn't care, I don't do either."

"You think I didn't care?" he asked. "It was a daily strug-"

"I'm off now," she cut him off, grabbing her purse.

"What about the hospital visits and so on?" he asked before she could stand up, desperate to keep her here for a little while more.

"Those are things you experience as a couple and that we are not."

"You ...can't do this to me."

"What? I think I'm being very fair! I called you two days after I found out so that we could meet, I could tell you and we could discuss. I could've kept it a secret too, you know."

"It isn't about that! You know I love you! You know it and you know how much it means to me to be expecting a baby with you. It's all I ever wanted. How can you deny me ...you?"

"What?" she asked heated. "How could _you?_!? How CAN you say this to me _now_?" she then retorted. "I hate this double standard you're imposing on me!! I DON'T LIVE TO PLEASE LUCAS SCOTT." She was losing it and immediately Taylor whispered something behind her upon which she whispered back she _was_ calm.

"Is that him?" Lucas asked. "That's just great Peyton."

"Hey!" she let out. "You don't give me that look. Like it or not, he has been there for me, supporting me and I need him now. I had to bring him _here_ too because now that I'm pregnant, I have the tendency to turn into a Greek fury when things don't go my way. And you NEVER let things go my way. You should be glad; he's making sure I don't get too riled up and slap you or something."

"Turn around," Lucas called him. "Actually join us."

"Lucassssssssssssss…"

"It's alright," Taylor replied, not scared or embarrassed at all.

Lucas was shortly taken aback by his good looks, even as a one-hundred percent hetero man. Many considered him to be good-looking, hot and handsome but this guy was in a league of his own. He soon forgot about that though and gazed at him hatefully. "So how did you two meet? First date?"

"Taylor, let's g-"

But Peyton's request was cut off by a flattened hand in front of her face. "No. We met at the office," he replied. "It took me a bit of trouble but I got her to go out with me. We kissed the second date and we we're just about to become serious when she discovered you got her pregnant the night you just didn't rape h-"

Lucas clenched his jaw. "I never-"

"I said 'just didn't'. You got to listen, book boy genius."

Peyton bowed her head, pinching the bridge of her nose in exasperation.

"Anyways," Taylor continued. "Now we're just friends. I'm standing by her, comforting her when she's crying over being pregnant with _your _baby for the hundredth time. Personally I suspect she'd rather have a child with Charles and-or Marylin Manson than with you. But fate, damned fate, decided a heartless asshole like you had to be the father."

"Taylor…" Peyton called him warning seeing Lucas' nostrils go up and down; it was the perfect indicator for his anger. Taylor couldn't know but Peyton knew this boy better than herself and felt he was about to boil over.

"If it weren't for Peyton being the mother," he nonetheless talked further. "I would feel truly sorry for this child with such a selfish, dependant, spiteful guy like you as the father."

"Luke, calm down," Peyton ordered now seeing his head turn a beet-like color.

"He should shut his mouth," Lucas hissed through clenched teeth.

"He should," she agreed with him for the first time in months. She turned her head towards Taylor. "Please? Let's just go?"

"Fine," he bit.

They both stood up and put their shades on. To Lucas that little detail made this seem all the more cold and distant. He was becoming a dad but he didn't feel happy at all. Yes, he knew he was going to love this baby from the bottom of his heart but without Peyton there was no true joy. He couldn't believe she hadn't even let him touch her hand.

"I'll see you in four months," she told him. "I'll ask the doctor if he can pass on the medical stuff to you. Like ultrasound pictures and stuff. This is his number if you want to call him."

She pulled her doctor's card out of her purse and laid it on Lucas' table before walking away. Taylor, however, remained standing for a couple more seconds, looking down at Lucas. "Enjoy your meal."

"Taylor!" Peyton cried appalled. "Here."

Then he left Lucas' table. Peyton in the meanwhile already stood back on the street, waiting for him. When he came outside she furrowed her brows angrily at him before opening the door of the limo and stepping inside. He followed her as he slightly rolled his eyes.

"What did I do wrong?" he asked as the limousine began driving back to their hotel.

"I TOLD you about his father complex."

"Why should I care?"

"Because _I_ do!" she replied. "Yeah, he screwed up big time with me but Luke... I think he has wanted to be a father since he was six or something and didn't even know where babies came from. He adores children and was always so sure he'd be a great father. I believe that too. He's just an asshole when it comes to love but gosh, I wouldn't rather have a baby with Charles Manson than with him. That was out of line."

"No, that was a joke."

"Nobody laughed."

"Alright," he sighed. "I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

"You were an ass in there!"

"I care about you, Peyton and I'm protective of you, which is no wonder since I see how you react to him and how much he hurt you."

"Please not that again."

"You're still in love with him," he simply stated.

"Yes, well you don't just switch feelings as strong as the ones I have for him off. As much as I'd like to. It's something I have to live with." She paused. "You know, this is difficult for me and you putting him down and saying nasty things only reminds me of the fact that I'll never be able to let go completely because at those moments, I just want to hug him. I don't like that feeling of wanting to hug Lucas, alright?"

"Yes," he replied reluctantly.

"OK, then. Let's move on from that drama. I hate arguing with you."

"Me too. Especially where it concerns him."

Peyton let out a low groan. Then they went silent, deciding to let things rest after all. Peyton grabbed her agenda to check some stuff when she noticed Taylor smiling at the ceiling of the limousine.

"What is it now?"

"You saw how impressed he was with my looks?"

She was speechless for a short moment. "Oh, shut up."

x

"How was the Big Apple?" Haley asked cheerfully as she saw her brother-in-law enter her kitchen. Everyone was there: Nathan, Jamie and Brooke. "And your Peyton lunch date?" she added when he didn't immediately reply. She gazed at him with a kinked eyebrow when he still kept his mouth shut. "Earth to Lucas!" She shortly waved her hand in front of his eyes.

"Peyton is pregnant," he finally said.

"What? My P. Sawyer is pregnant and she didn't tell me?" Brooke asked displeased.

"Oh man," Nathan gasped out. "Uhm…" he then furrowed his brows. "Who's the father?"

"That's what I'd like to know too," Haley said putting her fist in her side.

Lucas didn't say a word though all eyes were on him.

"Wait, I found something," Brooke then said. "While I was changing her bed sheets. I never saw it before and I meant to ask her if it was some guy's but kept on forgetting with all that happened with Angie." She grabbed her purse, took her wallet and pulled out a golden necklace, of which the lock was broken. "I guess this must be the father's." She gave Lucas a death glare when he looked up curiously. "Recognize it?"

Haley walked over to Brooke and took the necklace out of her hand as Lucas just watched everything happen silently. "Luke," Haley then turned towards him baffled. "It's your Keith necklace."

He knew he had lost it but he hadn't known where. It had truly crushed him since that necklace was one of the first things he remembered from his childhood, touching it when Keith picked him up as a baby. He had only recently started wearing it, keeping it safely in his wallet before and with reason now it seems. He took the necklace out of Haley's palm, gazed down at it relieved and slipped it in his pocket.

"Jamie, go upstairs please," Nathan then ordered. The boy nodded quickly hearing his father's serious tone and went to play with Chester.

"What do you got to say for yourself?" Brooke asked when her godson was out of sight.

"We had sex," he replied sheepishly.

"No, really?" Haley let out sarcastically. "I could've never guessed."

"When?" Nathan asked confused.

"The night of her goodbye dinner."

Brooke and Nathan kept gazing at him sheepishly while Haley plumped herself down on one of the kitchen chairs and sighed. "How the hell did that happen?"

"I was drunk and she was too."

"Peyton was _not_ drunk enough to just jump in bed with you. She was tipsy, yes, but not completely sloshed," Haley remembered.

"Did you hassle her again?" Brooke demanded to know.

He shot her an annoyed look.

"WELL DID YOU?"

"YES, OK?!" he let out irritated. "I just didn't know what to do with my feelings for her because it seems like every choice I make is the wrong one. I try to move on with Lindsey, people tell me not to marry her because of _Peyton_. When I finally admit I love her more than anything and try to make things right, I get no emotion whatsoever anymore out of her. Not even a kind _look_. So yeah, that lays a pressure on my common sense. It seems that whatever I do, I lose."

"You didn't," Nathan began hesitantly. "…you know…"

"No, oh my God!" he cried. "I would never hurt her like that! She gave in."

"How?" his brother asked genuinely wondering how the hell he got Peyton the way she had been those past months towards him, in bed.

"No. This was all I'm saying about that," he said firmly. "You perverts wanting to know the details of my sex life… Point is that I'm having a baby and I should be happy, I had always expected to feel overjoyed when I'd hear I'd become a father but I'm not. I need her too. I want her. But…"

"But what? If you want her, go get her."

"No, I can't."

"Why not?" Brooke asked appalled. "You flew to New York with a private jet for Lindsey!"

"Because I can't stand being rejected by her!" he bit. "It's easier to pursue something you know…"

"…You know can't hurt you as much," Haley finished and sighed. "Maybe you guys should give him a break," she suggested. "He just found out he's going to be a father but the mother of the baby doesn't want him. That's rough."

"Thanks Hales."

"I need to call her," Brooke said, gazing at Lucas angrily. "You know, she was really determined to make something out of her life. But you just had to go and impregnate her, didn't you?"

"Brooke…" Haley tried to stand up for her friend once again. "He-"

"I know you've always been scared of what you feel for her but at the same time you always chose to remain scared instead of taking risks," she cut Haley off and continued doing her say to Lucas. "Everyone _always_ has to make the decisions for you because you're too cowardly. Me. Lindsey. What happened now is that she was tired of waiting and t-"

"I KNOW!" he yelled. "I screwed up. But don't you see what I mean when I say whatever I do is wrong? Perhaps I should get over my anxiety and go to LA, yes, but on the other hand she's only bothered by my presence. So why should I lay stress on her?" He sighed. "Besides…"

"What?"

"I've got the feeling that as soon as she gave birth she'll try to be something more with Taylor again." He swallowed thickly. "I can see she trusts him, that she likes him, a lot."

"But he's not you," Haley reassured him. "She'll see that. However, maybe you should…"

"Should what?"

"Let her be. I mean, sure you can call her to ask about her pregnancy and to let her know you care but… No Lindsey stunts. If you truly love her, you'll be patient. Let her go and see if she comes back, if she eventually does choose to spend her life with you. You just got to have faith. Like she once had faith in you."

x

Four months flew by for Peyton as she kept working hard as ever: nothing, even not a pregnancy, prevented her from building an empire baby step by baby step. She had hired a bunch of new, highly skilled staff for her office in LA _and_ the one her and Taylor had just purchased in New York. The more bases, the better. While she'd continue to buy buildings and expand her label, she personally would be running it from Tree Hill now.

Right now she sat on the plane back to her hometown with Taylor who had become the best friend one can imagine to her. Peyton felt Tree Hill was the perfect environment to raise a child: a lot of nature, the coziness of a small village and not to forget the little yet charming record stores. What she had worried about most coming back to Tree Hill was naturally _Lucas_, but about two months ago they had had a reassuring conversation.

_"Luke? It's Peyton here."_

_"Hey," he greeted. "How are you?" He figured she wanted to talk about the medical side of her pregnancy as she only contacted him about that. "I got another ultrasound picture yesterday; he -or she- is getting big."_

_"I know," she replied. "I can feel it. You didn't look at the sex?"_

_"I wanted it to be a surprise…" he said in such a tone it broke Peyton's heart a little. She hated to admit it but he sounded like if he thought that if the child she was carrying wasn't there, his life was sort of pointless._

_"Me too," she replied softly. _

_He felt tears welling up in his eyes, unaware that she, in LA, was almost crying too._

_"I still wished I could be there," he let out suppressing his tears. _

_She breathed in deeply._

_"Is Taylor there for you?" he changed the subject._

_"He is," she confirmed and was glad the conversation took this turn. "He's been amazing."_

_"I'm glad to hear that." Though naturally he would've wanted him to stand by her, he had realized the want didn't come from both sides and he was just happy to know there was someone else who cared about her and looked out for her. _

_"Lucas…" she then decided to get to the point. "I'm coming back to Tree Hill soon and I think we should maybe try to not explode in anger every time we're near each other."_

_"You mean you should try not to explode in anger," he couldn't help but point out._

_"LUKE!"_

_"See?"_

_"Alright," she admitted she was the one usually being angry with him. "I just wanted to say I'm going to be civil with you from now on. Maybe we can indeed even try to be friends-"_

_"Peyton, that would be great…" he said happily. Friendship wasn't exactly what he wanted but you can't always get what you want, sometimes you have to settle for less. "Wait…" he then slowly said. "What's the catch?"_

_"I want you to be nice to Taylor."_

_"He's a mean man," Lucas immediately said._

_"He just doesn't want me to get hurt and you-"_

_"I know, Peyton. But that conversation… He was downright cruel."_

_"I told him I didn't appreciate that and he understands."_

_"Hmm…" he let out, not persuaded at all._

_"Taylor!" Peyton then cried. "TAYLOR."_

_"What's up, crazy woman?" Taylor asked stepping into her office. He had heard her yelling from the other end of the hall. _

_"I was too lazy to ask someone to send you," she answered simply. "I want you to apologize to Lucas."_

_"Excuse me?"_

_She covered the phone with her hand. "Taylor, please. You're the most important person in my life right now and whether you like it or not, whether I like it or not, he's the father of my baby. Even if the interaction is almost non-existent, it's going to be there and I don't want a repeat of that stressful lunch every time you two see each other. Now you were in the wrong being so verbally aggressive. Apologize. Please."_

_"I cannot believe this," he muttered taking the phone out of her hand. "Hello?" Taylor then let out. "Is this Bigfoot?" Lucas rolled his eyes and let out an annoyed groan. He still didn't quite understand why Peyton liked him: he was incredibly arrogant and made a mockery out of everything. "Chewbecca? The Abominable Snowman?"_

_"Taylor!" Peyton firmly spoke. "Be serious please."_

_"Alright," he gave in. "I'm sorry. I don't know you and I shouldn't have been so mean." He pulled the phone away from his ear. "Happy?"_

_She nodded. Before he could give the phone back, Lucas spoke. "How is she?"_

_"Huh…" he looked at Peyton. "I'm just going to…" he pointed towards the hall upon which Peyton gazed like a bomb was going off behind him. Before she had the chance to ask what the hell was going on, Taylor had left her office._

_"She's Peyton," he answered. "She's tough."_

_"I know, that's why I'm asking you. She won't tell me anything except that she's fine."_

_"Well, she** is** fine. I tell her to slow it down but she keeps running everywhere to discover and sign new bands." He then faintly curled his lips into a smile. "She's using her pregnancy to get better deals too."_

_"What?" Lucas smiled. _

_"Yeah, when a negotiation doesn't go her way she starts crying. It's very unprofessional but the artists do cave. Mostly. I mean, who wants to be the one to make a pregnant woman cry?"_

_He chuckled. "That's so wrong."_

_"There are days that she's **truly** unhappy too, though."_

_"Huh…Because of…"_

_"You, yes," Taylor replied simply._

_"I know this doesn't mean anything now…" he began. He wanted to open up a bit to this guy so he could see he wasn't the devil but just a flawed guy who loved Peyton more than anything. He wanted to earn his trust. "But I never meant to hurt her that deeply. I did and I blame myself every day. All I ever wanted was to be with her and when I thought she didn't want the same, I made some wrong decisions along the way that will –without sounding to dramatic- haunt me forever. I… think I'll never be happy again. But if she is, that kind of makes up for it. So that's what I want, for her to be happy."_

_He sounded sincere and Taylor heaved a deep sigh. He could tell he loved Peyton more than anything but that didn't make all the shit he pulled right. "I still don't like you, you know?" he simply replied. That was also because thought he didn't show it, he nonetheless still was in love with Peyton. "I just don't like you at all."_

_"Are you in love with her?"_

_"I don't have to answer that."_

_"You just did."_

_The next thing Lucas heard was the dialing tone._

Peyton turned her head at Taylor, feeling relieved he had wanted to come to Tree Hill with her. She wanted and needed him with her as he had been the one putting up with her mood swings and her cravings for odd food these past months. It was amazing what he did for her, even partially giving up his social life. Of course his habit of picking up girls had returned but Peyton didn't care, as long as he stayed this warm and caring towards her and didn't catch any STD's.

Soon they landed in Tree Hill. They went to pick up their luggage, puffing away at the unbearable heat that had taken over the town. Contrary to the black, kind of intimidating clothes Peyton usually wore for work, she now had a red, low-cut empire waist dress on that reached until her ankles. Her hair was up in a messy but still beautiful bun and she looked like some Greek goddess, only pregnant and with bright rosy cheeks from the heath.

As she rolled her suitcase to the exit, she heard a raspy voice cut the air in two. Brooke Davis of course. Before she knew it, the brunette jumped in front of her. Seeing Peyton, Brooke couldn't help but tear up. "P…You're the most beautiful pregnant woman I've ever seen." They had met a couple of times in LA but now she was over _six_ months pregnant and simply getting truly big. "And you're breasts are as big as mine, it's a miracle!"

"Thanks," Peyton chuckled as Brooke's attention already shifted, to Taylor.

"And you're just the most beautiful…man…ever."

"I know."

Brooke kinked her eyebrow upon which Peyton shrugged; Taylor knew he was good-looking and didn't bother hiding himself behind humility.

"Peyton!"

There was Haley, Nathan and Jamie who hugged her, wrapping their arms around her the most they could. "Wow, you look gorgeous…" Haley then let out as she pulled back. "Pregnancy really suits you." Her eyes then caught the sight of Taylor and her jaw almost dropped to the floor. "Heh…You are…"

"Taylor DeWitt."

"You are…" She shook her head mesmerized.

"Haley!" Nathan complained. "Husband of six years standing next to you."

"Sorry."

After another couple of moment wherein they all said how glad they were she was back, they all walked to the car as Haley had to answer a million of Jamie's questions. 'How did Peyton's baby get there?', 'How was it going to get out?', 'How did it eat?', 'If uncle Luke was its daddy then why weren't him and Peyton together?'. She tried to answer ever question the best way she could, which was sometimes still not enough for her son.

When Lucas saw her exiting the airport and stepping his way, his world stopped turning. She looked breathtakingly beautiful. Because she was naturally _and_ because she was carrying his baby. No one could take that away from him.

As she saw him he noticed her stopping her tread for less than a second before getting herself together and stepping further. When she had reached him she stood still in front of him a moment, letting go of her suitcase. She felt the sadness yet also the calmness and love radiating from him and smiled slightly, sorrowful about everything that happened. They could've been standing here as husband and wife if it hadn't been for the screwed up paths they had chosen.

Lucas knew she still resented him for a bunch of things he'd rather forget but seeing her the way she was, glowing beautifully with her long red dress that showed her bump, he momentarily didn't care. To her surprise he slid an arm around her waist, pulled her closer so that he could really feel her expanded tummy and kissed her temple. "Welcome home," he said and then simply pulled back.

She lifted her suitcase, pushed it in his arms and despite her pregnant state, sprinted in the car. Taylor had to suppress rolling his eyes and put on his shades. Five seconds in this farmers' hole and he already had her biting her nails.

Haley, who was sitting in front, had seen Taylor's annoyance. She thought this situation was truly interesting: Taylor believed he could never rise above Lucas where it concerned Peyton whereas Lucas was convinced of the fact Taylor hadn't only risen above him but had already reaching the sun so to speak.

"That was really subtle," Nathan in the meanwhile said outside, by the trunk.

"I just said 'welcome back'."

"You meant 'I want you back'."

"That isn't what I said."

"It's what you thought inside."

"Well my thoughts are the only thing I still have right now that matters."

He sighed. "Just be careful, alright? You're my big brother and I love you but if you do anything to hurt her again, it won't only be Taylor defending her."

Lucas nodded as he put the last suitcase in the trunk. "Let's go home."

x

A week had passed since she had returned to Tree Hill. Peyton didn't live with Brooke anymore but had bought a house for herself with the considerable amount of money she had earned these last months. It was as beautiful as Brooke's house, and as big. Taylor would stay there with her too until he'd return to LA. At least, him going back to LA was the plan, but Peyton wanted to keep him here in Tree Hill because despite the fact they had been acting like friends these past months, that spark between them hadn't left.

Her and Taylor had talked about the possibility before, about how maybe they could slowly grow towards something more again after the baby was born and Lucas wouldn't be in the picture anymore. They weren't at all decided about what they were going to do but Peyton did have her mind set on being with him. She knew he was uncertain about that because of the baby but nonetheless, he kept telling her she was the first person he ever fell in love with and that the pregnancy didn't change that.

Right now, though, they _both_ realized he could try and get together but once the child was there, this rather unfortunate situation would turn very practical: visits, alimony… Everything would be set in stone in a contract and the face-to-face contact could be very minimal.

Tonight, Haley had invited everyone for a barbecue at her place and consequently everyone was there, also Lucas and Peyton who had again promised to be polite and calm to each other, which was becoming easier every day. Because Haley had suggested, Peyton had already come in the afternoon with Taylor to have a drink and relax by the pool under a parasol. Doing exactly that, she sipped her orange juice and then lazily laid herself down again, subtly adjusting her coral-blue bikini in the process.

"Peyton," Taylor called her with disapproval in his voice. "Shouldn't you take a swim or something?" Back in LA, the doctor had told her swimming is one of the best forms of exercise during pregnancy. It's supposed to relax mother and unborn child, make the delivery easier and help get your body back in shape faster afterwards. "It's been a week."

Peyton heaved a sigh knowing he was right; she should continue her exercise and it was past four o'clock now so the heaviest sun was gone. "OK, can I have the sun crème please?"

Haley ordered Jamie to go give it to her and so he came running her way. Reaching her he couldn't stop gazing at her tummy. He was convinced of the fact she could probably rest her glass on it. Peyton applied the crème to her arms, legs and face. As she wanted to also rub it on her tummy, Jamie hopefully asked if he could do it.

Peyton nodded. The little boy put two dots above her navel and a bowed line under it, making it look like there was a smiling face on her tummy as Peyton stared down amused. When Jamie started to rub it across her tummy he suddenly pulled his hand back, looking at his parents with wide eyes. "It kicked!" he cried. Hastily he put his hand back and felt it again.

"It kicks all the time," Peyton nodded. "The doctor said it was an exceptionally active baby," she then told Haley and Nathan not without proud. "You sometimes keep me awake at night, don't you?" she now talked to her tummy. She had always found it daft when people did that but now that she was pregnant she did it quite a lot herself. Sometimes she had whole conversations with her baby while watching an emotional film by herself or something.

When she was sure her skin had absorbed the crème completely, she slowly descended in the pool and sighed contently feeling the cold water take her in. She wondered why she hadn't come in sooner instead of laying by the pool puffing away. The swim was refreshing, but after a half an hour she did decide to go out.

"You can shower here if you want," Haley suggested.

"Really? That'd be great," she accepted not in the mood to go back home for just twenty minutes.

She wrapped a white pareo around her body and stepped through the backdoor, closing her eyes as she ran her hand through her slowly drying curls. When she opened them again, she almost bumped into a tall broad-shouldered figure that she knew all too well. "Lucas, please," she sighed out. "I almost had a heart-attack."

He didn't reply but just stared at her from top to toe. She had never been more beautiful to him as she was now, carrying his baby. Looking was also something he could still do, he felt. He wasn't doing anything wrong with that.

"Stop staring," she blushed.

"Why? You're-"

"Big. I'm big."

"I actually meant to say you're gorgeous," he answered instead. She bowed her head at once and he looked down too, feeling he had crossed the line. "I'm sorry, Peyton, I shouldn't have said that…"

The awkwardness was broken by a firm kick of her baby. She was slightly surprised and put her hand on her tummy with wide eyes. "Ouch," she complained.

She didn't just _feel_ it, but actually _saw_ it, which was a first. Her bump shortly showed another tiny one and Lucas gazed at it in awe, as did Peyton herself. The baby then kicked again, at another place. She saw Lucas wanted to ask if he could touch but didn't dare to. Not quite knowing what came over her she grabbed his hand and laid it on her tummy. He smiled down looking at his hand that felt his baby's foot.

"This is the first time it kicks this hard," she let him know.

He gazed up at her feeling like a little boy who had been forgiven after stealing a cookie. Not only did he see their baby move but for the first time, he also felt they could become friends. "Peyt…I…" He wanted to say he was still in love with her; he wanted to fall on his knees and beg her to please rethink her decision to never go back. He just wanted her. He wanted what he had since he was sixteen: to marry her and raise their children together.

But he didn't say at thing.

Lindsey had happened, the almost marriage had happened and she didn't believe in his love anymore so instead, he gazed at her wondering once again how he could've been such a coward, living in denial and insecurities, professing his love for another woman simply because he was scared of what Peyton could do to him. It must've been horrible to her but he felt the punishment he got –whether she intended it to be a punishment or no- was at the same level, killing him inside.

"I'm going to go shower," she then said, still feeling happy she had seen her baby kick for the first time. He retracted his hand and watched her go. "I'll see you in a bit."

x

The barbecue had been going on for a couple of hours now. In fact, they were already at dessert and after the first discomfort and awkwardness between Lucas, Peyton, Taylor and the seating arrangements, things had become a lot more relaxed.

"She gets hit on the _entire_ time," Taylor said.

"Yes!" Peyton let out surprised. "I don't get it. Don't they see I'm pregnant? Perverts."

"When Hales was pregnant, it was the same," Nathan nodded. "I asked one of my friends why it is that some guys are so attracted to pregnant women."

"And?"

"One, the deed is already done, you can't get pregnant anymore."

"That's disgusting!"

"Two, bigger boobs. Three, possibility of no condoms. Four, higher sex drive and five…"

"What's five?" Peyton asked curiously when he didn't continue.

"The sex is just a hundred times better. And I can confirm that."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah," Haley nodded. "Just mind-blowing."

Peyton leaned back intrigued. She wished she could've sex with somebody as indeed her hormones were raging. Brooke had told her they were going to an erotic shop tomorrow though to get some toys for her. She was hesitant but she also knew she needed to let all the sexual tension in her body out in some way.

The conversation progressed from sex to Sex and the City to Peyton's eating habits now that she was expecting. "Pickles with whipped cream," Taylor informed since she refused to tell. "Lemon cookies with ketchup and oh yeah, potato chips with chocolate sauce."

"Hey!" Nathan let out. "Hales-"

"I LOVED potato chips with chocolate sauce!" she cried and raised her hand. Peyton grinned and gave Haley a high five as Taylor and Nathan shared surprised looks and Brooke laughed.

Lucas felt like the fifth, well _sixth_, wheel. He didn't enjoy this dinner nor did he have any pregnancy stories to tell though this was _his_ child. He simply knew nothing about what weird things she loved to eat now or the eyebrow-raising mood swings she had. What bothered him even more was the way Taylor and Peyton interacted. Occasionally they stole moments just for themselves where he'd whisper something in her ear, she'd run her fingers through his hair absently or he'd rub her hand with his thumb softly.

Their line between friendship and love was so clouded it made Lucas sick to his stomach. Everyone was laughing but he felt like bursting into tears. When Taylor started talking about the time she threw a stapler against the wall because a member of her staff hadn't gotten her the fruit juice she wanted, everyone roared in laughter once more.

He couldn't take it anymore. "Excuse me," he let out and put his napkin on his plate to stand up and disappear inside.

The laughing stopped at once. They felt something was off and stared at each other uncomfortably. "I'm going to-" Haley began but was cut off.

"I'll go," Peyton cut her off.

She rose from her chair and walked into the living room, which was so dark you couldn't see a thing. She didn't want to turn the light on, though; somehow she felt he didn't want to be exposed. Over the months she realized he had seen his mistakes and she knew now it hurt him he couldn't be a part of her life and their child's life more. However, it wasn't her but still _his_ fault that they weren't going to be more than friends and regret didn't change that.

Once she had found the couch, she sat herself down next to him. He looked up at her and only because of the moonlight falling through the window she could see his glazy eyes and the moist of tears glistening on his cheeks.

"Don't cry, Luke…I can't stand to see you cry," she said and felt tears welling up in her eyes herself. It was both pregnancy hormones and simply the fact she had never been quite able to see Lucas cry no matter what he had or hadn't done. "I'm here now, you'll be a part of its life more, I promise."

"You love him? Taylor?"

"I do," she replied torn.

"You want to be with him?"

She bowed her head. "Yes. He's good to me."

"I can be good to you too…"

She shook her head slowly. "I don't believe you."

In a sudden movement, Lucas took her head between his hands. "I can, I promise. I love you, Peyton. I know I hurt you with Lindsey but I never loved her like I loved you. I mean, I tried but I didn't and everything I did to prove I loved her more came back to hit me like a boomerang. I love you…" he said still crying.

She shook her head once more, a tad faster.

"Why can't you believe that?" he asked. "I love you, I love you, I love you…" He kept repeating it like a mantra. She began sobbing and the tears rolled off her cheeks, on his hand. "Peyton… You're everything to me, _please…_ Give me another chance…"

"No…I'm waiting for him."

He slowly let go off her face. "Outside?" he asked knowing better.

"No, Lucas, in life," she let out. "I love him."

"And you don't love me?"

She began to cry and took a deep breath. "I do, but I don't trust you."

He shortly looked down hurt.

"I do trust _him_," she continued. "I trust to be good to me and to not break my heart. He's a wonderful person." She shortly rubbed her forehead, breaking inside as she spoke these words to him. "And he makes me feel loved again."

"I'm so sorry…" he tried again, complete desperation sounding from his voice. "I know I didn't make you feel loved but I know I can again, now. You just have to allow me to show it."

"Look," she then spoke firmer, hiding her sadness. "'Sorry' didn't cut it a year ago and it doesn't know. And I know you're not a bad person, but where it concerns me I think you are. You treated me in a way…No one should be treated." She paused briefly. "I…I won't ever forget that."

"But can't you try?"

"No! Don't you get it?!" she let out overcome by emotions. "You didn't just break my heart, but you broke me!"

"Peyton, I need you…"

"No, we'll be friends," she now began laying down the rules. "And we'll do co-parenting. If you don't agree with those two things, we're NOTHING. If you try to be more than just friends again, then we will also be _nothing_."

"I-"

"_Nothing_, you understand? So I'd think about it very carefully."

With those words, she stood up; walked outside and announced there she and Taylor were going home at once. Peyton told him what happened and all the sympathy Taylor had felt for him vanished in thin air. Because though he hadn't said it out loud yet, he _was _going to go back to Peyton. He loved her and yes, she was going to be a mother soon but he was willing to welcome her child in his life. Even if it wasn't his, but _his_.

* * *

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So tell me what you think!


	6. Everlasting Flood

**A/N: **I love how everyone is feeling for Lucas LOL. I admit I've been hard on him but I think it doesn't take a brain similar to Einstein's to see I've reversed the roles and it has actually helped me seeing things from Lucas perspective a bit. Just a bit, though. But no worries, the harsh treatment of Lucas in this story is going to be toned down a lot starting this chapter.

Anyways, **thanks a lot for the reviews**. I really, really appreciate them. :)

Enjoy!

* * *

6. Everlasting Flood

_Hearing a knock on the door, Peyton stood up. Opening, she saw Lucas standing and settled her gaze on her feet. She wondered why he came by spontaneously because they hadn't spoken about anything except the pregnancy since the awkward conversation they had shared at the barbecue, three weeks ago._

_"Hey," she greeted silently. "What are you doing here?"_

_"Huh…Is Taylor here?"_

_"No, he got bored," she answered. "He's gotten to work again, he's at the office." _

_"Workaholic?"_

_"Kind of." She sighed. "Look, I-"_

_"Can I come in?"_

_She took a step aside and nodded despite not being too excited to have him in her house. "Let's huh…Take a seat."_

_He followed her to her living room, gazing around him impressed. It was the first time he stepped foot in her home. "Wow. I didn't know you were able to afford this."_

_"Yeah, well, he made me a business woman. In LA, you just don't survive operating the way I do here," she replied. "Don't get me wrong," she immediately wanted to make sure he didn't thought she had become John the Second "I still believe in the purity and integrity of music but money does matter and if I want to be able to introduce indie but good bands, I need some commercial cash cows too." She sat herself down on the couch and indicated with her arm Lucas should take a seat too. "Anyways… Why are you here?"_

_"Uhm…I promise I'll stop trying to, huh, approach you in a certain way," he told her. "I just am going to respect your wishes from now on." He paused. "So…If you still want to, I'd like for us to be friends."_

_She gazed at him unconvinced. "Really?"_

_"Yes," he replied genuinely. _

_A short silence rushed in._

_"Thank you," Peyton then softly said. It was perhaps an odd thing to say but she was glad they could start a friendly relationship from now on. _

They were a month further now and out to buy baby stuff. However, Peyton had forgotten her purse and since Lucas hadn't wanted her to run back in this eight-month pregnant state, he had suggested going to her bedroom and grabbing it for her. Not knowing where to look anymore after ten minutes of searching, he opened the drawer of her nightstand and was speechless seeing how many vibrators and such she had gathered.

"Lucas!" Peyton then let out, her cheeks burning with embarrassment. "My purse is not THERE."

"Why…"

"I don't have to explain myself," she said grabbing her purse, which had been laying under a coat. "But, I'm horny. OK? I'm eight months pregnant and I haven't had sex since, well, _you,_ so give me a break."

"I haven't had sex since you either."

"Bullshit," she let out rolling her eyes.

"No!" he spoke heated. "It's the truth." Lucas had indeed not slept with any girls in nine months, though a lot of them threw themselves at his feet. It had all just become so pointless to him. What if he'd start seeing a new girl and Peyton would change her mind once again, coming back to him once more? He still believed that and until he didn't anymore, he'd live like a monk.

She gazed at him completely taken aback. "Let's just go."

"I saw a bunny-shaped th-"

"Oh my God, shut up!"

x

Puffing and with waves of pain shooting through her abdomen, Peyton plumped herself down on the park bench. She was all by herself, like she had insisted. Sometimes she needed that, being alone. This time, she was thinking about how the last three months had gone down. She was happy Lucas was backing down and not throwing any more love declarations around. She couldn't help but also reflect on her teenage years and how close her and Lucas had once been. How _good_ he had once been. How she, at one point, had imagined to grow old with him.

However, it hadn't been meant to be, time had proven that. They had fallen apart, he had hurt her like he said he never would and they were probably going to end up old and alone or with different people. The only thing still somehow closing that bridge between them, allowing them to be friends, was a baby.

Somewhere she wished it wasn't his baby but someone else's.

Anyone's.

That wasn't because she was still in her incredible hate period for him but because the idea of being forever connected to Lucas still frightened her. On the other hand, they had once shared a beautiful relationship, one wherein she had felt completely happy and safe and their child would be forever a reminder of that.

For a while she just remained sitting on the wooden bench by the pond until she got cold. She stood up, upon which her jaw dropped to the floor. But that wasn't the only thing dropping to the floor. There was a transparent fluid coming out of her. She gazed down panicky and immediately shunned herself for coming to the park alone while literally everyone had proposed to join her.

In desperation, she wobbled over to a man, holding her stomach with one arm. "Sir!" she slapped his arm. "You need to call someone. I'm pregnant and my water just broke!"

He gazed at her from top to toe, taken aback as he realized what situation this woman was in.

"CALL!" Peyton cried.

He nervously dialed the number of an ambulance, which came almost as soon as he had called to Peyton's relief. In the ambulance, the doctors quickly came to the conclusion that she was dilated six centimeters and definitely in labor. Hastily they carried her into the hospital were she was immediately taken into the labor ward.

"You should've come to the hospital at once when you felt those contractions, Peyton!" her now regular doctor Manning said as they were laying her in the right position. "I told you this. At this rate you're baby will be here any moment. We called your friends but…"

The doctor kept talking as she just cried and threw insults at everyone around her. Like she didn't know she had been stupid. She just wanted someone here, anyone. "Epidural, epidural!" she screamed though she had originally wanted to go through the pain and be tough. However, this was just unbearable. It's like they were trying to push her freaking Comet –well, Mercury now, through that little opening.

"It's no use now," the doctor answered. "It takes twenty-five to thirty minutes to be effective. This baby is coming _now_."

She couldn't believe she had been so stubborn. She shouldn't have ignored the pain in her stomach that had grown heavier these past days and she should've let someone go with her to the park. Now she had no one's hand to squash.

"NO. I need someone!" she half-sobbed, half-shrieked.

"Push, Peyton!" he cried as a bunch of nurses ran around her acting very much stressed.

She clenched her teeth and gave all she had, letting out loud animalistic groans as she did so before falling into a heavy puffing.

"Come on, Peyton, come on!"

Somewhere she expected there was a man under the table she was lying on with a flag that he would wave under a loud applause when she'd finally deliver her baby. "I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN!" she roared, her face deformed in pain and veiled in a layer of sweat.

"I can see its head!! PUUUUUUSH."

"I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAN'T," she yelled back, but did follow his orders as she simply didn't have any other choice. She could hardly put her coat on and go home.

"One more, one more!"

For the last time, she clenched her teeth, closed her eyes and pushed like there was no tomorrow. Then all of a sudden, she heard a loud crying and fell back relieved.

"It's a boy!" the nurse cried.

x

Forget all the men in her life, this was the One, Peyton knew as she gazed down at her chubby, soft baby boy. He was quite big for a newborn. For the hundredth time since the nurse had brought him here freshly washed and wrapped into a blue blanket, Peyton bowed over and kissed his forehead.

He didn't have a head full of curly hair like Brooke had dreamt but one pluck of blond fluff. Like all babies he had a pair of stunning blue eyes, which were looking up at her, surprised by this new situation he was in, being in his mother's arms instead of in her tummy. He gripped his blanket without cause and Peyton felt the need arise to give him a little kiss once again.

She couldn't quite believe this little boy was hers but contrary to what she had expected the maternal instinct was there fully. If anyone ever wanted to hurt him or merely point a finger at him, she knew she'd defend him like a lioness. A couple of hours ago she had been a tormented soul and while she still had her issues she now felt as if she had finally found a true purpose in life and it was laying in her arms. Noah.

_"And for a boy?" _

_She looked his way. "Well, It's silly but…I was thinking of the name Holden."_

_"Like in Holden Caufield?" he smiled. He knew she had adored Catcher in the Rye since she was fourteen and had recognized herself in the protagonist who bore the same 'it's-me-against-the-world' attitude as Peyton once. _

_"Yes."_

_"It's fine with me," he replied. "You want our child to be doomed. Doomed to be a rebel without faith in p-." _

_"Alright, what did you want?" she cut off his poetic ways. _

_"I like Noah," he replied. _

_"Noah?"_

_"It means comfort, long-lived, repose." Also, In the Bible, Noah built the ark, which allowed his family and a male-female pair of every species of animal to survive the Flood. It was a nice extra snippet Lucas had thought while looking at the name's background. God knows him and Peyton were caught in a flood too. Somewhere he couldn't help but hope this baby would pull them through. "Like I want his life to be."_

_"Yes," Peyton nodded thoughtfully. "I want that too." She needed her baby to have a better life than she had had and perhaps a simple name could be a beginning. "And maybe Keith as his second name. If it's a boy of course."_

_He tore his eyes away from the road and gazed at her, nodding softly. "I'd really like that."_

_"OK."_

"Oh my God…" Peyton suddenly heard. Haley came in and sat herself down by her friend's bedside. "A boy…" She smiled widely looking down at this little creature, which suddenly yawned. It was received with a couple of endeared stares. "Peyton, he's just gorgeous,' she sighed. "I'd ask if I could hold him but I don't think…"

Peyton tenderly caressed his head and gave him another soft peck on the head upon which a little sound escaped his mouth. "Just a little while longer…" she told her. She didn't feel like handing him over to another person just yet. "Where is everyone?" she asked.

"Lucas is in the hall, Brooke's somewhere on the highway coming back earlier from her weekend with Owen, Nathan and Jamie are at home, and we're still trying to reach Taylor."

"What is Lucas doing in the hall?" she asked without taking her eyes off her baby.

"He's waiting for your permission to come in," Haley replied completely enchanted by this baby. She hadn't said it out loud but you could already see he had inherited more from Lucas where it concerns appearance. It wasn't only the light blue eyes and the little amount of blond fluffy hair on his head but also the little turned up nose and full dark-pink lips that had made her notice this. "He still doesn't quite know how to behave around you, or how you're going to react to him."

"Oh…" Peyton sighed. She did have to admit she was capricious when it came to Lucas. One moment they could indeed have a normal conversation while another one, she'd distance herself from him again as much as she could. "But mommy isn't going to eat him, is she?" She lifted her baby higher and yet again pressed her lips to his soft cheek. She couldn't get enough of him; it was something she had never experienced before.

"I'll call him in then?"

"Yes."

Haley walked out of the room and told Lucas outside it was time to stop acting stupid and just come in to look at his child.

He knew he had a son, the doctor had told him and in the time that he had waited he had almost died in anticipation to see him. However, maybe Peyton wouldn't have liked it if he had just come striding into her room so he had decided to be patient. Now that his patience was going to be rewarded he didn't quite know how to handle himself. Nervously he stepped into the very white hospital room and went to sit himself down on the chair Haley had been sitting on

Peyton looked up Lucas smiling softly. She loosened the fabric around their baby's head so that Lucas could see him better. The image of his child and especially the similarity it bore with his baby pictures overwhelmed Lucas with emotions.

Peyton sighed as she saw he was about to burst into tears. "Luke…" she said soothingly yet rolled her eyes a bit at his incredible sensitiveness.

"I'm sorry," he apologized rubbing his eyes.

"You're such a girl," she let out shaking her head briefly. "You want to hold him?"

He was briefly speechless but got himself together and nodded. Carefully Peyton handed him over and as he lay in Lucas' arms, she noticed he was getting more disquiet. "Sshhhh…" she let out. She slid her finger softly over his cheek was happy to see that little touch calmed him down.

"He's beautiful," Lucas smiled still with glazy eyes. He couldn't believe he was a father but in this moment, gazing at his son, he felt briefly happy again. "Oh God," he sighed out as tears began to roll off his face. "I _am_ such a girl." He also brought the boy closer to his face and kissed its face. "I'm going to make sure you're happy," he mumbled against his soft skin.

Peyton then caught herself looking away from her child for the first time. Those damn dreams of the past that kept haunting her. Her marrying Lucas _someday_, dreams of raising their children together, playing with them by the pool… She turned her head back, almost forcing herself to look and couldn't help but be touched by the similarity between the two. It would've sure been a lot easier if there had been a bunch of blond curls on his head.

Yet it didn't really matter what she had envisioned in the past, what Lucas wanted now or what their son looked like, he had lost her with what happened with Lindsey and how he had chosen to treat her. The hurt was planted deeply in her soul, it was impossible to forget and merely thinking about the possibility of going back to him almost gave her spontaneous anxiety attacks.

"You want to have him back?" Lucas asked as Peyton couldn't stop staring at the baby. She nodded and Lucas passed him over to her again. He held his finger by the baby's arm and smiled when he put his tiny hand around it. Lucas looked up at Peyton, locking eyes with her and a silence took over wherein you could hear their regrets. Slowly he let his hand shift to lay it on hers.

She bowed her head. "Luke…"

"Let me have this," he simply asked. "Just for a second."

She nodded feeling her eyes glaze over. He was making this harder but if she'd pull her hand away now she knew she was going to break her own heart too.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when he was born," Lucas tried to lighten the atmosphere yet held onto her hand firmly. The fact that she had issues with him holding her hand was almost ungraspable to him thinking about how they had once been and so it was like a knife twisting in his already open wound. "You know I would've giv-"

"It's not your fault," she said quickly. "It was mine. I should've known my own body and I shouldn't have gone walking in the park by myself. The most important thing is that he's healthy."

Before he could ask further, Brooke and Nathan, with Jamie on his arm, entered the room and he let go of her hand aching before turning his head to the two brunettes and his nephew. "Congratulations…" Brooke rasped loudly as Nathan smiled at his big brother. "Oh P. Sawyer, that boy does not look like you," Brooke then immediately said as she saw him clearly.

"Heh…Maybe he will growing up," Nathan said.

"Do you have eyes?"

"Brooke!"

"Sorry, sorry," she apologized. "Anyway, look at that adorable little face! You'll be a heartbreaker! Yes you will…Yes you will…" She cooed letting her finger slide over his chubby cheek. "As long as you don't take _too_ much after your daddy, huh?"

"BROOKE!"

"Joking!"

"So are you going to go live together now?" Jamie asked.

Peyton looked up uncomfortably as Lucas just bowed his head. "No, Jamie," Nathan replied for them.

"Why not? Isn't that what mommies and daddies do?"

Not these two, because they're Lucas and Peyton and there's hardly ever a time where neither of them has their head up their ass, Nathan thought. "Not always…" he replied sheepishly.

"Don't you love Uncle Luke, Peyton?"

"Huh-"

"Are you going to marry Taylor then?"

"Jamie," Brooke then quickly jumped in. "Those are things a little boy like you shouldn't worry about." He nodded. "Come on," the brunette further said. "Let's go eat an ice cream or something so that you don't get everyone depressed."

x

Three weeks had passed since Noah's birth and today was the first time Lucas would watch him without Peyton around. She had been very reluctant to let him go, even if it was only for one day, and had spent an hour giving Lucas tips on how to handle him, also giving him an over-packed baby bag with.

He looked behind him to see his child sleeping tightly in his baby car seat. If he was always this good, today would be heavenly. Still he felt a bit insecure and so had decided to go to Haley and Nathan's place so that they could jump in if something went wrong. As they arrived, Lucas very carefully took Noah out of his baby seat in order not to wake him and walked inside while placing a kiss on his forehead.

Haley immediately grinned widely seeing her friend enter her house with that cute little thing on his arm. "Oh, my God…" she sighed out. "I still can't get over how beautiful he is. He makes me want another one of my own."

They walked to Jamie's old crib Lucas had gotten of the attic. Being the eternal doubter he is he hadn't been able to choose a new crib in the shop and so for now, this one would have to do. Cleaned thoroughly and with blue sheets it looked as good as new. He laid his son down and then remained standing by the crib looking at him frowning. "Hales, I'm worried," he said after a while.

"About?"

"That he'll see me as a stranger. Or like I did Dan."

"N-"

"What if he ever asks why his mommy and daddy aren't together? What if Peyton tells about Lindsey and about all the stuff I did to her? What if he'll hate me? Or God- What if he'll see Taylor as I did Keith? Like a father?"

"Peyton wouldn't let him," she reassured her friend. "You know she loves you and you told yourself about when she had that conversation with Jamie, that she told him he should respect you. I'm sure that won't be any different with Noah. She doesn't doubt you're a great father or will be one with a little practice."

Unconvinced, Lucas nodded.

About an hour later, Noah woke up and started an immense crying. Lucas, who had been sitting in the living room, jumped up and quickly got his son out of the crib. First he tried to soothe him by rocking him back and forward in his arms. When that didn't work, he checked if he maybe had to be changed and if he was hungry, which wasn't so in both cases.

"Come on, handsome, what's the problem?" he asked starting to get desperate. The baby's face just remained folded in misery as the shrill continuous sound of crying came out of his mouth. Not having a clue what to do, he walked with the baby to Haley. "I don't know how to make him stop!"

"Well, did you check his diaper?"

"Yes, it isn't that and he isn't hungry either. He was fed just before I took him with me and I tried to give him his bottle again but he didn't want it."

"Come here," she said and took the baby out of his arms, trying to calm him down. Being a mother, you'd expect Haley to be able to calm him down but that wasn't the case at all: Noah didn't waver and kept producing ear-deafening shrieks. She didn't want to say it but she was quite sure the reason why he didn't stop crying was because he was separated from his mother for the first time. "I think he senses Peyton isn't here," Haley nonetheless said, though very reluctantly; she didn't want to hurt Lucas.

"Give me a smile, baby," she tried and indeed, suddenly the crying stopped. In triumph Haley turned to Lucas but soon her luck appeared false as he threw up all over her. She yelled completely disgusted while Lucas ran up to her to take him back. As Haley went to clean herself, Lucas went to the kitchen to bathe Noah in the sink. Even while being washed the baby didn't seem to want to relax as his mouth was permanently open.

Three hours passed wherein they tried to calm down the baby. When they entered the fourth hour of non-stop crying, Haley –with freshly washed hair- figured they should just give up. "I changed my mind, I don't want another one," she sighed looking mentally broken as Lucas still held the baby in his arms. "I think it's time to bring him back to Peyton. I know you don't want to but he's not ready. He needs his mother."

Feeling as if his fears were confirmed today, Lucas breathed in deeply and with the biggest trouble to suppress his tears. "OK…I'll bring him back."

By the time he was at Peyton's house, he felt more depressed than ever. He had been looking forward to spending a whole day with his son so much but had ended being rejected by him. When he arrived, he stepped out of the car, took Noah, who was still expressing his discomfort, out of his baby seat and walked to the door of Peyton's house.

Almost immediately after he knocked it, the door opened. "Oh, what is it?" Peyton asked at once, taking him over. "Are you not happy?" She held him close to her and rubbed his head softly. Within seconds, the baby's crying silenced. Lucas on the other hand looked like he was about to fall into a deep depression. "What happened, Luke?" she asked.

Lucas bowed his head embarrassed. "I can't handle him; he doesn't want me."

"Luke… That's not true," she let out sadly. "He's just a baby." She didn't like this at all. She wanted him to feel he connected with his son. Never at any point had she purposely wanted to deny him that.

"It's…I…I'm just going to go now…"

He turned around and began walking away like a beaten dog. "Luke!" she called him feeling for him. Like a lot of young girls imagine how they'd be with their children later, Lucas had too. You didn't have to be a rocket scientist to know that was because of his issues with Dan but the point was that Lucas' main purpose in life was being a good, loved father, even before he became one. "Come in."

"Why, Peyton?" he sighed feeling incredibly down. "I-"

"Just come in."

He listened and stepped into her house. She ordered him to follow her as she walked into the room she had reserved solely for her music. Since she spent quite some time here, she had installed a crib by the leather couch standing in the room. She laid her baby down in it and before they knew it, he began crying again.

"Peyt, I get it," he began slightly aggravated. "He just wants you."

"No…I don't always have him under control either. I mean, God, he's my child and the love I feel for him is overwhelming, unconditional, immense…I don't have the words to describe it really. _But_, he isn't calm, angelic or quiet. He's very busy and loud."

"With you-"

"Yeah, well, he'd better! Since I came home I've held him in my arms every night, talking to him. If I wouldn't get him calm it'd be sad and hopeless."

He bowed his head. "How is he around Taylor?"

"Luke…"

"Just tell me…"

"Taylor calls him 'baby monster'," she replied. "I mean, he's really sweet to him and I'm sure it's a term of endearment but I think it also tells what he feels somewhere about him, even if it's just a tiny bit. I don't it should make you feel better _but_ he isn't calm around Taylor either."

"OK," he let out relieved. He hated to admit it but this _did_ make him feel better. "So what are we doing here?"

"When after everything I've tried, I still don't get him to be quiet… I use this." She walked to her CD's and pulled out a Frank Sinatra one before putting it in her CD player. A few seconds passed before the song Moon River filled the room.

As soon as Noah heard the deep, warm voice of Frank, his tears stopped flowing and he grew more relaxed again. Lucas gazed down as if a miracle had taken place. "Take him out of his crib now," Peyton said. He did so and the baby stayed calm.

_You dream maker, you heartbreaker  
Wherever you're going I'm going your way  
Two drifters off to see the world  
There's such a lot of world to see  
Were after the same rainbows end…_

"Peyt…"

She joined them and stroked Noah's cheek. "You already know he kicked hard during my pregnancy?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, sometimes it was almost unbearable and the doctor suggested some things that might calm him, like lime tree tea and relaxing music. I drank liters of what basically was just hot water and I was also desperate enough to put headsets on my stomach. Most of the time I made him listen to Moon River because the song always calms me down when I'm upset."

"I know…"

Lucas sat himself down in the couch and smiled as he could clearly see his son's eyes for the first time this afternoon. "You love Frank Sinatra more than your own daddy...?" he asked staring into the same color baby blue eyes he had. "That isn't right."

Peyton turned off the music and saw Lucas' relief when he stayed silent. "I'm just going to give you guys some time," she said, deciding to leave them alone for a bit.

The coming hour, Lucas just sat there with him until he laid himself down with his child on his chest, his hand on its little body that he seemed to love to move. Peyton had told Lucas earlier he had just learned how to roll himself over yesterday and Lucas couldn't say he wasn't noticing it. It was as if there was a huge worm laying under his hand. He remembered Jamie and Lily being much calmer and somewhere he wondered the restless nature of his baby stemmed from the strained relationship between him and Peyton.

Occasionally Lucas sensed Noah was about to cry again and then he began to hum Moon River until he was sure the melody would haunt his dreams tonight. "You're like your mommy," he said sighing. "But singing Moon River alone isn't enough in her case. What will I have to do?"

When Peyton came back into the room a little bit later she saw they had both fallen asleep. She walked over to them, kneeled down and gazed at the two until she felt a lump in her throat. Without thinking, she laid her hand on Lucas' cheek and swallowed thickly.

When had it all turned so rotten? He used to be the only one she could trust in her life. Now he was the main one she _didn't_ trust. But she loved him. Despite everything she couldn't seem to wipe out her love for him, but she could try to until it _almost_ become invisibly. If you bury something deep enough it will one day dissolve, no? She hoped so.

She almost fell back in shock when he suddenly placed his hand over hers, stroking it with his thumb. "Peyt…" he let out and just gazed at her. It made his heart wrenching knowing that she loved him but that she couldn't bring herself to show it properly because of _other_ factors. He stared deeply in her eyes, hoping she'd realize how useless it was to not be together. Wasn't the most important thing that they loved each other? Couldn't the fear to be hurt fade away while being together? Loving together? "What are we doing?" he asked shrugging faintly.

He had learned they were intertwined by fate the hard way. There was no use in lying. He had loved Lindsey. However, when Peyton had stepped back in his life, Lindsey's was suddenly turned upside down and eventually, her heart was broken. _Peyton_'s too and _his_ too, multiple times. He didn't want to sound arrogant or overly dramatic but he could just feel they were going to crash again and this time _Taylor_ would be dragged down with them.

Looking at her, he saw the same panic he had witnessed when they were sixteen and he had told her he wanted everything with her. He knew at that moment his anxiety was justified, this all would end very badly. It's not something he liked or even approved of but he had begun to think lately perhaps they were _each other's_ comet, and every obstacle blocking the comet's course would get burned. Brooke, Jake, Lindsey and so now he foresaw Taylor undergoing the same fate.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said and hastily pulled her hand back.

He just nodded, feeling the situation they were in wouldn't end just yet no matter what he said. The worst thing was that she loved this Taylor guy like he loved Lindsey, a lot, and the longer this took, the more she'd get hurt when her relationship with him would crumble. Because that was inevitable. Nothing compared to how they felt when they were together and it seemed to eventually always come down to them anyways; it had since they were sixteen, and one of these days, she'd realize the road to being together hadn't had to take so long or be so bumpy. Then she'd blame herself for having been a stumbling block herself like he was doing now.

Peyton stood up, feeling uncomfortable because he just stayed calm. Love declarations and pushing she could deal with but that confidence in his eyes almost made her cry in helplessness. Were they really destined? Were her attempts to have a life without him in vain? Was she indeed born to just be loved and hurt by Lucas Scott? That couldn't and mustn't be. She breathed in deeply, trying to calm herself down and ran out of the room. When he left about an hour later and said bye, she couldn't even look him in the eye.

x

As she was stirring her spaghetti sauce, Peyton heard Taylor coming in. He quickly let the smell of the sauce lead him to the kitchen. She knew he didn't like her making spaghetti sauce because he felt he could do it much better himself and often gushed about how all his previous girlfriends, well girls he hooked up with for a couple of days, have told his spaghetti is the _best _of all the ones they've ever eaten.

Taylor went to stand next to her and gazed over her shoulder into the pot. "How's Noah?" he asked first. "Asleep?"

"Yeah, it has been quite a day for him, he's exhausted."

"What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Everything's OK now."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Don't worry," she smiled. "How was your day?"

"Busy," he replied. "I always have the feeling the things I order that Katherine girl to do I can do ten times better myself."

"That's because you're just good at…Everything," she said sarcastically.

"Exactly." He went back to staring at the sauce. "Can I taste?"

"Why? You don't trust my capabilities?" she asked acting insulted.

"No."

She held up her spoon and fed him. "Good?"

"Eh," he let out. "So-so."

Suddenly she heard a loud crying and widened her eyes in disbelief. "He's just…a bottomless pit of energy," she sighed. "Watch it for me, please," she told Taylor, placing the spoon in his hand. "His majesty is calling."

She walked into his room and picked him up out of his crib, noticing he just needed a diaper change. She did what she had to do but held onto him for a little longer, thinking back about earlier this afternoon. Poor Luke had been so desperate. She felt for him so much because he adored this baby like nothing else but didn't quite know how to make him feel comfortable without her Sinatra trick.

This was all she allowed herself to think about. If her mind would wander off to what she did, so stupidly and instinctively touch his cheek, she'd go crazy. "You should be nice around your daddy," she told him, ignoring the gnawing feeling inside her. "He loves you very much, and he can't sing Moon River all the time."

Noah gazed at her with his big blue eyes, probably wondering what on earth she was talking about before he simply fell asleep. Peyton kissed his cheek lovingly and put him back down under his sheets, which were black, a color that according to scientists soothed babies. "Goodnight my baby boy."

She let the door open just a bit and walked back into the kitchen, where she saw Taylor was molesting her sauce with red hot chili peppers and paprika powder. "Taylor!" she let out indulged. "What do you think you're doing?"

He took another spoon and filled it before eating it. "You want to taste too?" he asked. "It's really spicy now."

"Ugh…I bet you ruined it." She walked to the stove but before she knew it, he had his arm around her waist and drove her against the sink, away from the stove. "Taylor, wh-"

Then he just smiled and kissed her. It took her by surprise but quickly she found herself kissing back. She loved him and she condemned the idea that she and Lucas were destined. One makes his own destiny, no? So she'd prove everyone wrong. She was going to be happy with another guy and Lucas was going to be a friend. There'd be no more cheek or hand touching, nor would she have anxiety attacks when he looked at her in a certain way.

She had almost forgotten how good Taylor could kiss and was just remembering fully when she smelled the stench of burned tomatoes. She pulled away. "Oh, my God," she let out running to the stove. She took the pot and put it in the sink, immediately putting water over it to get rid of the burned smell.

Taylor went to stand behind her, slipped his arm around her waist and kissed her neck. "You're ready for this?" he asked.

"Yes. You?"

He turned her around and nodded. "I've been ready for you ever since I met you."

She smiled, pulled him close and captured his lips again. "Let's give it a go."

X

Shaking her head, Brooke walked into the James-Scott house through the backdoor. Haley looked away from her papers, over her shoulder and frowned confused as to why her friend had such an aggravated expression on her face.

"Peyton and Taylor are together," Brooke announced at once. "Like, in a couple."

Haley dropped her red pen and put her hands on either side of her head. "Oh, djeez."

"I know! Doesn't she see what she's doing?"

"Apparently not."

"He's going to get hurt. I'm sorry but I'm sick of those two going around having people fall in love with them only to break their hearts."

"They don't do it intentionally…" Haley pointed out. Then she groaned, having the feeling that this situation would indeed turn very sour soon. "God… They're such idiots. What does it take for them to see they can't escape each other?"

"I have no idea," she answered shaking her head. "Of course, if Lindsey melodramatically running out of a packed church didn't do the trick, little does. At first I was all for Peyton turning her life around and letting him go…Until she got pregnant. I mean, she was so determined to cut him out of her life but then nine months later she's walking around with his baby. Doesn't that say enough? They can't…I mean…I'm just not getting this."

Haley gazed into Brooke's eyes troubled. "OK," she then sighed. "You know what? Let's give Peyton the benefit of the doubt."

"Which doubt?" she asked. "That guy is undoubtedly going to have his heart broken."

"You don't know that…We're no fortune tellers."

"Ugh," Brooke let out. "That's easy to say, Hales. But I was the one comforting her every night during the Lucas and Lindsey mess. I didn't mind doing that because I love her and it wasn't her fault she loved him but when _this_ all falls apart, I'm going to be pissed. She's bringing this on herself."

"Let's just wait and see what happens before judging," Haley told her. "Take it from me that people don't like it when you judge. Who knows …maybe we're completely wrong and everything will work out. Perhaps Peyton and Taylor will be together for a long time and Lucas will find happiness with another girl."

Brooke kinked her eyebrow.

"Yeah, right."

* * *

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tell me what you think!


	7. Instinct

**A/N**: Thanks for the reviews, people. Much appreciated. :)

Enjoy!

* * *

7. Instinct

Lucas sighed deeply looking into his closet. He couldn't believe all his clothes were either dirty or in the washing machine. Completely desperate, he pulled out one of his old, very old hoodies imprinted with the logo of Keith's garage. It wasn't like he was going to a gala event anyway, merely to one of Jamie's running competitions. Since the boy had lost the last couple of times, Haley had asked everyone to support him. Lucas decided to walk since the place of the competition wasn't far away and soon arrived at the entrance of the woods.

In the meanwhile, Peyton had already been standing at the entrance together with Taylor for about five minutes and was for the millionth time picking up Noah's pacifier. It was one of his latest ways to test his mother's patience: throwing his pacifier out of his crib or stroller, mostly when he felt Peyton's attention decreasing.

"Now you aren't being nice to mommy," Peyton groaned picking it up from the earth. "I-"

She simply let the pacifier fall back on the ground seeing Lucas come up to them. Her words staggered in her throat as she saw he was dressed the exact same way he was when she had first truly set eyes on him. In that moment, all of a sudden, she realized he had become that guy again, good and honest. He had had a couple of dates but hadn't thrown himself into a relationship again, he had treated Taylor with respect, had let her be and handled Noah as if he was a treasure.

She felt a shiver ran down her spine when he kissed her cheek. Futher she couldn't keep her eyes off him when he continued to awkwardly shake Taylor's hand and felt something wrench inside of her when he picked up Noah and kissed the boy all over his face. It was almost as if she fell back in love. She pushed that ridiculous thought away, picked up the pacifier to put in her pocket and smiled at Taylor.

However, he was neither blind nor stupid. He felt anger boil inside of him. He knew she couldn't help what she felt but he wished she wouldn't make promises or reassure him she doesn't love him anymore when she obviously still did. Yes, her saying she'd forever love Lucas had stopped a while ago, while it seemed to Taylor to opposite was true: as weeks passed and she saw him interacting with Noah she seemed to rediscover her love for him or better said: she could think of him and love him with warm sentiments again. However, Taylor decided to let this go, as he had let all glances of her at Lucas go the past weeks, and decided to make this a pleasant afternoon.

As they stepped closer to the running tracks, Lucas looked at Noah, whose stroller he was pushing. The baby boy was laying down facing him and laughed heartily at the jolts the bumpy woods road caused. He had let out his first laugh two weeks ago Peyton had said, as she had been playing with him and the big fluffed tiger, a present from Brooke. Lucas hadn't been there, and Taylor _had_, like he would probably also be there for the first sit, standing up, walk and word. Not him.

While he blamed Peyton for that, because she couldn't let the past go, he knew it was also his fault. If he hadn't denied his feelings for so long, they would've probably been together now, as a family. Now things were quite different. He was pushing the stroller of the child he had with Peyton, but she was behind him walking hand in hand with another man. It's not quite the future he had envisioned when he had written predictions like 'Peyton Sawyer will become Peyton Scott'.

Lucas briefly stopped pushing the stroller and Noah looked up at him expecting. Suddenly he resumed pushing the stroller over a rock and smiled at the laughter that followed before repeating the same action.

"Screwing with the kid's head," Nathan said and Peyton smiled. "Nice one."

Suddenly they saw a bunch of children bouncing and realized they had arrived at the place where the competition would take place. Haley already looked concerned at the muddiness of it all as the vision of her scrubbing his clothes flashed in front of her eyes.

As they cheered for Jamie, Taylor and Peyton stood next to Lucas, who had Noah on his arm.

"Ran out of clothes?" Peyton asked.

"Life as a bachelor can be…dirty."

"Why don't you wash?" Taylor asked curiously. "I always had a maid when I was a kid and even I did my laundry on a regular basis in college."

"If there's anything I learned about him after all these years, it's that he's a momma's boy," Peyton answered. "It's really bad; he can hardly brush his own teeth, let alone wash his clothes."

"Hey," Lucas protested. "I can brush my own teeth…" He pressed a kiss on Noah's cheek. "You know daddy can brush his own teeth, huh?"

It made Peyton happy to see that after the first stumbling blocks, Noah had embraced his father into his little world. And Lucas loved him more than she had ever seen a father love a child. He was everything to him.

Peyton sighed deeply and slipped her arm around Taylor's waist yet not ready to admit that with every day that passed, he was becoming a refugee for her feelings for Lucas more and more.

x

"Damn it!" Peyton let out. She had known everybody was either coaching or having a meeting now but she had still hoped to get through some of her friends.

She had been planning to go to gift shop for Jamie's birthday with Noah while Taylor would go to work and try to convince Yanaika Myles to sign with him. However, after a long period of coughing and sneezing, Taylor had at last admitted to falling sick and agreed with Peyton that he was incapable to do anything. This meant Peyton had to take over his job since many were chasing Myles and so the artist could be another stepping stone towards true recognition.

There was one problem: Noah. "Oh, baby, what should I do with you?" Peyton asked panicky. He had grown quite a bit in three months, not ever losing his unquiet thought adventurous nature: his eyes were always wide open, curious about the world around him. Also now as Peyton held him in her arms, he twisted and turned his whole body and head, causing her to grow even more nervous: this was a creature not to be taken to a professional environment. "Well," she began eventually, despair having won over. "I guess I'll just have to take you with me. You promise to be a good boy?"

She didn't wait for his answer and simply bustled to the car. Arriving at her office, she found Yanaika already waiting aggravated in the chair before her desk. "My sincere apologies," Peyton uttered at once. "Firstly for being late, it's very unprofessional and I can't express how sorry I am; secondly because I saw myself forced to take my child with me. I hope that's not too much of a problem."

Yanaika's emerald eyes, which were emphasized by her heavy black eye-shadow and hard eye-liner, lit up seeing the baby. "I love babies!" she cried. "They're the only thing not yet aware of the evil in this world and hence can't be evil themselves."

Peyton first kinked her eyebrow but then quickly gave her a nod and her brightest smile. "So you don't mind?"

"No…" She gazed at Noah whose head stuck above the desk. "Can I hold him?"

Peyton's eyes widened. This wasn't a cherubic baby boy as people often thought at first sight, beholding his golden locks and coral eyes. "Huh…" She was hesitant as she didn't want the hottest new talent in town to run away as if she was being by wild hounds.

"Please?"

"OK," Peyton replied and handed him over carefully. She heaved a sigh of relief when he stayed calm.

"What a beautiful boy you are," she cooed. "Pretty blue eyes."

Softly Peyton bit her bottom lip and pulled out Yanaika's contract and a pen. "So… you ready to negotiate?"

x

With Noah hanging against her body and Jamie's huge, in purple glitter-paper wrapped present in her hands, Peyton stormed into the Scott-James' hall. "Sorry!" she cried hanging up her coat. "Taylor is sick and I couldn't reach any of you guys to take care of Noah so I had to take him to the office! Big problem because you know Yanaika Myles was coming today?" She smiled at her baby and took off his little coat too. "Well, I was so scared! They say she's a shrew but turns out, she loves babies! I now I shouldn't use Noah to g-"

"Sawyer!" Nathan let out loudly.

"Yes?"

"That's three times," he said. "Y-"

"Oh…" she waved his comment away before cheerfully stepping into the living room.

She almost died in shock at the very spot. Lindsey. Her again, sitting there next to Haley eating chocolate cake. "That's what I wanted to tell you…" Nathan softly said. "She's here for his birthday party."

Noah looked up at his mother, a big smile curling his lips. Not feeling the gravity of the atmosphere, he toyed with her curls and let out a small laugh. "Not now baby…" she complained, untangling his tiny hand from her hair. Normally her heart soared when he laughed at her but now she was too aggravated and embarrassed to feel anything besides that. Her son looked up at her with questioning eyes before turning his head to the people.

Immediately Lindsey bowed hers; despite being more or less over him, the image of Lucas Scott's child's face stung, especially knowing Noah was the child he had with Peyton. Baby comet, she thought inside, almost laughing at the rather unfortunate situation. It made her see ever so clearly she had wasted two years of her life trying to believe she meant more to Lucas than Peyton did.

It was weak and maybe even petty, Peyton knew, but she hated being in the same room as Lindsey and she hated that the woman couldn't seem to leave her life once and for all. Another thing that almost made her threw up is the fact that Lucas seemed to worry about Lindsey's state of mind as he looked at her sorrowful. Like she wouldn't admit any of her feelings for Lucas, she wouldn't admit the jealousy she felt either. But she was jealous. Very much, and frightened that they'd get back together despite her statements _she_ would never go back to Lucas.

Jamie sensed her discomfort and jumped off his chair. "What do you got there, Peyton?" he asked sweetly walking up to her. "Is that for me?"

She averted her eyes from Lindsey and nodded at Jamie. "Yes…" Slowly she kneeled down and kissed his cheek. "Happy birthday, kid." She rose again and handed him the present. "Here you go…" She looked around the room and breathed in deeply. "Huh…I'm off, alright? Taylor's sick; I should go take care of him."

"P, don't go," Brooke pleaded. "Come sit next to me."

"No, I was torn on whether to come or not," she tried to convince them with a forced smile. "You should've seen him. He looks like Christian Bale in the Machinist. The dark circles under his eyes…Awful!" She realized how lame she sounded but didn't care at this point, she just wanted to get out of there and let the awful memories that woman brought back slide off her.

"Well does he want any soup?" Haley asked.

"Soup? Huh…"

"Otherwise I've still got some in the freezer."

"It's really n-"

"Oh, come on, you know how good my soups are!"

"OK then," she sighed.

She followed Haley to the kitchen, through the uneasy tension and heaved a deep sigh as she finally was isolated from the rest. "What is she doing here?" Peyton asked. "I thought last time I saw her she was gone forever."

"She's my friend…" Haley reasoned. "I told her about Jamie's birthday party and suddenly we both realized I had forgotten to invite her. It was painful! So I kind of _insisted_ she'd come and assured her it wouldn't be uncomfortable because you have a boyfriend. I was wrong…"

"Djeez…" Peyton sighed. "Why did your son have to turn five anyway?"

"Come on, Peyton, she's just here for his birthday. Why do you care anyway?"

"What?"

"Well you made it quite clear you never want to be with Lucas again," she reasoned. "So why are you so keen on leaving?"

"Because of that woman!"

"She was a victim as much as you!"

"I. Don't. Like. Her," she shortly said.

"You're worried."

She frowned confused. "About what?"

"That he might go back to her."

"That's not true!" she raised her voice. "I just don't feel comfortable around Lindsey. Especially not with Noah." She held her son closer to her body and stroke the blond fluff on his head.

"Sure, I believe you," Haley brushed her comment off sarcastically. "You know what, Peyton? You've become just as bad as he was a year ago. You love Lucas but you're hiding your heart out of pride and fear! You're hiding it with Taylor."

"Take that back!" she cried angrily.

Noah began to cry and Peyton shot Haley a death-glare. "Look now what you did. I will not stand here listening to you demeaning my relationship," she spat out. "I'm taking my son and I'm going home, and I'm going to take care of Taylor out of love, not out of fear." She turned around and stepped through the living room again.

"Where are you going?" Nathan asked.

"Home, as I said I would," she replied growling.

"I was supposed to take Noah tonight," Lucas said.

"That was something I gave you," she snapped. "You can come get him tomorrow, on Wednesday and in the weekend as we had arranged."

Lucas eyes shifted in panic. "You can't do that to me-"

"Look, this is all my fault," Lindsey began. "I will go-"

"Oh, no, stop it!" Peyton cut her off. "Stop that saintly act of yours. I'm sick and tired of it. You stay forever for all I care," she simply said. "You integrate so nicely here in Tree Hill, being Haley's best friend forever, probably Nathan's too, perhaps also Brooke's soon –who knows- and not to forget, the love of Lucas' life. Everyone loves you," she ranted pumped. "You're just so perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect!!"

She further quickly walked into the hall, snatched her coat and opened the front door. Outside, she suddenly couldn't help but burst out into tears. Instead of going to sit in her car, she walked past it and went to the nearest bench. She brushed the leaves off and sat herself down, kissing the top of Noah's head and brushing the moist of his tears away. Softly she put his pacifier in his mouth and a couple of her curls in his hand. She had noticed her hair calmed him down like Frank Sinatra did; it gave him the feeling of being sheltered.

She wasn't surprised when she saw Nathan running towards her instead of Lucas. He was probably consoling Lindsey now. "Nate…" she bowed her head, indicating she wasn't in the mood to talk.

"Sawyer… I'm not here to judge."

"Haley is doing it again."

"She cares about Lucas, and she cares about you," he explained "and she believes you two are hurting yourselves by not being together." Peyton let out a sob. "So why did you go all American Psycho in there?" he then asked. "No offense, Sawyer, but you seem to be losing it."

Noah now stuck out his hand at Nathan, who grabbed it smiling at his nephew. "Yeah… psycho mommy, huh?" He felt sorry for this child since he somewhere saw it as another victim of the Lucas and Peyton tragic love story. Babies are supposed to be born into a loving family but this one was immediately scarred from birth.

"Nate…" Peyton began with shaking voice, the tears rolling over her cheeks. "I'm happy with Taylor and I think I have kind of moved on but seeing Lindsey again brings back all these memories and I…I feel so inferior to her."

"How so?"

"I don't know. When I came back, you know, after my bad time in LA…Ugh, I can't explain it. It's just…She is just so perfect, you know? Back then, I wasn't just hurt because he had moved on, but because he had moved on to a girl like her. So sugar-sweet, goddamn perfect."

"I don't get it."

"It's because I'm not, Nate," she sobbed. "I'm a mess. I can try to hide it with a job I genuinely enjoy, a great boyfriend and a beautiful, beautiful child, but deep inside I'm still a mess. I'll always be a mess; it's in my nature. And then I think…" She paused. "That's why he didn't want me then, because I am who I am. I begged him to come back to me and he just beat me down time and time again. Because I'm not as perfect as her."

"Maybe," he replied.

"What?"

"But I don't think of you as a mess; you're just complicated, Peyton. That's what drew him to you in the first place but I think…" He sighed. "I think that when you said 'someday', he was too hurt to try and see where you were coming from. So he stopped knowing you like he once did; it hurt him too much to think about why you wouldn't want to marry him because it brought his own traumas back, like always being rejected by Dan. He believed you didn't want him because you thought he wasn't good enough for you."

"That doesn't excuse what he did to me since I proved that wasn't the case."

"-"

"No, stop."

"B-"

"I can't hear one more person saying he was afraid. Don't you think I was too? But I got over it and I swallowed my pride and basically begged him to not marry her. I felt and still feel like such a fool, Nate." Her bottom lip trembled as the tears kept flowing. "And she only reminds me of how humiliated I felt. He humiliated me with her."

"I'm sorry…" he silently said.

"I am too."

"How come Noah's here?"

"What?" she said. "I told you T-"

"No, I always wondered why you slept with Lucas after you were…"

"Oh…" she shook her head with an almost mocking chuckle at what she did that night. "Because he's Lucas and I know I said I hated him but I really didn't and I still don't. I'll never hate him. And when a guy you love as much as I love-d Lucas, kisses you and touches you the way he did, you eventually give in, Nate."

"I never told this to anyone but…Haley wanted to make love to me," he told her. "After she came back from tour and we were on, huh, not so good terms. But I…I rejected her."

She stared in front of her, into nothing. "Well maybe… I loved him more than you loved Haley."

Nathan looked shocked considering the possibility. "Love like that doesn't fade," he then said firmly.

"Maybe not…But the hurt I experienced doesn't either."

"Because you don't let it."

"Nate… I kind of have been thinking about going back to LA," she changed the subject.

"What?" he asked. "Why?"

"Well Taylor doesn't complain but I can see he isn't too fond of this rural way of living. He loves the city and … me too."

"You can't do that to Luke. That boy you're holding now is his life, Peyton."

"But people do this all the time!" she reasoned. "Why should I be different?"

"Because he's Lucas and you know his background," he retorted with rising anger.

"I don't see-"

"_All the way from the start_

_I would try to change_

_The things that killed our love_

_pride has built a wall, so strong_

_That I can't get through_," he recited. "It's from a song by the Scorpions Haley gave me when we were broken up, and I too was too proud to go back to her despite her reaching out."

"It's not out of pride!"

"No? What was that talk about being humiliated then?"

"You wouldn't judge!"

"You said you wouldn't take his child away from him. Seems we're both breaking our promises," he spat out. "It would be a mistake. Peyton…" he sighed "no one here in Tree Hill believes you don't love Lucas anymore or that you love Taylor more."

"I never claimed that!"

"So that's fair you think? Poor Taylor."

"I chose him over Lucas!"

"Because you're TOO PROUD! And that isn't you. You're losing the integrity Lucas used to praise you for."

"I'm not! How dare you speak like that to me?" She stood up and now walked to her car much firmer, without looking back. She loved Taylor. She wasn't too proud, she was just protecting herself. Who did these people even think they are? It's not like they were perfect, though they certainly acted so.

Coming home, she first laid Noah who had fallen asleep during the ride, in his crib and then sat herself down on their bed, which Taylor was laying on looking pitiful. He had the white blanket wrapped tightly around his body. She crawled behind him and slipped her arms and legs around him as she kissed his neck softly. "Do you want me to get you anything?"

"I'm fine," he said with a shiver. "How was the birthday party?"

"OK," she lied. "He liked my car."

"Good."

"Taylor, what do you think about going back to LA?" She was reaching her breaking point in her denial towards her love for Lucas and needed to run as fast as possible now, like Lucas had wanted to flee into marriage with Lindsey.

"Really? I thought you said you didn't want to."

"I've been thinking about it and changed my mind."

"I think that would be great but what about Noah?"

"We can work something out. But don't you worry about that now," she said settling her head in his shoulder. "We have to get you better first anyways."

x

Resuming her parental leave, Peyton sat in the garden of her house, with her baby phone next to her and a book by Elizabeth George in her hands. It was already quite warm for a March day and so she had decided to wear a long-sleeved, V-neck white dress this morning. The weight she had gained during pregnancy was all gone thanks to her fitness tapes and the stress her relationship with Lucas continued to bring along.

Speaking of the devil, he entered her garden without asking and plumped himself down on the chair next to her sans scruples. "When were you planning on telling me?" he asked sternly. "About LA?"

"Well nobody told me about Lindsey coming yesterday either," she replied pettily, without laying her eyes on him.

"Put that book down and stop being so childish," he growled.

Startled at his aggressive tone, Peyton looked up and lowered her book. "Who are you to talk like that to me on my own property?"

"Noah's father."

"I don't like it here anymore!" she defended herself. "When I was pregnant I thought Tree Hill was the best place to raise him, but I simply don't feel home here anymore. Everything reminds me of the bad things I went through here, from my mother's death to you," she spat. "Going to LA is necessary if I want to give Noah a warm mother instead of a bitter one. Besides, after all the months we've been here, Taylor still doesn't feel it here; LA has been his home all his life."

"You tell these things like there's no room for discussion!" he said aggravated. "You seem to have already made up your mind but you can't do this to me! You can't take my son away from me."

"I'm not doing anything of the sort. LA isn't Timbuktu."

"How am I ever going to bond with him if he's in LA? It's the other side of the country!"

"Oh, Lucas…" she sighed annoyed. "Why are you here? You know you don't have any legal power to keep him in Tree Hill anyways. As long as I don't leave the country with him you don't have any rights and you know it."

"What has gotten into you?" he asked taken aback by her attitude. He had finally thought to have gotten through her armour. Not that he already could reach her heart but at least she had been kinder to him. Now that had all of a sudden disappeared. "Is this about yesterday? With Lindsey? Because I was as surprised to see her as you. Haley didn't tell anyone. If you're jealous-"

She let out a cold chuckle. "You wish."

"Think about our son!" he pleaded.

"He'll have a good life there."

"Without me?"

"Yes, without you!" she now cried. "People's lives do tend to be better when you're not involved." He bowed his head and Peyton did so too, realizing she had made a mistake. "I'm sorry," she apologized. She rose from her chair and went to sit on his one. "I shouldn't have said that. But can't you see where I'm coming from? And this doesn't mean you won't be seeing anything of Noah. We can arrange it so that you have him two weeks or even a month uninterrupted during holidays and perhaps a weekend a month too. It'd come down to you having him three days a week now."

"Just stay…" he insisted.

She shook her head stubbornly, looking down. "Impossible."

"Please," he raised his voice.

"No," she replied just as loud.

"This is useless."

"What is?"

"This mask you've had on for God-knows-how-long now. I can see through it, I just can't seem to pull it off. If I hurt you so much, if you thought of me so lowly, than why do you insist on being the same?"

"I'M NOT THE SAME."

She wanted to stand up but he grabbed her arm and pulled her back down. "What are you running from? Scared we're going to rip each other's clothes off?"

"Ass," she let out through clenched teeth.

"This isn't only about Noah. I still love you and I don't want you to leave again," he told her. If there's anything he had learned from the mess he had created not so long ago, it's better to wear your heart on your sleeve than hide it under empty words and promises. His fingers traced her shoulder and she pulled it away from him. His stare intensified. "How can it be that two people who share as much love and passion as we do can't be happy together?"

"Look in the mirror," she let the words slip bitterly out of her mouth.

It was the first indication in such a long time he had gotten she wasn't over him. He cupped her cheek and turned her head towards him before sliding hand deeper in her curls. "So it's over, Peyt?" he asked as he moved his head closer. His lips so close to hers they nearly touched.

She nodded. "It is."

Before she could protest, he took her head between his hands and kissed her. Instinctively she did the same and he faintly smiled against her lips. It had been so long since he had felt her, really felt her with love, with tenderness. She opened her mouth slightly, allowing him to slide his tongue in.

She moaned softly as their kiss grew more passionate and he carefully proceeded to lay her down. She closed her eyes as he buried his lips in her neck, and let her fingers run through his hair. He kissed her nape, her cheek, her tempel, her nose before crashing his mouth into hers again. And she let it all happen.

Touching him like this evoked a whirlwind of emotions, where under hate and love, inside of Peyton and she soon felt as if she couldn't breathe. She pushed him off, turned her back at him and burst into tears spontaneously, covering her mouth. She couldn't control herself around him, which was how they had been branded cheaters a long time ago and why there was a baby phone standing next to her: they were an instinct to each other they didn't possess any power over. He was dangerous and should leave before this escalated and they'd hurt another person.

"Go," she ordered.

"How can I? You still love me; I feel it."

"No!" she objected pushing him away. "My worst nightmare has come true! I've turned into you."

"I saw that coming from miles away," he replied. He felt intimidated by the fire in her eyes burning upon his words but didn't go anywhere.

She stood up and turned her back at him. "Go," she repeated.

"Peyt…" He stepped behind her and softly laid his hand on her shoulder. "I-"

"No no no!" she cried. "I didn't fall for your cheap words one year ago; I'm not going to now either. And I told you not to call me by that name so many times now I can't count it on my one hand anymore! It is over, as I had said. It's been long over. You were wrong before, I don't feel any passion or love for you. No, I tolerate you because you happen to be the father of my child," she ranted as his posture continued to shrink. "I love Taylor and if you think I'll leave him for you you're crazy. I'm leaving you for him, if you hadn't noticed already. I'm going to LA and you'll be nothing but a ghost from the past that used to haunt me. More so than before I'll break all bonds and you will be nothing."

At that moment, he at last understood her, why she had been how she was for so long. Finally she had broken him like he had broken her. It was more than a knife twisting into an already open wound, it was a sharpness ripping and cutting his whole being apart. Not just his heart, but he was broken. He had given his _all_ and it had still not been enough.

A part of Peyton had wanted him to scream at her again and this quietness displeased her. She turned her head when she continued to hear nothing but silence. Her eyes widened as she saw him reach for his chest and breathe heavily. "Luke!" she cried with immediate tears in her eyes as she now saw him falling to the ground. She didn't know, but with all the fuss around her going to LA, he had forgotten to take his pills, with now dire consequences.

"…ambulance…" he managed to squeeze out of his throat.

When she came back in the yard after calling, she saw he had lost consciousness and fell next to him in sheer panic. What if what she had just said would be the last words she had ever said to him? She didn't mean a thing of what she said but a part of her had grown bitter towards him. The darkness had made her do things she would've never imagined doing to him. She had cherished him for so long and eventually hadn't been able to handle the fact that he had seemed to do the opposite. Now she realized she had like Nathan had said, indeed lost her integrity.

This was because she had wanted to hurt him _on purpose_ earlier. See, after all she had done to him, she still hadn't been pleased nor had she lost her need for revenge. He had never seemed as hurt as she was when she beheld Lindsey's ring or when she had to undergo him talking about her after the altar debacle. She had desired to see the same hurt on his face just so he would've known how it feels. In the core, Nietzsche says, everyone is evil and pushing her love for Lucas away had made that malice come to the surface.

However she knew now what she had done was wrong yet could also understand Lucas' actions better. She was fiercer, more verbally aggressive but yet again it was proven how much alike they were deep inside. They had punished each other for leaving each other, for burying their hearts and denying their true want.

The tears stood in her eyes but didn't fall; she just breathed heavily and held his face. "They're coming, Luke, OK, honey?" she said to him. "Just hang in there."

x

When Haley entered Lucas' room, she saw Peyton's hands by Lucas' left, her curls splattered all across them. Lucas was in a coma and the doctors didn't know when he was going to wake up from it. Even though both Lucas and Peyton had their eyes closed and couldn't hear her, Haley felt like she was intruding a moment. You often had that with the two. Whether they were just talking, listening to music together or even having a fight, coming into a room with them in it felt like intruding because they had their own world, and they were the only inhabitants. Well, them and Noah now she had seen whenever their child was with them.

Taylor bumped into Haley as she went out, gazed at his girlfriend and then bowed his head. You could view Peyton laying on Lucas' bed as a friend being supportive or a fiend feeling guilty but he knew better. "I…I…" he stumbled.

"I'm sorry," Haley simply said. "Come with me, Taylor, let's have a coffee."

He nodded and they went upstairs. After they got themselves a good table, Haley softly laid her hand over his. "I'm going to be honest with you... I don't get it."

"What?"

"Lucas and Peyton. I don't get them. Together. I always thought Lucas was better off with Brooke and later Lindsey, though I supported his relationship with Peyton. Same with Peyton. I thought Jake was a far better match for her and now I think that of you."

"Why?"

"Because they're both fucked up. They both have a dark, complicated nature, perhaps it was their destiny as they were both somehow abandoned as babies but either way, that's just the way they are. I always thought they needed an uncomplicated person to complete them, you see."

"Look-"

"I guess I don't understand," she began to clarify "because I'm not supposed to. No one is, maybe not even them. Their love isn't something they choose for and I think in many ways they would be better off if they didn't love each other but that's just the way it's meant to be. You can't question it because you simply won't find an answer. Soulmates. It might be a cliché term, but that's what they are and as long as either of them denies that, they mow people down on their way to being happy together. Oh Taylor," she sighed. "I hate telling you these things but aren't you seeing it with yourself? You seem to have turned into a paranoid version of the guy you were when you arrived here."

"I've always thought of it somewhere," he admitted sighing. "But it's only recently I started believing it. I knew she loves me a lot and so for a while I believed -or hoped- that love would once grow to be bigger than what she feels for him. But that day in the woods... I realized...Well you know. I was angry at first, then more so hurt but now I'm just, I guess, laying myself down with the fact that if I don't make an end to our relationship, it will crumble eventually, because of him. He's like this dark, menacing shadow constantly hanging over us and I'm tired of ignoring it." He paused. "Just exhausted."

x

A week passed wherein Lucas remained unconscious and Peyton remained by his bedside. Taylor closed his eyes to it. He'd break up with her as soon as Lucas showed signs of improvement. It'd be tough and though the short pain was better, he couldn't possibly do it to her now, as _he_ was in a coma. Despite everything, Taylor saw she had grown to love him very much. Not as much as she loved Lucas but to reach that amount was impossible, he had known deep inside and from the beginning.

Peyton was unaware of Taylor's state of mind. Her life the past week had consisted of only Lucas, her guilt over what she had said and the love she despite this situation would not admit. Right now she was asleep, her head resting near his waist so that a big part of his arm was covered with her hair.

Then, suddenly, around four o'clock in the afternoon, Lucas opened his eyes. He wasn't quite sure why but the first thing that came to his mind was look down at his left. At Peyton. He remembered their conversation but wasn't angry with her. He had done all of that before and it had led to nothing. He was just happy to see she had been by his side, even if she wasn't outside the hospital, in life or romantically. It was nice to feel her curls on his skin. He let his fingers run through them softly, wishing he could once do this without feeling sneaky.

Her eyes fluttered open and further widened in joy and surprise. "Oh, I'm so sorry," she cried as she hugged him tightly. "I didn't mean what I said." She pulled back and looked into his eyes as tears streamed down her face. "I won't go to LA, alright? I was wrong to imply Noah's life is better without you when you've only enriched it. I'm so sorry, Luke."

He was just about to speak when Haley came in and felt like an intruder again. However, instead of letting them be she now ran to her friend and embraced him, crying about how happy she was he was alright.

x

Finally, in the evening, Peyton returned home from the hospital, ready to say how glad she was he had woken up when she stumbled upon a bunch of Taylor's suitcases. Packed. Confused, she began to shout his name and walked nervously through the house as she didn't immediately receive an answer. Entering her bedroom, she saw him pull out a few CDs out of their collection that were originally his.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

He looked up at her and turned his body her way. "Taking my CDs." From the moment he had heard the news of Lucas' waking up, he had driven home to pack his bags.

"I can see that!" she replied aggravated. "Why?"

"You know why."

"No, I don't. Do enlighten me. Is it because I held my unconscious friend company at his bedside?"

"Almost," he replied. "It's because he's much more than a _friend_ and because every time I'm in the company of you two, I feel uncomfortable. I don't like that. It's not me. And unlike that Lindsey girl I'm not going to let this situation drag on. I've seen enough."

"But Tay-"

"You don't have to feel guilty or sorry," he said. "It's my fault really, you warned me."

"But Taylor, I love you! Me and Lucas are a thing of the past an-"

"And present, and future," he cut her off now frustrated. "Just let me go, Peyton. It's the best for everyone and especially to me. It will be like liberation."

"Why, thanks!" she cried angered. "I didn't realize I was such a prison to you!"

"Yes, well, if it's any consolation, I don't blame you. I chained myself willingly because I'm so hopelessly in love, but these last few weeks have made me see it's better to walk out, despite what I feel. I can never compare to him and you know it."

"I DON'T. DON'T LEAVE!!"

"Hysteria doesn't suit you, Peyton."

She gazed around her desperately as he simply moved closer, kissed her cheek and walked to the door. "Taylor, don't go!" she begged. "Tell me what I have to do to save this relationship and I will! I'll do everything!"

"Turn back time and prevent him from being conceived."

"IS THIS A JOKE TO YOU!?"

"I wish it was."

"You're being unreasonable," she said calmer.

"Actually I'm more reasonable than ever." He sighed seeing her scowl and got a bit teary-eyed. "Peyton, you know I love you, more than I can express, but I don't see us working out in the future. It breaks my heart, but that's just the way it is. I'm sorry. Please don't come after me; it'd only make things harder for me and also for you as nothing you say could persuade me."

Upon those words, she simply watched him leave and burst into a loud crying after he pulled the door close behind him. She couldn't believe this. Had she not loved him the way one should? In her mind she had and she found what he had done utterly unfair. In fury, she took one of the picture frames on the cupboard standing next to her and threw it against the wall hard, feeling a sense of satisfaction coming over her as she saw the glass splinter.

The satisfaction wore off quickly but she didn't trash the rest of her house to feel better and instead spent the evening crying until she was sure her eyes would be damaged by the salt. Perhaps he had been a second choice, but she loved him immensely and unlike him, she had seen a future with him. She would've said 'yes' if he had proposed and she would've been willing to travel at world's end for him. Instead she'd have to get over him, which would be a very hard task. What would be after she didn't know but she felt there were only two paths for her to tread. One, going back to Lucas; two, stay single forever.

She didn't wish to think about that now, but saw the latter looming behind the corner which after all she had been through, mightn't be so bad. Compared to the stormy relationship she had had with Lucas since she was sixteen a humble, nun-like existence actually seemed quite attractive. She could only hope that was actually so.

* * *

Tell me what you think!


	8. author's note

OK...

So I've kind of lost my inspiration for this fic, or better said my love for OTH and LP. Just now, really. It's because of the last spoiler. Nothing apocalyptic, don't worry; S6 seems to be quite good for LPers but

1) I just don't 'feel' it anymore. It hit me again I don't like Lucas and I never considered Peyton having him as a prize so I don't want LP anymore. He has become a complete joke as a character, how could I want such a clown with my favorite TV character ever? No. I still hang around the characters' respective threads but that's moreso because I think it's fun to talk with people there. However, I'm going to start staying away there too because I feel my Lucas-dislike might cause some bickering again and I don't want that.

2) Though Peyton is my favorite character, I also am not completely enthusiastic about her anymore either. I think Hilarie's beautiful and that Peyton is strong and all but I don't feel it as deeply as I used to, it has faded. I don't know how come. Perhaps it was because of my exams. I realized then real life kind of is more important than a fictional TV show, and quite a crappy one at that. It might sound stupid or I-don't-know but I got the feeling that with recently graduating, it's time to put this OTH obsession behind me. I have days where I was really depressed with what was happening and I just don't want that anymore, I don't think it's healthy. When I got this last spoiler I was more 'whatever, lolz, Lucas is such a joke, moving on now, finally'. So I'm not really mad. I want to be and am starting to get over it all.

I really want to thank you all for always supporting me, reviewing me and just liking my fics. It really gave me some confidence when people told me I was a good writer so thank you! I might have lost my OTH love but hugs to you all for being such great readers and reviewers. :)


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